I’m Hype as Shit for the New Aladdin Remake

By: Richard Hertz

Over the past few weeks there has been a lot of negative internet hullabaloo surrounding the new Aladdin reboot coming out; quite frankly, I could not be any more pumped for the new flick. Whether it be the obvious cynical cash grab nature of retelling a beloved animated classic or Will Smith’s smug stupid face shittily CGIed onto a buff genie, I live for this shit. I am a masochist, and there’s few greater pains than seeing your childhood so willingly exploited for the sake of capital gain.

There are few companies that hurt just that right amount that Disney, and it’s sadist shareholders, does. Mine can’t be the only peepee that gets hard whenever I see a new assault on things I once held dear. Growing up I had to have watched Aladdin over a dozen times, it was one of my favorite movies; Robin Williams’ portrayal was iconic and some of the music and imagery still sticks with me to this day. It is this very investment in intellectual property that makes my current orgasms so godman powerful, it’s basically long-term edging. I mean like what other possible reason would there be to basically just movie magic Smith onto a muscular body, other than to give pain addicts like me some prime-tier fetish material.

Disney’s Aladdin Stuck in Iraq Because of Trump Travel Ban

Squid
Travel Expert

BAGHDAD—As President Trump’s travel ban moves into its second week of effect, residents from the US and outside countries are beginning to feel more and more of the repercussions the largest being denial of visa holding citizens to the country. This has affected esteemed professors, businessmen, and even a few celebrities, the most notable being the Disney prince Aladdin.

Aladdin, having gone to Baghdad per Jasmine’s request to visit with family and friends, heard the news of the travel ban and attempted to get back to the US right away. Unfortunately, with the ban going into effect almost immediately, Aladdin was denied even the ability to get on a plane leaving for LAX.

“’It will be good for the kids,’ she said. ‘We haven’t seen her father in years,’ she said,” mused Aladdin in an exclusive phone interview.

According to witnesses, immigration officers stepped on to the Turkish Airways flight asking that the entire Royal Agraban family remove themselves from the flight to which Aladdin responded, “Oh suck my dick,” before being forcibly removed from the aircraft.

“All I want to do is get the fuck home at this point. After all I’ve done for those fuckers at Mouse Land, they can’t even get me a flight home,” Aladdin continued in the interview.

Disney has since responded to these allegations, “The Disney Corporation has had no contact with Mr. Aladdin since 1992. We decided to cut ties after a period of back-to-back custody battles throughout several messy divorces. The views of Mr. Aladdin do not reflect those of the Disney Corporation in any way, shape, or form.”

Aladdin was last seen expelled from the Baghdad airport screaming, “Do you know who I am!?”

He is one of many being denied re-entry into this country, even with proper U.S. citizenship and documents to prove so.