I’ve Never Abused a Woman, Only a Wretched Witch, Savvy?

By Johnny Depp

I’m sure all you scallywags have heard the news that I will no longer be a part of the Pirates of the Carribean team because of the supposed abusive nature of the lovely female species. Yes, ‘tis the pirate’s life for me, but I still have the proper raising to respect the women in my life. But let me make it absolutely clear, Amber Heard is no lovely bird. She is a creature of undeniable evil who has managed to push the great Captain Ja– Johnny Depp to his breaking point. She has cut me, taken a bloody massive pile of shit on my bed, (I mean what person would intentionally shit the bed?) and has hit me more times than you could possibly imagine. Several times I attempted to parlay with her, but everytime she just screams in my face ‘til I start yelling back and then she starts throwing shit at me. And forget about the damage done to me, but the rum that she obliterated with her feeble witch hands! That’s how I know she could not be human, but a being far more treacherous! This broke me and that’s when I committed what you all claim to be domestic abuse, when in truth it was simply self defense or perhaps at the very least getting bloody even. Either way I’ve never beaten a woman and I appreciate all the support on reddit. And to Warner Brothers and Disney, remember this as the day you lost Captain Jack Sparrow!… and Gellert Grindelwald if anyone still cares about that.

A Cool History Fact for Every Zodiac Sign

By Harry Nuttsaac

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Blackbeard the pirate was playing a game of poker when he shot two of the men at the table. The only reason: “If I didn’t, you would forget who I am.”

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Most people think Davy Crockett went out in a hail of bullets at the Alamo, sealing the Alamo as a crucial part of history; really, he was dragged out and executed on his knees.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Henry Knox, after whom the fort is named, needed to move cannons across a frozen river, but the ice was too thin. His solution: violently punch holes through it so the ice would freeze back thicker. It worked.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): The son of Czar Nicholas II suffered from hemophilia. In an effort to help him, the Czarina looked for a cure, which could apparently only be achieved by literally fucking Rasputin.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Years before Caesar was emperor of Rome, he was kidnapped by pirates who demanded a ransom. He insisted his ransom be higher and then, once released, came back and killed them all.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): There were over six hundred attempts on the life of Fidel Castro, many of which came from the American government. It only took one attempt, however, to kill JFK.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Marie Antoinette never did say “let them eat cake,” but one thing she did say was “it was an accident;” those were her final words, to the executioner, after stepping on his foot.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Teddy Roosevelt was once shot during a campaign speech, only being saved by the speech folded up in his pocket. He continued to give the speech once the would-be assassin was taken away.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Lincoln’s VP and Sec of State were both supposed to die the same night as him, but one of the assassins abandoned the plan and the other somehow failed to kill a 64-year-old man alone at home in the middle of the night.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): After only being Queen for 9 days, Lady Jane Grey was imprisoned for 7 months by her cousin, Bloody Mary. Every day, she was blindfolded and told she would be executed that morning, only to not be.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Voivode Vlad Dracula is best known for massacring people and impaling them on spikes, but many people believe that, based on his relationships, he might have been compensating for inpotence.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Oscar Wilde, known homosexual, and Walt Whitman, rumored homosexual, once spent an evening together, but nobody is sure what happened that night…

5 Ways to Spice Up your Bedroom

By – P. P. Harding

1. X Marks the Spot– Get really into pirate role play. Have your first mate draw a red “X” where they want to ejaculate and if they hit their target yell “Shiver me timbers!”, then both enjoy a nice orange to prevent scurvy.
2. Sundae Surprise– Grab yourself some sprinkles, whip up some cream, get some ice cream. Put the toppings on the ice cream. Eat the ice cream. Do not have sex.
3. Pinata Party– wear a blindfold and grab that old baseball bat from out of the garage. Tie your partner up and violently beat them with the bat within an inch of their life.
4. Cum Home for Christmas– Get festive! Take a candy cane and repeatedly shove it in and out of your partner’s asshole until the end of it looks like the tip of a Christmas tree star
5. Shrexy– Reuse your condoms! Place your used condoms over your partner’s ears (to look like Shrek) and have them yell “GET OUT OF MAH SWAMP” in a thicc Scottish accent.