Top 10 Kinds of People We Should Exclusively Keep the Death Penalty For

By: PP Harding

10. People who call tomato sauce “gravy”

I don’t know, I guess it’s a regional thing but SAUCE IS SAUCE AND NOT ALL SAUCE IS GRAVY!! Gravy is the shit you bathe a Thanksgiving turkey in so that it’s actually palatable, not what you eat with spaghetti. 

9. People who pronounce words from other languages how they think they would if they were from that culture but aren’t

I am Italian-American, my grandparents came from Italy as immigrants, and I have a huge extended family of Italian-Americans. I have NEVER heard any one of them pronounce it “mootz-arrrrrrrell” or “rrrrree-coat-ta”. If you pronounce it that way, great, but do NOT correct me, you fucking cavone.

8. People who refuse to watch popular television shows because they are too “mainstream”

Listen, I understand that sometimes you may have tried to watch a popular show and you’re just not into it. You don’t have to like the same things as everyone else. I’m talking about the people who genuinely believe they are cooler or better for not watching those shows. How do you know you’re not going to like it?? Don’t be such an Aquarius.

7. People who put empty containers of food back into the fridge/cupboard

You think that you’re going to have a little snacky snack and then you pick up the container and its super light and you open it and THERE IS NOTHING IN IT.

6. People who are condescending

I don’t know what is worse–people who are my friends talking down to me or people who I don’t know talking down to me. Either way, you’re dead to me.

5. People in food videos on Instagram that cut the food in half and then squeeze out its innards 

You’re not supposed to squeeze a burrito and the mixed contents are not supposed to be seen by human eyes once it has been wrapped into the tortilla. Thank you for making me vomit inside my mouth.

4. The Rutgers faculty that made my Biology exam at 9:40 PM on a Monday night

I’m basically in bed by that point every night. How am I supposed to understand what’s happening?

3. People who abuse animals

Kill a person? Eh, it was probably their fault. But what did that animal ever do to you?? There is no saving your soul. Away with you!

2. People who say “Guess what!” and you say “What?” and then they say “nO, yOu HaVe To GuEsS!”

I won’t guess and YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!

1. People who play together in Among Us and when you kill one of them, the other one exposes you as the imposter because their friend told them that you killed them

There is no room for your snitch ass in society. You are literal scum. I will see you in Hell.

Arts: Will you shut up, man? By Harry Nutsaac

task completed by the jot

Colorblind People Should be Banned from Among Us

By An Angry Gamer

 

Color blind people are the worst players of Among Us. How dare you bring your stupid disability and fuck up a game for everyone else. “It’s blue!” Shut the fuck up you dumb mother fucker. It’s fucking purple. If you are color blind call them by their name you stupid fuck. The amount of games that I lost because some disabled fucking loser mixed up two players is astounding. And don’t even think I forgot about the fact that they can’t even do the fucking wiring because their lack of visual prowess. And seriously that is not an exaggeration, I had no idea how common color blindness is until now.

They honestly should be banned from the game. I wish it did not have to come to this. They could have just shut the fuck up. They could just pay attention to people’s names. Get a friend to help them with the wiring. But nooooooo. They fuck shit up and then go “sorry guys I’m color blind.” I will make you for realz blind you vision cuck. They should have a color test when you first open the game so that they can find out who these inferior fucking losers are and put them in their own little disabled server. And for those of you who think I am being prejudiced, I’m not. I have no problem playing with people who are white, black, asian, hispanic, or any other race or ethnicity. I just don’t want to play with the people who can’t fucking tell the difference between the previously listed.