Personals – Week of January 27th, 2021

Why can I pee without pooping but can’t poop without peeing

Don’t worry, it’s not just you. The idea that you can pee without pooping but can’t poop without peeing has tormented scientists for hundreds of millions of years as they racked their brains for answers. It just doesn’t make sense. Shouldn’t you always do both or be able to choose which you do? 

As we all know, pee, and the mechanisms that control it, are stored in the balls. Having a pouch outside your body to contain and dispose of your pee is a necessity because it would be hella gross if that stuff was inside of you. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a freak and I’m not into golden showers. Unlike pee, poop is stored inside the body. As Stephen Hawking once put it, “Having poop inside of us is the price man must pay for greatness.” It is commonly believed that poop is kept in the colon, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The colon is not for storing shit, it’s for punctuation. The false colon narrative came about from the colonoscopy procedure, but the term is actually an abbreviation for “semi-colonoscopy,” a procedure in which a doctor splits that ass open like a semi-colon splits a sentence. In actuality, shit is stored in the prostate, a fact that is instrumental in understanding why we can’t poop with the freedom we deserve.

The balls are nearly completely separate from the body, which affords them some level of autonomy. The only things that connect it to the rest of your body are the chakra lines between the testes and prostate. When the prostate becomes agitated, be it by a poop leaving or by a trusted relative, it sends good karma across those chakra lines. This makes your balls feel really good, which makes you need to pee, thus forcing you to pee when you poop.

“But what about women?” you might be wondering. Women, after all, don’t have balls or prostates, so why do they have to piss and shit at the same time. As you may remember from seventh-grade health, women are beings of pure witchcraft created by Satan to tempt men away from the Garden of Eden, and pissing and shitting is their eternal punishment for their transgressions against god.

Thank you for the fantastic question!

-Personal Lee