5 Inventions to Thank Women For

By: PP Harding

1. The first game of Monopoly: Elizabeth Magie, “The Landlord’s Game” (1904), created 30 years before a man created the game Monopoly. A typical case of “she said a joke and a man just said it louder.” Speaking of which, why don’t you give a shoutout to our girl Rosalind Franklin? 
2. Dishwasher: Josephine Cochran (1872), of course this took a woman to invent. Why would a man try to make a woman’s life any easier? God forbid women become more and more efficient. If they’re stuck doing all the dishes by hand, they’ll have no time to complain about how they can’t get a proper education.
3. Foot pedal trash can: Lillian Gilbreth (1900s), you ever thank fucking God that you don’t have to bend down to a 45º angle to lift the lid off the trash can to throw something away? Don’t thank God, he did absolutely nothing, thank Lillian Motherfucking Gilbreth. (That’s probably her middle name, I don’t know, I’ve never met her personally).
4. The G-spot: (made up I don’t know when) I don’t know who made that up but I am a man who is really good at the sex and I STILL haven’t found this so-called “G-spot” out of all of my one and a half sexual partners so I am going to assume women made it up. Typical liars. They say they want someone who treats them like a queen and yet all nice guys finish last.                                                                (We at The Medium would like to apologize for the statement above. We are pro-women during Women’s History Month and will not stand for such sentiments. Thank you.)                                                    
5. The ice cream maker: Nancy Johnson (1843) you know that box that has been sitting in your kitchen closet/basement/garage for the past 10 years collecting dust? Yeah, a WOMAN invented that. You’re fucking welcome. Maybe this summer you’ll actually use it.

New TV To Allow Viewers to Smell What’s Happening On Screen

By: Daddy’s Favorite 

Samsung spokesperson: “We are very excited to announce that our product will revolutionize the entertainment industry.” The youknowyouwantthis TV, or YKYWTTV for short, allows the user to smell whatever they’re watching on it. For instance, you could be watching James Cameron’s Avatar and be able to smell the wonders of Pandora. Or you could rewatch your wedding video so you don’t forget what she smells like, oh god I wanna call her. Uhh, but anyway, this technology will change your life forever. Samsung plans for the release date to be the 20th of December and they hope they will sell out for Christmas. The company believes that this will be a great gift to all your loved ones, especially the ones who don’t break your heart into millions of pieces because “you drink too much.” 

We asked, how does this technology work? They replied that after many long nights and a lot of trial and error they were able to create millions of different smells that are controlled by AI. They also created a remote that when you press the “SMELL” button it instantly fills the room with whatever scent is on the screen. According to a third-party who tested the product says “this product is amazing, but please be sure to not press the ‘SMELL’ button unless you know you want the smell to emit from the movie or show that you’re watching. We had a volunteer who was watching Full Metal Jacket and pressed the magic button. The volunteer immediately started screaming “GET DOWN” and army crawling.” They later found out he was having a Vietnam flashback. 

Samsung says it was super hard (nice!) to finish the product but they believe they’ve created a whole new way to be entertained. They said the YKYWTTV idea team loved working together and that they’ll never forget their “baby” as they called it. I’ll never forget my child, I can’t see him anymore because when he was a few months old I would give him some whiskey to sleep. She demanded full custody after she left me, I see nothing wrong with what I did. My dad did that to me and look, I am totally safe to be around when driving. Anywho, live your life and buy this damn smelly TV.

Buy My Anus-Sealing Device for Great Sex

By: Lawrence Penetratore

You’re a big and strong individual. You love to be the dominant force during sex. I know what that’s like because I’m the same way. But I had a problem. When I would be engaging in the sexual activities, I’d feel a strong urge to fart. Sometimes it’s even a shart. That’s a shit fart if you don’t know. Anywho, I invented this new device to deal with this issue. It’s a vacuum sealing device you fit over your asshole. It has to be a hermetic seal to keep the pressure on your colon gases so that they aren’t released. The first time I used it I was in shock! I didn’t fart all over my partner while we were face to face. I never knew how good sex could be until I vacuum sealed my own asshole. This device can be bought from my personal collection, either used or unused, for $30. It also works to keep your poop inside of you during intercourse…if you’re really vanilla like that. I am currently working on another sex device to sell for money and clout. It’s a dirty talk translator. For example, If you ever find yourself in a sexual situation with a German person and they scream something, the device will scream to you what they said but in your native tongue. I am already banned from entering 12 countries because of my radical ideas. Please help me.