By: Richard Hertz
On Monday night, Bernie Sanders held a Town Hall on CNN to take questions from a crowd and talk about his platform for the upcoming 2020 election. This event sparked a wave of support across his base for being a welcome step in the right direction amid current events illustrating a return to authoritarianism. However, not all were in support of Sander’s new economic proposals.
A slew of backlash immediately hit the websphere after, during, and even before he started talking. Self-taught experts in Economic studies and Foreign Policy flocked to their social media accounts to voice their informed opinions on Sanders’ ideas. Fifteen year old macroeconomics expert from Jackson County Missouri, Edward “Eddie” Smith wrote on Facebook page Conservative Memes for Fasci Teen “Sanders is a fuccking moron if he thinks medicare for all will work.I mean who’s going to pay for it? My Dad?”. This post got a lot of negative responses from liberal and progressive commenters, to which Eddie replied to each “Venezuela” which ended each argument. Similar sentiments were shared by other conservative and libertarian internet denizens. Local 51 year old white woman Margaret Saunters, whose employment and education status is just listed as motherhood on Facebook, wrote “These libtards are just out to tax us 97% of our income, and give it to these lazy minorities.”. Once again responding with “Venezuela” to each incoming comment. There is also a popular anti-Sanders meme circulating alt-right communities that just says “Bernie 2020, More like Bernie where’s my money.”, an anti-semitic illustration of the senator, with the phrase “bottom text” at the bottom.
Though there has been this slight increase is negative rhetoric toward the campaign, there is still much support and hope for his campaign. Bernie Sanders plans to address concerns in a future town hall in Venezuela.
After the premiere of Aquaman, merperson foster and adoption agencies saw the biggest influx of adoption applications for humans since the Disney production of The Little Mermaid. Aquaman cast a much needed light on the need for more symbiotic interspecies relations between merpeople and human people. “Aquaman highlighted a concept that had been long lost since Aquamarine and Disney’s The Little Mermaid, H2O, and The Thirteenth Year that humans and merpeople can interact and even live cooperatively together,” said Janet Thomas, a merperson and resident of Montuna, a large, rural region in the Atlantic ocean. “Sure there was a little buzz around The Shape of Water, but only my weird human friends who read The Atlantic and like to debate for fun saw it.” Given the lack of exposure to merpeople by human media outlets, it’s no surprise we are in the situation we’re in today. It just makes me sad though.”
The recent stir down under was caused when various human adoption and foster agencies denied applications by merpeople to take in human children. “We’re creatures too.” Merlinda Rodgers sighed, a trail of bubbles escaping her crestfallen face. “We love and feel just like the rest of you, even if we do it underwater”. The merperson population that has been devastatingly affected by interspecies warfare, in addition to climate change and massive amounts of waste dumped into oceans by humans. Given the severe environmental devastation, the birth rate has declined significantly, leaving more and more merpeople to rely on alternate ways of establishing families. Adoption of human children has provided a source of hope to merpeople incapable of having biological children of their own. But with discrimination exemptions granted to “species-based” adoption agencies, human agencies like Happy Human Adoptions can exclude otherwise fit merparents looking to adopt. “Look,” said merparent Ken Mirkle, “Me and my wife are like any other loving husband and wife and that’s what all kids need and deserve—we just have fins for feet.”
By, Curio B. Exual
It is simple, why don’t we have hot, barrel chested, bleach blonde, scrumptious booty boys to do the whole walking around the ring between rounds and the weigh-in fiascos. Okay, they don’t have to be blonde, but everything else still stands.
Alright, let’s get the boring one out of the way. The overt sexism is pervasive in all fighting sports. Ring girls exemplify antiquated notions of fighting sports that have existed forever. Yadda yadda objectifying women, yadda yadda enforcing gender norms, yadda yadda hypocrisy of having women fighters and ring-girls yadda yadda. We all know of this and how it’s bad and like OMG Karen you don’t have to shove your Women’s Study papers down my throat. Now to the fun part, THEM HUNKY BOOTY BOYS!
I want these fucks to be 6 foot tall and ripped in places I didn’t even know existed. Fighters are too scary and look weird with all their bruises and giant egos. I want a soft, sensual, sultry man walking around with those stupid cards. He has to be loaded in the following categories: funk, junk, and the trunk. I don’t care if men are the target audience. You’ll finally get women and the rest of the sexual spectrum will finally give damn about your barbaric, ego-driven, testosterone-ridden idea of a sport.
By: Richard Hertz
Over the past few weeks there has been a lot of negative internet hullabaloo surrounding the new Aladdin reboot coming out; quite frankly, I could not be any more pumped for the new flick. Whether it be the obvious cynical cash grab nature of retelling a beloved animated classic or Will Smith’s smug stupid face shittily CGIed onto a buff genie, I live for this shit. I am a masochist, and there’s few greater pains than seeing your childhood so willingly exploited for the sake of capital gain.
There are few companies that hurt just that right amount that Disney, and it’s sadist shareholders, does. Mine can’t be the only peepee that gets hard whenever I see a new assault on things I once held dear. Growing up I had to have watched Aladdin over a dozen times, it was one of my favorite movies; Robin Williams’ portrayal was iconic and some of the music and imagery still sticks with me to this day. It is this very investment in intellectual property that makes my current orgasms so godman powerful, it’s basically long-term edging. I mean like what other possible reason would there be to basically just movie magic Smith onto a muscular body, other than to give pain addicts like me some prime-tier fetish material.
By Dandy Cough-man
Heaven, Purgatory-Over forty angels have come forward with reports that God had said or behaved inappropriately in the workplace. Last Thursday God released a statement confirming the allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior saying. “I abused my infinite power and dominion over all things in the universe and for my actions I am deeply regretful. This does not represent me as a higher multi-dimensional being.” Despite the allegations, God plans to continue releasing new species and natural disasters in the subsequent months. “Yes the reality of the situation is tragic, but I have some really important projects coming up that you should all be on the lookout for. Lava rain! There I said it, I’m too excited to keep it in.” Lucifer commented saying he didn’t “fall from heaven” but was forced to leave after threatening to break his NDA. “I was going to tell everyone about the unwanted halo rubs, constant voyeurism, and apparitions in the bathroom but God clipped my wings and sent me to Hell. What an ordeal this has been, I guess that’s what I get for being outspoken.” God has decided to spend some time on Cloud Nine reflecting on his behavior before the release of Lava rain. “I’ll see you all in a few days or so!” He said at press time.
By Sgt. Lt. Col. Cpl. Brig. Chiappa Remington Wesson Jr.
Listen folks, those of you acquainted with my last newsletter know that I am the APOTHEOSIS of ALPHA, or, as the kids would say, a CHAD. I’m OPPOSED to Radical Third Wave Cultural Marxist feminism eroding the very great foundations that this Western Civilization was built upon, just as I am opposed to my ASSHOLE DAUGHTER’S CHASTE BOSOM being within 72 SQUARE MILES of another MALE PRESENCE.
That being said, I believe Honorable Judge Gray Miller of Texas solidified an extremely cogent, POWERFUL argument when he ruled that an all-male military draft would be unconstitutional. I mean dear LORD folks, how will we fix an entire generation of LIBTARD SNOWFLAKE PANSIES if we only focus on ONE gender of them?
Back when I was stationed in Fallujah, we carried on traditional rites of passage celebrated for eons; Patriotism. Nation building. Democracy spreading. Watching your friend’s right leg blown off by fragmentation shrapnel. Planting a 9mm sidearm on the blown-apart, disemboweled corpse of that nine year old Iraqi boy who totally would’ve suicide bombed your platoon. Expressing your gratitude for Our True One God’s Divine Glorious Plan.
But what the everloving FUCK are we doing as a nation if we’re only privileging these rites of passage to our MALE Armed Forces? Why must THEY be the only ones given the rights to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and being forced to kill for the interests of our wonderful wealthy elites? Why do GUYS get to wear the “Born To Kill” helmets, but our QUEENS can’t get out there and SLAY? It’s absolutely disgusting, reprehensible, and truly unconstitutional, and I FULLY support Judge Gray’s egalitarian activism to rectify this problem.