Volume XLVIII Issue II
BY HIPSTER J: A VALUED CONTRIBUTOR
I was a humble little cucumber from a little farm owned by Fat O’ Uncle Carl Johnson, literally. My daddy’s seed was planted in the dirt to sprout and grow as he pleased. I was one of the many fruits that my daddy gave birth to. My brothers, sisters, and I didn’t do much. We just spent our time talking about the queer looking birthmarks on our bodies and seducing each other by describing the hot and sexy pollination process that made all the juices flow through our bodies.
But more than that, we loved to talk about what it was going to be like outside of our little cucumber patch. We imagined the world as a beautiful, fun, and mysterious place. Eventually, we were going to get harvested by Fat O’ Uncle Carl Johnson, just like the rest of our neighbors. I was so looking forward to the day I was harvested because I wanted to travel the world and see all the things!
And so the day came that me and my siblings were to be harvested! We were brought into the farmhouse for washing and rinsing. I cringed when I heard the cries of discomfort as my uglier siblings with brown spots and insect wounds were disposed into the grinder. Their limp corpses were crushed down to make fertilizer for cannibalistic acts of nurturing the growth of future cucumbers like me. Sad. We were then transferred onto a huge and noisy moving object, and then we ended up in a place called Bravo Supermarket.
My siblings and I were placed in a cold area towards the back of Bravo. Hours passed and many humans passed by me and my siblings as we talked about our new experience outside our little patch. It was everything we had hoped for. The floor was beautiful, the music fun, and meat in the aisle across from us? Mysterious!
Suddenly a young looking human — chubby, blacked hair, face so disgusting beyond all reason, chinked eyed, gigantic cheeks, tiny lips, wearing colorful and baggy clothes — came to pick me up, put me in a plastic bag and brought me back to her home. It happened so quickly I didn’t even manage to say goodbye to my brothers and sisters. Welp!
TO BE CONTINUED
The Medium 