One Year After Rutgers Sent Us Home, They Invite Us All to Go Fuck Ourselves

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

On March 10, 2020, Rutgers notified all students via email that we were to get the fuck out and stay out. Former-President Barchi spent the next two months jerking us all off: “Oh yeah, you’ll be able to come back soon! Don’t worry, this’ll be over soon!” This asshole then promptly left and left us high and dry. I mean, seriously, this guy fucked us up the ass and didn’t even stick around for a reach-around. While most of us were given until the 12th to leave with as much of our shit as we could carry, today officially marks one year since that prick Barchi told us to get lost.

While many of us will take time today to consider where we were last year, the people we have lost, and everything else that has happened to us over this unprecedented year, President Holloway’s office released a message to the student body this morning looking back on this year:

“One year ago, our lives radically changed with the important and disheartening message about the future of Rutgers. While it had been building for a long time, moving toward the inevitable, that message from Former-President Barchi became the moment when it was real to all of us. Thank god that fuck is gone, amirite ladies and gentlemen?!? Now I’M in charge, baby, and there’s nothing any of you guys can do about it! I don’t care if you guys ever come back to campus, you can all go fuck yourselves!”

Anyone who read Holloway’s message was perplexed to say the least and most took offense at the invitation to go fuck themselves. Almost instantly after the release of the message to everyone at Rutgers, Holloway’s office released a recorded message from his office, where he said, “I am deeply sorry for the message I released earlier today. While all the sentiments are 100% true, I shouldn’t have said them. I had been drinking, I scheduled a message to go out, you know how it is. And it’s not that I don’t want you all to come back, I just really enjoy jacking off in the middle of the Yard.”

News in Pictures: Mike Pence Caught Doing Porn

By: Cin Drariug

 

Rutgers School Shooter Stopped After Not Being Able to Find A Parking Spot Without Getting A Ticket

By: Cin Drariug

 

An individual who is believed to have attempted to harm students on campus was allegedly stopped by Rutgers’ stupid fucking parking rules. John Baker posted the following message to his Twitter page:

“I transferred to Rutgers last year and just as I started making friends we went online. I fucking hate my life. And you know what’s the worst part? The fucking worst part is that I’m paying fucking dumb-as-bricks teachers to screenshare the textbook and read straight from it with no notes. I would rather drink ass-water than fucking learn here for another second. 

“So, I picked up my dad’s AK and drove the fucking hour and a half to Rutgers to teach those ass licks a lesson. I get to the place and all the lots are empty but the second I park my car a Rutgers parking car comes up and fucking gives me a ticket. This manlet had the greasiest looking bundle of ‘hair’ that I thought I’d get a heart attack just looking at him. So, I leave cause I don’t wanna get those tickets piled on and have my parents pay for them after I end up killing myself. 

“I come back the next day and I try to get a one-day parking ticket that I read online that you can get for like 5 bucks. Heck, I called student services, but those clit-dicked, balls-for-brains over there said that Rutgers students aren’t allowed to get a one-day ticket. And I ask them if they fucking expect me to get a 150$ parking permit just to be able to go to Rutgers for one day. Those ball-chugging fucks just told me that they can’t help me. Where the hell am I supposed to park? FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.

“So I fucking gave up. Fuck this school. Fuck shooting up this school. Fuck everything. I’m going to Rowan.”

Despite the very real and credible threat posed by this individual, RUPD has made no attempts to bring him in for questioning because they suck ass.

In Addition to Rutgers Shutting Down, This Week Marks One Year Anniversary of My Wife Leaving Me

By Gary Pooper

 

“My wife left me,” the four words no husband ever hopes they will have to utter. Unfortunately, some 360 days ago, I became that same man, when my once-lovely (now dumb-bitch) wife left me in the middle of a pandemic. I understand that some of you may have suffered greatly during the great Coronavirus Pandemic of 2020. Many of you have lost your jobs and some, even, friends and family members. But none of the pain you have all endured over the past year can measure up to my own personal suffering. I had to learn how to cook, clean, and dress myself with no help at all. With no income, no college education, and no wife to support me, I was forced to get a job at the racism factory where I had to come up with new racial slurs for people from Croatia. I enjoyed the doing racism aspect, but a man cannot support himself on 50 cents a shift.

And where is my wife in all this? Unfortunately, dear reader, I cannot say. I fear that she is spending every waking second of her life regretting leaving her total studmuffin of a husband. Honey, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that I don’t hold anything against you and I’ll gladly take you back into my life despite all the pain and grief you’ve caused me. Maybe I did give you and all your extended family COVID because of my love for licking public lamp posts, and maybe I did sell our house to pay for a magic bag of beans that a little goblin man sold me, but as the old saying goes, pobody’s nerfect.

The Mormon Guide to Spring Break

By Big Baller

 

For single Mormons, Spring Break is one of the most promising times of the year. Thousands of young men and women flock to the same cities, presenting a unique opportunity for a Mormon to find all their soulmates at once. Unfortunately, the situation presents two challenges: everyone on Spring Break is drinking tons of alcohol and almost no one is Mormon.

To Mormons looking to find love(s) over Spring Break, this may sound discouraging. Lucky for you, I will outline exactly how to emerge from this challenge victorious.

Hit the pool

As a Mormon, you must know where you can thrive. The clubs are not that. You will be confused. You want to hit the pool and show off your moves. If someone declines your request to join you and several other people in marriage, you just glide on over to the deep end, where the risk-takers are.

Dominate the continental breakfast

Anyone who isn’t up for the CB on SB isn’t Mormon material. You want someone who gets up early to get house waffles and help out in the milk fields harvesting milk, as all Mormons do.

Blow gas

Everyone knows alcohol is not an option for Mormons. But in all my knowledge of Mormons (which comes from people making fun of Mormons), I have heard of no restrictions on dank-ass loud. If you are looking to turn someone who previously wasn’t interested in joining a cult into someone who is interested in joining a cult, this is step one. No sober person has ever joined a cult. The original Mormons were off some sour-ass milk. Some real dank grass-fed shit that went sour as a motherfucker. Damn near crunchy. They were munching on some milk and watching The Bachelor and said oh hellllllll yes brother.

Hit the strip club

If you are looking for multiple wives, this is obvious. If you are looking for multiple husbands, this is also the place to do it. Nowhere else will you find so many lonely dudes looking to shake things up.

How to Transfer From CPAC to CPAP, A Guide for Every Old Conservative

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

We here at The Medium know that our target audience is DEFINITELY a bunch of old conservatives, so here are some special tips that’ll help with getting even older!

• Drop Into Some Casinos: when you head to these convention centers for CPAC, try and find a casino nearby. They pump so much oxygen in there and I’ve heard that’s good for you old fucks.
• Try Talking Less: we know this will be the hardest one for you, but it’ll help you maintain your breathing and also reduce the chance that you say something inappropriate.
• Coat your CPAP in Crude Oil: nobody likes their CPAP machine, but once you put some of that black gold on there, you’ll have it on your face quicker than an underage girl’s butt (RIP Jeff, we know you guys were friends).
• Stop Sucking Trump’s Dick: again, you gotta keep those airways clean! We know Trump’s dick isn’t big enough for clogging airways, but you gotta beware of choking hazards, especially with your breathing problems.
• Pull Your Head Out of Your Ass: it’s hard to get the CPAP up there with you.

5 Inventions to Thank Women For

By: PP Harding

1. The first game of Monopoly: Elizabeth Magie, “The Landlord’s Game” (1904), created 30 years before a man created the game Monopoly. A typical case of “she said a joke and a man just said it louder.” Speaking of which, why don’t you give a shoutout to our girl Rosalind Franklin? 
2. Dishwasher: Josephine Cochran (1872), of course this took a woman to invent. Why would a man try to make a woman’s life any easier? God forbid women become more and more efficient. If they’re stuck doing all the dishes by hand, they’ll have no time to complain about how they can’t get a proper education.
3. Foot pedal trash can: Lillian Gilbreth (1900s), you ever thank fucking God that you don’t have to bend down to a 45º angle to lift the lid off the trash can to throw something away? Don’t thank God, he did absolutely nothing, thank Lillian Motherfucking Gilbreth. (That’s probably her middle name, I don’t know, I’ve never met her personally).
4. The G-spot: (made up I don’t know when) I don’t know who made that up but I am a man who is really good at the sex and I STILL haven’t found this so-called “G-spot” out of all of my one and a half sexual partners so I am going to assume women made it up. Typical liars. They say they want someone who treats them like a queen and yet all nice guys finish last.                                                                (We at The Medium would like to apologize for the statement above. We are pro-women during Women’s History Month and will not stand for such sentiments. Thank you.)                                                    
5. The ice cream maker: Nancy Johnson (1843) you know that box that has been sitting in your kitchen closet/basement/garage for the past 10 years collecting dust? Yeah, a WOMAN invented that. You’re fucking welcome. Maybe this summer you’ll actually use it.

The Queen Takes Mongo Smelly Shits

By: an insider source

 

I know why Meghan and Harry decided to get the hell out of the Royal family as soon as possible. Let me start from the top. They were happy at first to be royals. Who wouldn’t get an intoxicating high at the thought of being able to do whatever you want with an unlimited amount of funds that the British people pay for with their taxes? Talk about taxation without any representation. They should revolt. Anyway, Harry and Meghan were having fun in the palace when one day the Queen strolled in, lifted up her dress, and took a shit all over the floor. It wasn’t a normal shit. It had the consistency of honey on a hot summer day, like mustard squirted into a bucket of hot glue. The Queen then looked at Meghan and winked. She then proceeded to shit all over again. Naturally, this is the custom in the Royal family. We all know that the newlyweds have to endure the Queen’s stinky shit per British penal code 05643 section A3. Meghan had clearly not read this, so she twisted Harry’s arm and made him decide to exit the family. I saw all this cause I was hiding in a nearby stairwell. When I saw that Meghan couldn’t handle the royal shit that came from a colon that was around before England lost most of her empire, I laughed and cried all at once. Now, the Queen snail mails Harry and Meghan feces pieces each month just to make them remember the lifestyle they’ve left behind.

I Caught Coronavirus Trying to Watch Tom and Jerry in Theaters

By Paul Reubens

 

Alright, so Tom and Jerry are my absolute favorite animated characters of all time, I mean FAVORITE, like to what most people would call an uncomfortable extent. I enjoy it, though, so who cares, I have fun. Yeah, I have so much fun. Mmmm, yeah, you smash that mouse with a hammer, fuck, just like that. Maybe you guys are like me, but I tend to get really into my movies, sometimes I get worked up and uncomfortable. I sometimes need to strip off some layers to best get comfortable. Usually, it’s my pants, but this time it was my pants AND my mask (I needed to be able to spit in my hand).

For however much I tried to keep myself and my activities quiet, some asshole behind me yelled out, “Ayo, this guy out here wankin’ it to Tom and Jerry!” What can I say, I like my pussies and my rodents, usually together. Everybody in the theater totally overreacted and called security, who had to forcibly remove me (I made them work for it). In my flailing panic and the drama that ensued, I must have ripped some masks off of other people and one of those fucking douchebags gave me COVID! Who the fuck do they think they are, going out in public and possibly spreading the virus? Some of these people really don’t know how to act in public, huh.

University Voices: Makeshift Sex Toys