Personals- Week of November 4th

By A Fun Ghoul

Can you help wipe me? Why won’t anyone help wipe me?

You shit in a colostomy bag you moron how is anyone supposed to reach there?

What am I supposed to do now that the election is over, stop screaming with my dad at dinner?

Buddy, I’ve been yelling at my father during dinner for 15 straight years now, and I ain’t gonna stop anytime soon.

Why is my roommate still in costume from our Halloween Party?

That’s a mirror you’re staring into, king.

Is it worth fighting with the cashier at a Wegmans over an expired 50 cent off coupon for pulled pork?

That’s what you get for shopping at Wegmans and not Costco ya broke bitch.

Least favorite European ethnicity?

Do Israelis count? I’ll pick them. And it’s not because they’re Jewish, I just don’t like Gal Gadot.

When is Rutgers gonna let us back on campus :(:(

Don’t you emoji me you dumb bitch I’m the editor of the fifth most important page of Rutgers’ premiere satire magazine.

If you could kill any political figure and not suffer any consequences, who would it be?

Nice try, Mr. CIA, but I’m not falling for that one again.

If you could kill any children’s mascot and not suffer any consequences, who would it be?

I would absolutely fucking destroy the Lucky Charms Leprechaun in an unsanctioned MMA match.

What are your predictions for this Tuesday’s election?

I really don’t care. I wanted Beto O’Rourke to win because he got arrested for drinking and driving one time and I’m a pro-drunk driving constituent. There aren’t many of us, for whatever reason.

PERSONALS – WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 16TH, 2020

By A Fun Ghoul

Should I shave my balls before my doctor’s appointment?
You tell me buddy, you’re the one paying him.

What do I do if I feel peer pressure to “eat ass?”

We in the medical field call that being anally retentive.

If Mayo is a slur, then why does it taste so good?

Even the most beautiful rose must have its thorns.

How do I tell my toxic baby that I have to cut contact with them for my own mental health?

Sounds to me like you just gotta give him the old Irish Goodbye.

How to wash ass?!?

Quinn, I’m not your mom and/or parole office, so stop asking me this shit.

What should cops do to improve their public image?

Every other Friday they let a dog shoot them instead of the other way around.

How do I get more people to join my Magic the Gathering club?

More like Magic the Gaythering hahahaha get the fuck outta here nerd.

Who would you have moderate the debates between Joe Biden and Donald Trump?

Former Governor of Minnesota and professional wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura seems the most likely to threaten to kill both of them so let’s go with him.

Biden: “Can’t Accuse Me of Things I Don’t Remember Doing”

By Harry Nuttsaac

Ahead of the first presidential debate for this year, which will happen on Tuesday, September 29th between Democratic candidate and incumbent Donald Trump, the challenging candidate is attempting to improve the general public’s view of him. In a statement released yesterday, Biden sought to clarify his stand on various claims being made against him, including eight separate women who have claimed he sexually harassed them and others who say he has made racially insensitive remarks toward them or others. In the video released by Biden’s campaign, the candidate states, “Listen here, everyone. All of you can’t accuse me of things I don’t remember doing, and trust me, that sure is a lot nowadays.”

Biden’s mental fitness is something that has come under fire repeatedly in the last year with people citing many instances of rambling, losing track of his thoughts, and confusing himself for his wife. He isn’t the only one, however, as president Trump took a test that he claimed to be for those of genius IQs (it was a dementia test, that fucking idiot), and his publicity about it has since backfired. We can see the same thing happening with Biden’s statement already, as reporters at CNN asked Biden, “Is this an admission of guilt? Are you saying that you did do the things people are accusing you of?” Biden replied, “That’s a good question, you’re just about as smart as a white guy.”

Many who support Biden fear that these statements might do significant harm to his campaign, which has begun to show strength that has been lacking. Speeches that Biden made regarding the COVID-19 pandemic and Black Lives Matter protests in Kenosha County, WI, have been emotionally moving and intellectually organized, helping put to bed many of the questions about Biden’s mental fitness. However, Biden’s speech yesterday and his followup on Twitter (“Listen here, everyone. I don’t think you all really got the gist of what I was saying. To clarify, what was it that I did say?”) seem to have done some damage to his credibility and will certainly be a question in the debate three weeks out.