Biden Falls Down Stairs, Remembers Campaign Promises

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

Both a tragedy and a blessing occurred last Friday when President Biden repeatedly did what old men do best when walking up the stairs to Air Force One. It should not really come as a surprise to anyone that a 78-year-old man fell down the stairs the other day (it should be more of a surprise that he didn’t break like cheap china); what is surprising, though, is that Biden came away feeling better than ever. On his way up the 25 or so steps to Air Force One, Biden fell a whopping 3 times (New High Score!) and reversed some of the mental deterioration that has come with his age.

Once Biden was secure in the plane, a doctor on board diagnosed him with a concussion after all of his falls and, seemingly as a direct result, Biden seemed to be doing better. The President is said to have exclaimed, “My God, I forgot about raising the minimum wage! And protections for trans people! Holy shit, I forgot so much!” Doctors who have since met with Biden have confirmed that this sudden reversal of amnesia (the onset of which is dated sometime around November of last year) is most likely due to his fall.

As soon as Air Force One landed, Biden called for a press conference, seemingly to address how he has failed to make due on many of his campaign promises. During this conference, Biden told the country, “Listen mack, I totally forgot about so many promises I made to you guys. I now remember I said something about forgiving student loans, about de-escalating involvement in the Middle East, about involving the most left members of my party. I am incredibly sorry to you all for not having addressed these forgotten problems since I took office. Let me take this moment now to tell you my plans for the future on these topics: I am now going to choose to forget them. Get fucked.”

Head of Boy Scouts Explains Why Their Sexual Abuse Not That Bad

By: Cin Drariug

 

After Joe Biden blasted the Boy Scouts of America and the Catholic Church for the now over 105,00 claims of sexual abuse, the head of the BSA, Roger C. Mosby, released the following statement:

“We have mandatory youth protection training and background checks for all volunteers and staff. We have policies that prohibit one-on-one interactions between youth and adults and require that any suspected abuse is reported to law enforcement. Our volunteers and employees take youth protection extremely seriously and do their part to help keep kids safe.

“In no way is it still possible for a person to ‘Not Listen To Our Rules.’ Also, it is not possible that kids that were molested recently still feel too raw or connected to their pasts to reveal the trauma that happened to them.

“In fact, we recently started a new campaign to further reduce the remaining (non-existent) sexual assault that still occurs in the BSA. In the past five years, we have aggressively reduced our membership numbers. The fewer scouts we have, the fewer scouts we can sexually harass.  

“While we can never repair the damage caused, we can improve for the future.”

In the same conference where he addressed the abuse within the BSA and Catholic Church,  Biden talked about the recently released STD Surveillance Report that documents more than 115,000 syphilis cases, a 5 percent increase in Gonorrhea, and a 3 percent increase in Chlamydia. He said:

“STDs can come at a high cost for babies and other vulnerable populations. Come On America. We need to curb the spread. We are in this together. You know what I told the American people and that is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope that tomorrow will be brighter. We’re gonna build back better. We’re going to make America fair for people of all kinds and for people everywhere. For people in all states. Not Blue states or Red states but all of them. ”

He continued for several minutes after.

In unrelated news, the BSA and the Catholic Church announced a sponsorship deal with Trojan™ Extra Large.

“Grandpa! You Forgot Your Clothes” by Cin Drariug

Ass-trology: What Stupid Trump or Biden Comment are You?

By Harry Nuttsaac

Aries: “You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier!” – Biden

Taurus: “No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.” – Trump

Gemini: “Corn Pop was a bad dude, and he ran a bunch of bad boys.” – Biden

Cancer: “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’” – Trump

Leo: “I’ve said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” – Trump

Virgo: “They are about to knock my mother on the head with a lead pipe.” – Biden

Libra: “It’s not been easy for me. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.” – Trump

Scorpio: “I’ve known eight presidents, three of them intimately.” – Biden

Sagittarius: “Supposing you brought the light inside of the body, which you can do either through the skin or in some other way.” – Trump

Capricorn: “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids.” – Biden

Aquarius: “Perhaps we could use a little bit of that good old Global Warming.” – Trump

Pisces: “All men and women are created, by the, you know, you know, the thing.” – Biden

PERSONALS- WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 23RD, 2020

By A Fun Ghoul

What does it mean if you’re peeing green?

Get outta here ya dumb mick no Irish allowed!

Over/under on the higher powers (or lack thereof) saying fuck it and unleashing Yellowstone’s might this year? Or do they hate us enough to want our misery prolonged?

You think Yellowstone is bad? Buddy, wait till you hit the bathroom after some of my wife’s cooking.

My dad won’t shut the fuck up about TikTok, should I put him down?

You should give him a Kik in the Kok if ya catch my drift.

How many “Among Us” games can I be participating in at once?

The only GAME you should be PARTICIPATING is our democracy by voting this      

November for former governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura.

Are we gonna be back for in person classes next Spring?

Yes but only people with COVID are allowed on campus.

How will Microsoft’s acquisition of Bethesda affect me personally?

Whenever you load up Windows Todd Howard will monitor your search history to make sure you’re not pirating Skyrim.

What’s the best Justin Timberlake album?

The one about sex noises or whatever.

Suggestions for Joe Biden to improve his campaign?

I feel like he should be more racist to attract Trump voters but that’s just me.

If you could kill one animal in hand-to-hand combat who would it be?

I would absolutely fuck up a hippo if given the opprotunity. 

See any good movies lately?

I was watching A Beautiful Mind because from the title I thought that someone made a Biopic about me and I was greatly disappointed.

Biden: “Can’t Accuse Me of Things I Don’t Remember Doing”

By Harry Nuttsaac

Ahead of the first presidential debate for this year, which will happen on Tuesday, September 29th between Democratic candidate and incumbent Donald Trump, the challenging candidate is attempting to improve the general public’s view of him. In a statement released yesterday, Biden sought to clarify his stand on various claims being made against him, including eight separate women who have claimed he sexually harassed them and others who say he has made racially insensitive remarks toward them or others. In the video released by Biden’s campaign, the candidate states, “Listen here, everyone. All of you can’t accuse me of things I don’t remember doing, and trust me, that sure is a lot nowadays.”

Biden’s mental fitness is something that has come under fire repeatedly in the last year with people citing many instances of rambling, losing track of his thoughts, and confusing himself for his wife. He isn’t the only one, however, as president Trump took a test that he claimed to be for those of genius IQs (it was a dementia test, that fucking idiot), and his publicity about it has since backfired. We can see the same thing happening with Biden’s statement already, as reporters at CNN asked Biden, “Is this an admission of guilt? Are you saying that you did do the things people are accusing you of?” Biden replied, “That’s a good question, you’re just about as smart as a white guy.”

Many who support Biden fear that these statements might do significant harm to his campaign, which has begun to show strength that has been lacking. Speeches that Biden made regarding the COVID-19 pandemic and Black Lives Matter protests in Kenosha County, WI, have been emotionally moving and intellectually organized, helping put to bed many of the questions about Biden’s mental fitness. However, Biden’s speech yesterday and his followup on Twitter (“Listen here, everyone. I don’t think you all really got the gist of what I was saying. To clarify, what was it that I did say?”) seem to have done some damage to his credibility and will certainly be a question in the debate three weeks out.