By Gary Pooper
Nerds everywhere have been singing high praises for Zack Synder’s 4-hour long Justice League movie, and that praise has not gone unnoticed by the Hollywood bigwigs. In an effort to save the dying film industry, movie director and alleged (by me) friend of Jeffery Epstein, Steven Spielberg, has announced the release of a Director’s Cut to his classic film, Schindler’s List. The announcement came as a shock to many, as the amount of people clamoring for Schindler’s List content is not at an all-time high in the year 2021. While Spielberg has been tight-lipped as to what this cut entails, he did reveal that this version of the film will have many more people on the list.
“Ya know, we filmed a lot of scenes that got cut in post-production. We had Rodney Dangerfield play one of the concentration camp prisoners, and he does a whole 10 minute stand-up routine about how horribly he’s been treated. I really fought for this scene to be kept in, because I thought it was important for the film to have a diverse selection of Jewish people. Unfortunately, the studio found that the test audiences weren’t big on it, so that’s why it didn’t make the theatrical release. We also cast Woody Allen in the film, and I’m sure you can figure out what went wrong there.”
Producers are currently aiming for a release date sometime this July, with the hope that this will be the feel-good movie of the summer. Could this film mark the beginning of the long-rumored Spielberg Cinematic Universe, in which Schindler, Indiana Jones, Tintin, and E.T. team up to fight the shark from Jaws? Probably not, but that won’t stop me from writing my fanfiction.
The Medium 