In Response to Snyder Cut, Steven Spielberg releases Director’s Cut of Schindler’s List

By Gary Pooper

 

Nerds everywhere have been singing high praises for Zack Synder’s 4-hour long Justice League movie, and that praise has not gone unnoticed by the Hollywood bigwigs. In an effort to save the dying film industry, movie director and alleged (by me) friend of Jeffery Epstein, Steven Spielberg, has announced the release of a Director’s Cut to his classic film, Schindler’s List. The announcement came as a shock to many, as the amount of people clamoring for Schindler’s List content is not at an all-time high in the year 2021. While Spielberg has been tight-lipped as to what this cut entails, he did reveal that this version of the film will have many more people on the list.

“Ya know, we filmed a lot of scenes that got cut in post-production. We had Rodney Dangerfield play one of the concentration camp prisoners, and he does a whole 10 minute stand-up routine about how horribly he’s been treated. I really fought for this scene to be kept in, because I thought it was important for the film to have a diverse selection of Jewish people. Unfortunately, the studio found that the test audiences weren’t big on it, so that’s why it didn’t make the theatrical release. We also cast Woody Allen in the film, and I’m sure you can figure out what went wrong there.”

Producers are currently aiming for a release date sometime this July, with the hope that this will be the feel-good movie of the summer. Could this film mark the beginning of the long-rumored Spielberg Cinematic Universe, in which Schindler, Indiana Jones, Tintin, and E.T. team up to fight the shark from Jaws? Probably not, but that won’t stop me from writing my fanfiction.

Biden Falls Down Stairs, Remembers Campaign Promises

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

Both a tragedy and a blessing occurred last Friday when President Biden repeatedly did what old men do best when walking up the stairs to Air Force One. It should not really come as a surprise to anyone that a 78-year-old man fell down the stairs the other day (it should be more of a surprise that he didn’t break like cheap china); what is surprising, though, is that Biden came away feeling better than ever. On his way up the 25 or so steps to Air Force One, Biden fell a whopping 3 times (New High Score!) and reversed some of the mental deterioration that has come with his age.

Once Biden was secure in the plane, a doctor on board diagnosed him with a concussion after all of his falls and, seemingly as a direct result, Biden seemed to be doing better. The President is said to have exclaimed, “My God, I forgot about raising the minimum wage! And protections for trans people! Holy shit, I forgot so much!” Doctors who have since met with Biden have confirmed that this sudden reversal of amnesia (the onset of which is dated sometime around November of last year) is most likely due to his fall.

As soon as Air Force One landed, Biden called for a press conference, seemingly to address how he has failed to make due on many of his campaign promises. During this conference, Biden told the country, “Listen mack, I totally forgot about so many promises I made to you guys. I now remember I said something about forgiving student loans, about de-escalating involvement in the Middle East, about involving the most left members of my party. I am incredibly sorry to you all for not having addressed these forgotten problems since I took office. Let me take this moment now to tell you my plans for the future on these topics: I am now going to choose to forget them. Get fucked.”

The Satanic Truth Behind Paramount+

By QAnon Editorial Board

 

As we watched Super Bowl LV on February 7th, 2021, we were already conflicted. We did not know whether to root for Tom Brady or not. On the one hand, it has been confirmed that Tom supported President Donald J. Trump. Through deductive reasoning, anyone with half a brain could surmise that Tom had left the Patriots because he knew Bill Bellicheck would deny the second-highest honor in the land (behind Denny’s employee of the month), the Presidential Medal of Freedom, from President Donald J. Trump. This is clear evidence that Tom would totally go down on a police officer, as any good American would. Yet, after a video was discovered of Tom kissing his son on the lips (an action that is a bit pedophile-y), theories began to circulate that Tom was a Democrat. And any good journalist knows you never question a theory. Of course, his competitor, PaTRICK Mahomes, is a known Democrat, appearing in several of the liberal propaganda outlets known as State Farm commercials (did they think we wouldn’t notice Jake from State Farm just MAGICALLY changed?).

And then, it happened. The one media outlet not controlled by the Democrats sold its soul to Satan himself. That’s right, the Paramount network. We thought the liberals wouldn’t realize President Donald J. Trump was using the glorious television network to communicate directly to the people (anyone with a QUARTER of a brain could figure this out, as the mountainous logo symbolized the beautiful American heartland of which Donald loves so dearly). For years, we received Donald’s messages through screenings of Bar Rescue, Two and A Half Men, and Marriage Rescue. Now, it would enter the Satanic industry of video streaming. It’s only a matter of time before the cable network completely disappears and the only content Paramount provides us with is the communist propaganda machine Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. We might as well start counting the days until Democrat hero Kevin Spacey gets his own series. Enjoy the Paramount network while it lasts, folks.

10 Ways to Get Rid of the Covid You Picked Up on Spring Break

By Big Baller

 

Welcome back from Florida! This spring break, there were two options: A) Stay home like 90% of the country and do perfectly enjoyable things like consuming media and eat nachos, or, B) Potentially kill people. You chose murder. Good for you! Only now, you have this bullshit fever that is completely blocking the entrance to vibe city. Here are some ways to get rid of it.

1. Eat an Arby’s Classic Roast Beef sandwich
2. Eat an Arby’s Double Roast Beef sandwich
3. Eat an Arby’s Half Pound Roast Beef sandwich
4. Listen to Hollywood’s Bleeding by Post Malone
5. Practice layups
6. Have your homie give you a serious wedgie
7. Have your homie give you a deep tissue (but still sensual) massage
8. Join a cult
9. Wear cargo shorts
10.  Stuff your cargo shorts with an Arby’s Half Pound Roast Beef sandwich

Will these things get rid of the coronavirus because they are vile or because they are dope as hell? Who knows. Who cares. Suck a dick.

University Voices: Spring Break

My Shit is Constantly Weird Colors

By Marcos Prince

 

I think the title says it all, I have never, so long as I can remember, taken two shits of the same color. They aren’t even normal colors, either. I mean, I sometimes get a brown one or something along the lines of a healthy-enough green. Usually, though, they’re pretty intense colors. You remember the Spongebob episode about Pretty Patties? Yeah, that’s what I’m working with down there. Blues, greens, reds (those are the really concerning ones) sometimes even hot pink. I once had one that looked exactly like the ooze from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and boy, would I love to know its secrets.

That’s another thing, they’re rarely the same consistency, either! Some are gooey and sticky (don’t ask) while others are hard enough to throw through someone’s window at 2 in the morning with a note taped to it that says, “Fuck you, you cheating whore! I hope you fucking choke on his massive horse cock!” I’ve tried desperately to change my diet to fix my problem: if I get a really blue shit, I cut a few dozen packs of just the blue Scooby-Doo head fruit snacks (y’know, the ones that are really opaque for some reason); one that’s really pink, I cut out gamer girl bathwater. None of it works, though, and I’ve pretty much accepted my fate to constantly go into the unknown when I step into the bathroom to drop a massive fucking deuce.

My Life as a Former Ninja Turtle

By Leonardo

 

Ooh baby, I’ve had so many fun times down in those sewers! Just me and my brothers, chillin’ out in the radioactive, dysentery-ridden sewer system of New York City. I know what you’re thinkin’ when you think of the sewers, but they’re so much betta than that! I mean, they’re just as bad, but they’ve gotta lot to offer, too. When you’re a giant fucking turtle wearing a dope-ass mask and nothing else, you can get all the free pizza you want, no pizza shop is gonna tell ya no! Not to mention that there are free rats to munch on wherever you go. Splinter sometimes gets uncomfortable, though.

Life in the sewers isn’t just all pizza and delicious gutter trash, though. Me and my brothers get to practice fuckin’ kung fu and shit all day, every day! We’re just out here, beatin’ the shit outta trash and crocodiles and any punk-ass kid that comes down wearing hockey gear and shit. We got a little carried away one time though and beat the shit outta Splinter and he fuckin’ died. We were all really down bad about that one, but then we ate him and moved on. Sometimes, you even get these really hot dames comin’ down there to explore. One time, this chick named May or something came down there and we just partied for a fuckin’ week on some fuckin’ coke some dude shat out in a condom. Then we ate her.

I Love Lawyers

By: Me goddammit 

 

So everyone on my lease wants to stiff the landlord. I get it, she is a piece of shit. Not even she would deny that. She got out of bed this morning and said to herself, “wow, it ain’t honest work, but it pays much.” Funny, right? I digress! Anywho, lawyers swoop in on the wings of a giant eagle (like the ones from Lord of the Rings) and set people straight. Now, let me be clear: I’m not talking about the seedy lawyers who try to scam and squeeze nickels and dimes when they can. They are no better than any shitty landlord themselves if they are more predatory than a starving eagle in a field full of baby hamsters. Lots of blood and guts and shit there!! No, the lawyers that deserve praise are the ones that actually help you know your ass from your elbow in the legal field. The ones who can confidently say, “yes, your landlord has been taking advantage of you. But…how didn’t you know? She charged you $50 for a pack of double-A batteries!” Then these angels of God send a nice little letter to the landlord asking politely what is going on and yada yada. So yeah, that’s my opinion. Now I’ll fill this space with other opinions. Lobsters can totally fuck up crabs in a pound-for-pound boxing match. Potatoes aren’t as great as they’re hyped up to be. “Chocolate ice cream is great, vanilla is for the borings, and strawberry is for the perverts” – John Oliver.

“Livi Wolf” by Cheezy Hamster

“Overworked Willy” by PP Harding