Meet the medium: halloween edition Pt. 2

High out of This World

Ripped and Torn

Sacha Baron Cohen to Run CNN, “Last Hope for Journalism”

By Harry Nuttsaac

Following the release of the pinnacle of investigative journalism that is Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, CNN has announced that they have decided to remove Jeff Zucker as President and voted to fill the position with Sacha Baron Cohen. For those unfamiliar with the Borat franchise, these films center around journalist Cohen under the identity of Kazakh reporter Borat Sagdiyev as he tours America, revealing antisemitic, racist, and misogynistic behavior across the country. In his latest movie, Cohen includes a scene that proves the existence of pedophilia among politicians better than the entire investigation into Jeffrey Epstein’s pedophile island. This scene catches the former Mayor of NYC and infamous lawyer Rudy Giuliani almost with his pants down with Borat’s fictional fifteen-year-old daughter.

While Giuliani has insisted that he was simply “tucking in [his] shirt after taking off the recording equipment,” most viewers have already decided that he was doing exactly what he is accused of doing: trying to whip his tiny schlong out in front of a minor. CNN, the Cable News Network, jumped immediately at the success of such impressive journalism and unanimously voted to remove its president in favor of Cohen. The company put out a press release about the change in management: “Borat Subsequent Moviefilm is the best piece of investigative journalism since Woodward and Bernstein did whatever they did, and it certainly got more views than any of our articles ever have. Sacha Baron Cohen is definitely the last hope for journalism.”

When asked about whether he thinks that CNN has made an appropriate administrative decision, Cohen said, “CNN is fake news media and I will make it great network for Kazakhstan. Just kidding. Seriously, though, that is a fucking stupid decision. I’m a professional actor, I have stuff going on in my life, I’m just kinda good at satire.” CNN refuses to elect anyone else to the position of president as they firmly believe Cohen is their Obi-Wan Kenobi and, since Cohen doesn’t wanna do it, are willing to go down with the ship. America is crumbling and I am crying.

Fans of Diabetes Disappointed It’s Now Only #2 Health Risk of Trick-or-Treating

By Pre Malone

COVID-19 is now the number one health risk of trick or treating, scientists say, which means that diabetes amongst adolescents has been demoted to number two. This announcement has caused much disappointment amongst diabetes’ long-time fans. Many have taken to Twitter and other social media platforms to express their solidarity with the illness during these trying times, calling diabetes the “GOAT” and saying that “COVID-19 will come and go but diabetes is forever.”  

The Medium reached out to spokespeople for the “Let’s Not Move” Campaign, a counterculture movement in response to Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” Campaign, whose members are avid supporters of diabetes and heart disease. When asked for comment, one member noted that, while he is disappointed about this particular situation, in general, COVID-19 has been very good for the “Let’s Not Move” Campaign, as millions around the world have spent the last eight months sitting in their houses and, well, not moving at all. 

This spokesperson is not alone. Overall, fans of diabetes still support trick-or-treating this Halloween, even if the health effects of the candy itself aren’t a primary concern. They urge children to go out and collect as much candy as possible, then bring it home and try to get their parents to eat it too because, pandemic or not, Halloween has always been about the overconsumption of sugary foods and it always will be.

News in pictures: Amy Barrett Confirmation

New iPhone Shocks You When You Text Your Ex

By: Throbbin Williams

It’s that time of year when Apple releases their newest product for you to stare at, and this year they’ve added a handy new feature. The iPhone 12 will deliver a massive electric shock directly to your hand whenever you go to text your ex.

The phone will detect when you’re texting a former significant other through a series of message analyzing algorithms and the front facing camera’s facial recognition software to prevent you from making a fucking fool out of yourself.

“We recognize that people inherently want to hurt,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said, “I mean, who would spend over a grand on a phone if they didn’t want to hurt? With this newest line of iPhones, we’re going to make sure that we’re the only ones doing the hurting.”

Upon detecting that you’re about to text someone who has caused you emotional anguish, the iPhone 12 will deliver a 9,000-volt shock directly to your hand, incapacitating you where you sit. This new feature was announced just days after Apple released the newest wave of phones.

“I am SO excited for this new feature,” Casey Neisat said in a tweet, “My wife absolutely hates when I text my ex, and now the new iPhone can totally prevent that argument all while causing minimal damage to my nervous system. It’s lit!”

Apple also noted that the iPhone 12 Pro will take an extra step to keep you from being ridiculed in your ex’s group chat. On top of an electric shock that could kill someone with a lot of water weight, the phone will send a beacon to a private security firm who will dispatch a kill squad to beat you to a pulp. Beta testers of these features have given the company raving reviews.

“I went to text my ex Clarissa last week, and before I could even finish typing out my message about how much I miss her I was seizing on my bedroom floor while four ex-special ops soldiers were turning my ribcage to dust. I’ll never switch from Apple products after this,” said Chris, the first to test the feature.

The iPhone 12 retails between $999 and $1,400 and was released on the 23^rd of this month. Despite this feature coming as a surprise to consumers, not one reviewer has been upset about the hidden tool.

“I was shocked, literally and figuratively, when my phone electrocuted me before I could text Evan while my roommates and I had Twisted Tuesday,” Apple user Lexi Greene said, “But fuck was I glad it did!”

Samsung has yet to comment on how they will help their consumers feel the shame of trying to crawl back to someone who doesn’t want them.

Ten Candy Bars That Could be More Faithful to the Name

By Harry Nuttsaac

Milky Way: it’s just a packet of milk. Like, the wrapper only has milk in it. How weird is it that Canadians drink bagged milk?

Baby Ruth: just actual baby. This bitch is a gory R rating

3 Musketeers: just a cigarette

Almond Joy: almond-flavored antidepressants, then I’d be really joyful

Mr. Goodbar: comes with a whole-ass man for me to enjoy this Halloween

Mars: hey, where did the fourth planet from the sun go?

Snickers: it’s like one of those howlers from Harry Potter but just some bitchy girls saying how bad your costume is

PayDay: ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket. I’ve got a golden twinkle in my eye

Idaho Spud: a potato, but can we talk about how there is an actual candy bar named “Idaho Spud?” I just found out about this

Aero: about as empty as a bag of Lay’s

The Spookedium’s Hauntword Puzzle

OnlyFans Announces New Family “Support Me Step-Bro” Discount

By Paul Sdeep

After constant begging from the community, OnlyFans has finally offered their models a family discount they can offer to their loved ones (I’m hoping they only mean step-family but they never specify) so their family can enjoy and take pride in their family member’s work. Children, siblings, and parents alike can now enjoy their brother, sister, dad, or mom’s art at only 50% of the cost. OnlyFans has taken the consumer market by storm with advertisements boasting trendy slogans like “Help Me Step-Brooooooo, By Subscribing at Half the Cost!” and “Step-Bro, Stooooooopppppp Paying Full Price!”

Many models are very pleased with this new discount. “My step-bro has constantly been shaming me for my profession, but he’s never even seen my work. Now maybe I can convince him to subscribe and he can see how enjoyable it is,” said Belle Delphine when asked about the discount. “We have found a massive increase in new subscribers since we’ve launched the discount and it only keeps rising!” said OnlyFans CEO, Tim Stokeley.

To be honest after more interviews with fans, models, and OnlyFans employees I was a bit surprised by the level of normalcy incest porn has achieved and asked Stokeley if he was afraid he was further encouraging this unsafe form of sexual interaction. “Well it’s funny you ask that,” he told us. “I actually feel I’m doing the opposite. By having a screen between the family members and having them sexually interact with each other that way, I’m actually preventing any actual physical sexual encounters within the family. Also if you’re not supporting those close to you, then are you actually fostering healthy and nurturing relationships with your family?” I, like you may now be, had questioned that logic to myself and thought to bring up my concerns to Stokeley, but then I realized this is a man worth 120 million dollars, so I figured he probably knew better than me.

Hocus Pocus Movie Review for the Last Time … or Maybe Not

By: PP Harding
Ok so don’t you hate it when that thing happened with those kids and then that other thing happened? Fuck Hocus Pocus and fuck those kids, man. Great, now that all the losers are gone we can have real talk. God, it’s the week of Halloween and I’m still sitting exactly where I was the second week in March: on my fat ass staring at a screen. Man, these people are making me write these fucking reviews and it was totally not at all my idea to do something so unfunny for such an extended period of time. Like, enough already. Ugh. I miss being at school. I miss getting high and eating Livi takeout. I want to be at school for Halloweekend with the sweet scent of alcohol that has been vomited up by a girl wearing lingerie and vague animal ears wafting through the air. I miss when The Medium would meet in person and all sit on each other’s laps and touch each other. Back in the good ol’ days. GOD I’d cut a bitch to get my hands on some dining hall food. Y’all can hate but it’s better than having to cook it myself so SHUT UP. Anyway, I’m sure there are only like one or two people who actually made it to this point… Want to hang out? I know there is a pandemic but we can FaceTime. If you’re interested in getting to know one another you should shoot me an email at zfox@gmail.com. I really need someone to talk to, to stay up all night with, to love, to touch. Anyways, Happy Halloween!

Point/Counterpoint: Trick or Treating

I am not going trick or treating this year. I don’t want to get Covid. Additionally, my neighbors give out revolting candy. Roger from next door is still giving away chocolate candy that he’s had from 1980. It made me throw up in my sister’s mouth once so I’m never going back there (although I think she liked it). The rest of the neighborhood is full of fucking losers. I don’t give a shit that Mark the dentist doesn’t want to give out candy because it’s bad for your teeth. He can burn in hell for not giving out a few fucking skittles on one day each year. For each little kid that rings my doorbell this Halloween, I’m taking a shot. I’ll eventually come out and throw up all over one of the little shits. Happy Halloween.

-Andrew Dennisth, uneducated and anti-social ratbag of a neighbor

I am GOING OUT and GETTING CANDY! Nothing can stop me. I’ll just wear a mask like I do every Halloween. Covid is going to make Halloween more threatening, and therefore scarier and FUN! People want to stop America from enjoying its favorite past times. Halloween makes this country great. Dressing up the prepubescent members of this country as horror movie characters is something the likes of which no other country can handle. That’s why we’re so goddamn great in the US of A. I’m 40 and I’m going to get the most candy, even more than those middle schoolers down the block. Fuck, I love freedom.

–Smith Esposito, 40-year-old virgin