Rutgers Announces “Rutgers vs Capcom” Videogame in Effort to Grow its eSports Community

By Gary Pooper

“IT’S RUTGAHS BAYBEE!” This morning, Rutgers president and (alleged) NAMBLA member Jonathan Holloway announced a partnership between the university and Japanese video game company Capcom. “I took a trip to South Korea last week,” the president said, “and damn, those motherfuckers love watching people play video games. So I figured I might as well jump on that train while the getting’s good.” As part of this partnership, Capcom will produce a new video game from its acclaimed “Vs Capcom” series. This time, Capcom characters will be duking it out against some of Rutgers’ most famous figures and alumni. 

So far, confirmed playable characters on the Rutgers side of the roster include the Busch Geese, Paul Robeson, football coach Greg Schiano, James Gandolfini, and that one guy on campus who really liked arm wrestling people. The Capcom side will include beloved characters like Mega Man, Street Fighter’s Ryu, Dante of the Devil May Cry series, Resident Evil’s Leon S. Kennedy, and Harman Smith of Killer 7. Representatives from Capcom had very little to say about this shocking announcement. A spokesperson said to me: “We’re very sorry that this is what your tuition money is going towards, but at least you have some closure now.”

I attempted to interview some members of the Rutgers eSports community in an attempt to gauge general interest, but the Super Smash Bros players smelt so stinky that I ran into the nearest restroom and started puking into a toilet.

Biden First President Since 2001 to Remember We’re in Afghanistan

By Harry Nuttsaac

Early last week, President Biden promised to bring home all of the American troops stationed in Afghanistan, making him the first president since George W. to remember that there are troops stationed in Afghanistan. The War in Afghanistan, for all of those who have totally forgotten about it or never learned about it in the first place, Ronald “Asshole” Reagan gave the burgeoning country of Afghanistan a shitload of guns and money to create a military and keep outside influences at bay in return for cheap oil. However, the Afghanistan government took this literally and made a death squad to keep outside influences at bay, including the US. So that’s why we’re in there.

Bush and his dad, Reagan’s lackey, forgot about all of this until a couple of buildings came down in 2001 and made sure we “never forget.” Since then, Congress has just kept clearing those checks year after year, dumping money into our war in Afghanistan, never having actually checked to see where the money was going. According to our sources, Biden found some folded papers keeping the desk in the Oval Office from wobbling last week: Bush’s speech urging the US to invade Afghanistan. It immediately clicked in his old-man brain that we were still doing that thing and we needed to actually finish that shit up.

Following this incident, Biden made a promise to the nation that we were finally going to pull out of Afghanistan by the end of his administration. The entire country let out a simultaneous “Oh yeah!” upon hearing the reveal, as they had largely forgotten about the war, as well. You know who didn’t forget about the War in Afghanistan, though? The upwards of 35,000 innocent civilians who died.

What Does President Holloway Smell Like? Here Are Our Best Guesses

By P.P. Harding and Harry Nuttsaac

The COVID-19 pandemic has caused so much distress for so many people, upsetting countless lives and ruining human connections. It also robbed us of the opportunity to give our new president a real good sniff! Here are some guesses for what he maybe smells like.

• Alaskan Thunderfuck: Holloway was going around ripping fat doobies all over campus before it was even legal. Without anybody there, my guy’s gotta make the whole campus reek all by himself.
• Freshly baked cookies: His face makes me feel like I’m being softly caressed by my grandmother with just a look. All the emotions come flooding back to me and my facial orifices are overwhelmed by the smell of my grandmother’s homemade cookies. Is it just a memory? Perhaps. But it is the only thing I can smell when I look into Holloway’s bedroom eyes. Also, RIP Grandma (1942-2021).
• A dirty hooker from George Street: This bitch smells like Jack Daniel’s, cum, and both types of crabs at the same time. One whiff of him and you know you’re not breaking the bank on this trip to Hand Job City.
• Old crabs: We here at The Medium have the insider scoop that Jonathan Holloway has been keeping all the uneaten seafood from the dearly missed King Neptune Night at the dining halls from last September. Though no one was there to relish in such underwater delights, the dining halls still used ¼ of each student’s tuition to cook what one could only describe as an unholy amount of seafood. 
• Gamer girl bathwater: Holloway also allegedly has spent the other ¾ of each student’s tuition on the top tier shit from all the cam girls out there, even that one dirty hooker from George Street. This man exclusively takes second-hand baths.
• The upper-left corner of Guam: I think my family went there on vacation one time. If Holloway were to smell like anything, I’d put my money on Guam.

Best Accounts to Follow on Parler

By Big Baller

Parler, the social media app being lauded as “the Redbox of tech,” is returning to the Apple App store. Here are the best personalities to keep up with.

Andy Ngo – You can find some quality content on Andrew’s Parler page, such as him getting physically destroyed and then posting pictures of himself nearly crying.

Ninja – Check out the streaming legend’s page to hear his views on abortion, gun control, and vegans (he hates all of them).

Bryce Hall – Bryce Hall assaults people on his Parler page.

Hillary Clinton – On MY PRESIDENT’S Parler account you’ll find information on her new neapolitan-style pizza joint opening next month.

Bill Clinton – On Bill Clinton’s Parler account you’ll find loads of porn.

Dan Bilzerian – Dan does awesome stuff on his Parler. And he’s jacked and gets tons of babes. You have to check it out.

Marjorie Taylor Greene – The brain behind “the Greene new deal” delivers facts, logic, and rational thought on her Parler account.

Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez – God, will this woman just shut up? I mean, who cares about this stuff? I sure don’t!

Joe Rogan – Joe Rogan EATS ASS on Parler.

Eminem – Shady loves Parler. He uses it to post pictures of himself in hats that look like they were just purchased from Michael’s by a 50 year old hairdresser and are about to be bedazzled.

Discord is Too Confusing

By: Penn A. Trayshun

Let me make this as clear as possible. I think that Discord is a great app. But there are a few problems. I recently put a message into a chat that I have with some friends on the app and I was met with a response: “yo idiot, you’re not that funny, go back to making cakes in prison like you used to do.” Look, I’m not going to say if I used to do that. It’s not important and it’s not the point. But here’s what went wrong. The person who wrote that message has the username “GeebOffThaiHooker32” and their profile picture is a unicorn with a black phallus. So, I don’t even know who insulted me. Is it my best friend? An old enemy? A random passerby? I have no way of knowing. Furthermore, there were two “reactions” to this message. One of them was Nick Cage’s face, the other was a cow with a mustache holding a bloodied chainsaw. So, what the fuck does that mean? Discord makes no sense. Am I supposed to be angry? Full of laughter? Should I go to a house of worship and absolve myself of sin? I have no fuckin’ clue! To fix these grievous issues, Discord needs to have an icon where you can see someone’s real name instead of their pathetic username. It also needs to have a key that can explain what the hell a bloodied and fancy bovine reaction means, cause I’ve got nothing.

You Should Write for The Medium

By: Penn A. Trayshun

Flashback to late Spring semester 2019. COVID didn’t exist yet, the Knightwagon was nourishing more students’ souls than Brower ever could, and the biggest public health concern on campus was avoiding sitting on a wet seat on a bus. On a warm and sunny afternoon, a freshman student just got out of class and had a fat meal at the Livi dining hall (still the best one at Rutgers, I WILL throw hands over this). He felt a bit bored and a bit lonely, unsure of what he would do to pass the down time. Like many of you, he wasn’t involved in many clubs; he hadn’t thought of joining a frat. He went back to an empty dorm on weekends cause his roommate loved going home…and for some stupid reason, this freshman hadn’t even started drinking yet. I digress. Then, this student chanced upon the latest copy of The Medium sitting in a neat stack in the Livi student center. He took a copy, then, coincidentally, he felt like had to take a fat shit. So he went up to the second floor and took up residence in the bathroom stall, the crisp copy of The Medium sprawled out on the floor in front of him for his viewing pleasure. He laughed a lot, then took a couple fat shits, then laughed some more. He realized that there was no toilet paper left! He looked down at the paper, then thought about tearing it up and using it as toilet paper. No, he thought, I cannot commit such a dishonorable act. So, he stowed the paper in his bag and got up and walked out with shit caking his asshole. It felt like someone stuffed a lukewarm birthday cake in between his cheeks, and it went squish squish with each step. This is when he knew that in order to find a chill group of friends and have some fun, he had to write for The Medium. Now, flashforward two years, to the current Spring of 2021. Where is this guy now? Well, hell if I know, but he just might be the one who wrote the very words that your eyes have the fortune of reading right this second. He’s glad he joined the paper, and he’s even more glad that the part in the story about running out of toilet paper is absolutely false. Damn, you believed that? That’s nasty as shit! The rest is indeed true. Anyway, join The Medium!

University Voices: Worst Dorms

“King” By Pikorii

“HolPus 2.0” By Cin Drariug

Personal Ads – For Sale

For Sale: UTIMI Sex Swing with Blindfold and Ticker Bondage Restraint BDSM Sex Toy for Couples with Adjustable Straps, Never Used

Interested parties should reach out to Mark at 52 College Ave, New Brunswick, NJ 08901.

Used Rutgers President – Free

We have a used Rutgers President that we don’t need anymore. It works fine, but we recently upgraded to the new model and don’t really have space for it anymore. He’s trained in neurology, which is pretty neat. He’s also an “authority on timepieces,” whatever that means. It was signed by President Obama, which is pretty cool if you’re into that. Unfortunately, a signature from anything other than the creator removes all collector value, so it’s not really worth the time to sell it.

If you are interested, we will be leaving him on the curb out in front of Winants Hall. Just come by and pick him up.