This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now….or else!
By – P. P. Harding
- X Marks the Spot– Get really into pirate role play. Have your first mate draw a red “X” where they want to ejaculate and if they hit their target yell “Shiver me timbers!”, then both enjoy a nice orange to prevent scurvy.
- Sundae Surprise– Grab yourself some sprinkles, whip up some cream, get some ice cream. Put the toppings on the ice cream. Eat the ice cream. Do not have sex.
- Pinata Party– wear a blindfold and grab that old baseball bat from out of the garage. Tie your partner up and violently beat them with the bat within an inch of their life.
- Cum Home for Christmas– Get festive! Take a candy cane and repeatedly shove it in and out of your partner’s asshole until the end of it looks like the tip of a Christmas tree star
- Shrexy– Reuse your condoms! Place your used condoms over your partner’s ears (to look like Shrek) and have them yell “GET OUT OF MAH SWAMP” in a thicc Scottish accent.
If your rolls are 2 for 5 your fish were for sure raised in poverty
2. The United States Dollar
Talkin exchange rates buddy
3. Those birds outside your window at 6am
…would kind of suck if they were cheep-er amirite?
4. Ice cream with edible gold flakes
Not a bargain, intentionally
Fire Tastes Great
BY Joe Shumarova
Fire is involved in the creation of so many varieties of food. Have you ever tried to eat spaghetti without cooking it? It tastes like shit. Worse than shit, even. If fire is involved, your meal will taste warm and it will be satisfying.
If you believe that electricity tastes better than fire, for whatever inexplicable reason, just try to lick an electrical outlet. The taste is roughly equivalent to the Brower bagels that are placed inconspicuously by the coffee machines. And that’s if you don’t die of electrocution.
If you put fire in your mouth, you won’t perish. Probably not, anyway. Instead, you’ll merely burn your tastebuds. Ergo, the question of which tastes better will become irrelevant to you. Fire tastes better, it’s a fact.
Electricity Tastes Better
BY Ashlyn Cerullo
Electricity is used in the creation of so many more food varieties, it’s ridiculous. Like, how about the fact that refrigerators require electricity to function, as do freezers, huh?
Ice cream, beer, soda, cheese, and a countless variety of other foods require either refrigeration or freezing to taste decent. And all the food that you would traditionally make with fire, can be made with electric stoves and ranges. There is literally nothing you can make with fire that you cannot make with electricity. Fire is obsolete and reminiscent of cavemen and Neanderthals.
And if you decide to eat electricity plain, it is survivable in small quantities. It feels weird, but not necessarily bad, and the pain can easily be used to wake you up in the morning in absence of coffee. Electricity is more helpful in the kitchen than fire.