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Buy My Anus-Sealing Device for Great Sex

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By: Lawrence Penetratore

You’re a big and strong individual. You love to be the dominant force during sex. I know what that’s like because I’m the same way. But I had a problem. When I would be engaging in the sexual activities, I’d feel a strong urge to fart. Sometimes it’s even a shart. That’s a shit fart if you don’t know. Anywho, I invented this new device to deal with this issue. It’s a vacuum sealing device you fit over your asshole. It has to be a hermetic seal to keep the pressure on your colon gases so that they aren’t released. The first time I used it I was in shock! I didn’t fart all over my partner while we were face to face. I never knew how good sex could be until I vacuum sealed my own asshole. This device can be bought from my personal collection, either used or unused, for $30. It also works to keep your poop inside of you during intercourse…if you’re really vanilla like that. I am currently working on another sex device to sell for money and clout. It’s a dirty talk translator. For example, If you ever find yourself in a sexual situation with a German person and they scream something, the device will scream to you what they said but in your native tongue. I am already banned from entering 12 countries because of my radical ideas. Please help me.

A7

Seeking: Shit to Break

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By Johnny Tenderloin

 

I was eleven years old, and it was love at the first fifteen window panes. I still recall the bloodstained texture of the hardware store tiling like it was yesterday. My metamorphic transformation into the Burlington Bullet. The Mangled Mange. The flesh and glass mosaic on Aisle Five. From that moment on, hours before the trauma center catheter even entered me, my body and spirit had become awakened to a transcendental euphoria like no other.

 

No longer did I feel the need to capitulate to delusory whims of authority, care about fulfilling my peers avarice for ostracization, or acquiesce to the false dominions of stability and permanence. I welcomed the entropic, destructive nature of being with a warm embrace. Blunt, sharp, thick, thin; none of it could withstand the primordial violence of a hulking 180 lb skinnyfat adolescent violently shoulder checking, juking, brusque stiff arming that shit. No desk un-powerbombed, no pencils unbroken and unsplintered, no tissue of skin uncut.

 

I’ve tried it all growing up. Fucking, cumming, sunset watching, autoerotic paragliding asphyxiation, the woodland opiate den, but nothing gives me a comparable, familiar, Nirvanic womb feeling quite like TKO dropkicking a bathroom air dryer out of the wall. Bludgeoning an aluminum trash can to completion has exhumed my loneliness quite like no amount of platonic friends or intimate romantic partners ever would. I’ve had my fair share of tetanus, gangrene, wounds, scabs, pus bubbles, and NDE’s accrued over the years, but I wouldn’t trade those heaving, vomiting, all-natty DMT floor trips for the world. 

 

As the old Confucian proverb goes, do what you love, and never work a day in your life, which is exactly why I’m openly offering my services to slowly kill myself to support myself as a freelance independent contractor. If you have shit you want broken, please email me at tenderizedbeef69@gmail.com for further inquiry. Payments operate upon a NET30 contract, but feel free to draw out the ghosting, nebulous updates, vague tax forms, and pulling teeth for compensation even longer. I am a connoisseur of misery whomst will stop at nothing* to quell his gluttonous appetite for pain and debasement.

 (*Not even sounding)