By Harry Nuttsaac
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): tequila and saltines. An Aries would love nothing more than to compete with their partner to see who could down the most shots and eat the most saltines.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): scotch and a handful of chocolate chips. You can always trust on scotch to be a kick to the head and chocolate chips to be the perfect sweet treat.
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): vodka and movie theater popcorn. They let you slip into the theater with that bottle of water, not knowing you’re gonna get shitfaced to Mortal Kombat.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): gin and garlic. Just like this pairing, you fucking suck, but at least you won’t have a hangover and no one will be able to smell that gin on your breath.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): rum and ghost peppers. A nice, fiery date night that’ll get all the juices flowing, but mostly the tears.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): margaritas and a melatonin gummy. It’s safe and boring, making sure that you’re in bed by ten because you’re a fucking baby.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): a manhattan and caviar. Ooh, bigshot libra, wants to be the fancy guy, huh? Fuck you!
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): your partner’s cum and shit. Capricorns kick it all the way up to 10, you kick it to 12 with something that is still a very loving gesture.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): a fishbowl and a pack of Chips Ahoy. You’re fun and wanna make sure there’s enough to go around. What’ll start as a date will turn into a whole bar party.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): absinthe and a brick. You go hard but are also a fucking freak of nature. God help anyone you drag down that rabbit hole.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): magic mushroom cocktails and dirt. You and your loved one will be halfway through that pile of dirt and realize that it’s not actually chocolate cake (now it’s turned into trail mix, which is just as delicious).
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): hot chocolate and pop tarts. You’re wise enough to know that pop tarts should only be enjoyed as a dessert, but a big enough manchild to drink hot chocolate with it.
The Medium 