cook chan by the jot

Arts: Will you shut up, man? By Harry Nutsaac

Quarantine expectation vs reality by paul sdeep

task completed by the jot

Disney Selling Dime Bags of Baby Yoda to Recoup Losses

By: Throbbin Williams

In the face of recent financial struggles, Disney executives have taken to the streets selling hits of Baby Yoda to stay afloat. The media oligarch executed massive layoffs this week, canning a full 9/11’s worth of people on Monday, with 20,000 more to be booted later this month. Despite the massive cutbacks the company still has to resort to peddling The Child on street corners and in alleyways. Disney CEO Bob Chapek was spotted last night in downtown Los Angeles wearing a trench coat teeming with little baggies of the creature that made The Mandalorian a pilar in pop culture.

“Getting people hooked on Baby Yoda was my idea,” former CEO Bob Iger said, “And now that they really need the money they can cash in on the demand.”

Fans of the show have been anxiously waiting for season two to drop, watching reruns and looking at old memes to get their squishy green fix. Disney-phile adults, the least desirable group of derelicts on the planet, have been hurting extra hard.

“Look man, I just need some Child,” Star Wars buff Zachary Fawks said, “I’ll pay anything for a little more of that adorable little green guy. I’m just jonesing right now. Season one gets real stale after the 34^th time.”

The company reportedly has been making a killing pushing their cute intellectual property. A baggie of ‘Child’ goes on average for $45, but some users say they’ve paid as much as $150 for a bag. At this rate, Disney may be able to keep their California park open through the pandemic.

“We really need this money, haHa!” Disney icon Mickey Mouse told us, “These chumps will pay for anything with ears on it, haHa! Seriously, we could charge people $300 to have a group of people dressed like me and the gang to kick the shit out of them, haHa! They’ll pay, they keep coming back!”

Since Disney began selling small doses of Baby Yoda their evaluation on the NYSE has climbed nearly 2 points as the wealthy scramble to get in on the latest scheme.

Greta Thunberg Cries After Finding UN Climate Summit Podium Made Out of Wood

“How dare you,” she said.  Greta Thunberg does not like red oak podiums.

 Earlier this month, Greta Thunberg received a letter from North Antarctica  that gravely alerted her to the type of podium in which she used to give her UN Climate Change Speech: 45-inch tall, 20-inch wide authentic reclaimed red oak from 1800s tobacco barns glazed with catalyzed lacquer finish and adorned gold leaf detailing of UN symbol.  She was shocked after hearing the news, devastated at UN’s treachery. She now plans to skip the rest of her K-12 education to address this issue, continuing her next stage of Plan You Ruined My Childhood to remove all carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. 

“ I feel betrayed; I feel more emotional now after the UN Press Conference than I was during the Conference howling at 60 year olds about the fairytales of eternal economic growth”  Thunberg angrily wrote in her bottled letter sent through by mid-ocean ridge tremors to the US press. The rest of her letter sadly biodegraded before it could be deciphered by 5th grade teachers. However, a team of Harvard researchers are pouring millions to research the  theoretical case of the hypothetical companion star Nemesis disrupting the orbits of comets in the Oort cloud and its generation of large asteroids potentially reaching inner solar system to Earth’s atmosphere, which would pose a significant risk to Thunberg’s letter’s half-life.

Since the letter, Thunberg has healed most of her childhood PTSD from her UN speech. She’ll plan a comeback to the United States once she finishes her journey back to her home country in her wooden yacht; We will just have to wait for a few more months until she actually reaches Sweden by paddle. Let us pray that Sweden’s earth crust still contains enough radioactive decay from the Chernobyl disaster for Thunberg’s geothermal reservoirs to work when she comes home to power her cellphone.

No matter what people say about her, Greta Thunberg remains an inspiration to all as a Saint who voiced environmental concerns for humanity. Truly a gospel of redemption, and one of her bravery and intelligence matched only with icon Joan of Arc. She’s the next prophet, the next Joan of Arc to lead us to salvation without carbon dioxide. A highest compliment to Hillary Clinton and tree nymphs. But Greta Thunberg does not believe so; She does not want to be the next Joan d’Arc, which is understandable.

 The amount of carbon dioxide Arc released while being burnt at the stake was just unforgivable.

RU-Alert: Formerly Caged Nic Cage Now Uncaged

By Harry Nuttsaac

Early Tuesday morning, most people affiliated with Rutgers received a notification from the state’s worst police department announcing that overactive actor and deranged lunatic Nicolas Cage has escaped from his cage, and he’s not doing so well. As many have probably noticed, Cage is single-handedly responsible for a constant barrage of bad movies which has only escalated over the past few years. In 2019 alone, Cage starred in SIX whole movies that almost no one saw, and those who were unfortunate enough to have even caught a glimpse of movies like A Score to Settle, Color Out of Space, or Primal (you don’t recognize any of these titles, do you?) have not stopped crying, often repeating phrases like “was this really necessary,” “think of all the movies they could have made instead,” and “why does he keep doing this to us?”.

In the interest of the American people, the government has decided to lock up Cage in a secret government bunker located a mile below ground under College Ave (Holloway got a really nice early-Christmas bonus for Rutgers’ sacrifice). In his time imprisoned, Cage has become even more deranged than he was before, claiming that he was actually John Travolta the whole time and that he’s gonna kill his guards with his “penance stare”. Despite the constant presence of guards, Cage has escaped the underground bunker and made his way to the surface of New Brunswick.

Since the time of his escape, many people have called into RUPD making claims about seeing Nic Cage running around, screaming in a horrible accent about “stopping Cyrus the Virus before he gets to Independence Hall.” The major concern is not that Cage may hurt someone (he’s almost exclusively played good guys) but that he may try to infiltrate the police or the government since his résumé boasts being a firefighter on 9/11 and the captain of the USS Indianapolis. When The Medium called RUPD to ask what they’re going to do about the Nic Cage problem, a representative said, “Hey, we haven’t done our jobs in years and now we have to break up a whole house party a week, we’re really spread thin”.

Trump Accidentally Admitted to Walter White Medical Center, Injected With Meth

By Harry Nuttsaac

Despite never wearing a mask, throwing parties at the Rose Garden, and being hopped up on known miracle drug and fish tank cleaner hydroxychloroquine, President Trump has somehow come down with COVID-19. Following the Rose Garden event for Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett, eight attendees of which have already tested positive for COVID-19, and the first Presidential debate, where he mocked Joe Biden for wearing masks more often than necessary, Trump tested positive either late Thursday evening or early Friday morning for COVID-19. I think I speak for most people when I say that I’m surprised, but not that surprised, like when your friend pulls out a hidden gift at your birthday party and you have to act really surprised when you were kinda hoping it would happen the whole time.

Even though Trump is severely overweight and is over 70 years old, he still thinks the disease, that has so far killed upwards of 209 million Americans, might be a hoax and almost had to be forced by advisors to go to the hospital. The Medium was able to get a hold of tapes from the conversation a disgruntled Trump had inside of his helicopter with the pilot, in which he said, “Yeah, take me to, uh, what’s it called, Walter something. I don’t know, Walter White hospital or whatever.” Because not even his pilot gives a shit about the orange turd anymore, he took him to Walter White Medical Center, knowing full well he meant Walter Reed.

The Walter White Medical Center, named after the complicated main character and meth producer in Former-President Obama’s favorite show, is not a real medical center and is closer to a crack den, administering meth to anyone admitted there. Images and a video of Trump taken after his arrival show some of the side effects of meth: pallid and stripped down to just a shirt, Trump looks like he’s been sweating like a pig; since Melania is not present, it is believed that the President killed her in a drug-fueled rage; and, an unexpected effect of mixing hydroxychloroquine with meth, Trump is able to actually speak in complete sentences that kinda make sense for the first time in his life.

Is Hocus Pocus REALLY Your Favorite Movie?

By: PP Harding

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are falling and it’s time to break out those sweaters that may or may not fit you after gaining your quarantine weight. It’s also time for basic bitches to put a picture of them snuggled up with their laptop with the screen paused on a picture of the movie Hocus Pocus. So, for specifically scientific purposes, I decided to take a gander for myself. I love cheesy children’s movies and I especially love not watching horror movies because I am a big pussy. A big, gaping pussy. A big, flapping, juicy pussy. Anyway, I started watching the movie and immediately I was lost. I saw a colonial boy running through the wilderness and that boy was McGee from the television series NCIS. The same actor, weird, right? Ok, off track again but the point is that the movie starts out with the Sanderson sisters being hanged for taking the life of this bitch-ass little girl. Then, the scene cuts to a 1990s classroom in Massachusetts. This cool dude that’s a new student from California just doesn’t believe in all this silly Halloween stuff. A hot child high school girl (idk) asks, “How do you like Massachusetts so far?” and this guy replied, “It’s great here except for all this Halloween stuff.” Like WHAT? Is he implying that people from California do not celebrate Halloween? Anyway, the legend was that if a virgin lit this one candle, the Sanderson sisters would come back and suck off all the children for their spirit energy. This new guy was like, “If it’s really real, let’s light this candle and see what happens.” He’s like “we need a virgin ;)” and then lit the candle himself like he’s slick or something. Then, the fucking witches return and the plot continues but is Disney trying to tell me that NO ONE else has tried this? In the 300 years this legend has been around, there weren’t other shit kids who tried the same shit? I could literally write a five page paper about this. Not to mention, while I was watching this movie, my laptop died and never turned back on (It’s been 3 days). So I have to ask, is this really your favorite movie, random white girl on her Instagram story?

Ass-trology: What Stupid Trump or Biden Comment are You?

By Harry Nuttsaac

Aries: “You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier!” – Biden

Taurus: “No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.” – Trump

Gemini: “Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran a bunch of bad boys.” – Biden

Cancer: “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’” – Trump

Leo: “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” – Trump

Virgo: “They are about to knock my mother on the head with a lead pipe.” – Biden

Libra: “It’s not been easy for me. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.” – Trump

Scorpio: “I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.” – Biden

Sagittarius: “Supposing you brought the light inside of the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.” – Trump

Capricorn: “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” – Biden

Aquarius: “Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming.” – Trump

Pisces: “All men and women are created, by the, you know, you know, the thing.” – Biden