By: Red Pilled Alpha Giga Chad (Not a virgin)
Recently, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me it was because my idea of a proper woman was, “so sexist I literally thought you were joking until recently when you burst out laughing when I said ‘women’s rights.’” Obviously, this is not the reason. It’s just a fact that women are less smartest than men so they should stay home to take care of the children and support their husband’s eventual drug abuse and regular abuse. I told her to calm down because it was obviously just her time of the month. Apparently, this wasn’t just a normal period, it was some sort of super period because right after I said it she called me an “ignorant pig” and just walked out. I guess women just can’t understand that facts don’t care about your feelings.
I had to figure out the real reason for the breakup so I consulted the wisest man I knew, my methamphetamine dealer. For some reason, he is always high on methamphetamine when I force him to talk to me. I think it’s because his mind is on such a higher level of existence that the only way most people can understand him is when meth makes his mind less smarter. He must have been really high on meth this time because for some reason he kept saying “go away you annoying asshole,” but after knocking for around twenty minutes straight he finally opened the door. I asked him for his advice and he informed me of the existence of a being known as “The Clitoris” and advised me to find them for the answer to keeping a woman. I had never heard of “The Clitoris” before. When he heard this he let out an extremely loud chuckle and exclaimed, “holy shit does that explain a lot.” With this advice, I was determined to “The Clitoris” so all my problems with women would be solved forever.
I tried to look on the interwebs for information about The Clitoris but I could only find articles on liberal websites like Planned Parenthood. I knew I couldn’t trust the words of those godless Satanic baby-sacrificing vegans because they kept talking about the “female orgasm.” What even is that? I’m pretty sure it’s just some communist propaganda funded by George Soros because I’ve never heard or seen a woman orgasm. I tried to email Ben Shapiro but he too did not know where “The Clitoris” was. However, I was able to rule out the information from the liberal propaganda sites because he asked his wife about the female orgasm and she said it definitely did not exist and for him not to worry about it. She’s not only a doctor but a conservative doctor so I figured I could trust the information since it did not challenge my own worldview.
I was eventually able to put together that “The Clitoris” often disguised themselves with a pink hood and had something to do with watersports. I knew it was going to be difficult to find them because of all the fascist democrat politicians pushing the Coronavirus conspiracy, aka Kung Flu. Finding someone in a pink hood is hard enough but with everyone being forced to wear a mask like some kind of 1984 atheist hellscape, it would be almost impossible for me to find “The Clitoris.” I decided to go to my local mall and asking every person I saw wearing a pink hood or swimming t-shirts if they knew where “The Clitoris” was. Then some activist judge, who was probably a virgin Maoist Bernie Bro, allowed the mall to put a restraining order on me for “harassment.” God, Trump needs to hurry up packing the court systems with more unqualified and uneducated Christian conservatives than the middle school dropouts of the Mississippi public school system.
I was now left with one last option. Ask my… liberal friend. I got nauseous just typing that shit. What is more un-American than being in the opposing political party? I asked him if he could ask his girlfriend if she could show me a picture of what “The Clitoris” looks like. Do you know what this soyboy beta simp cuck said? “I don’t think she would even like you asking that question and I don’t think I would be comfortable with her showing you either.” I was so shocked. I knew about his mental illness of being a registered Democrat, but I didn’t know how far it had gone. My friend had become more pussywhipped than Joe Biden is for his puppetmaster Nancy “the second anti-christ after Hussien Obama” Pelosi.
I decided to write this opinion piece for the illustrious publication known as “The Medium” to try and find someone to help me find “The Clitoris.” If you know anything about them please email, imnotavirginaskmyuncle@gmail.com.
The Medium 