By: Throbbin Williams
In the face of recent financial struggles, Disney executives have taken to the streets selling hits of Baby Yoda to stay afloat. The media oligarch executed massive layoffs this week, canning a full 9/11’s worth of people on Monday, with 20,000 more to be booted later this month. Despite the massive cutbacks the company still has to resort to peddling The Child on street corners and in alleyways. Disney CEO Bob Chapek was spotted last night in downtown Los Angeles wearing a trench coat teeming with little baggies of the creature that made The Mandalorian a pilar in pop culture.
“Getting people hooked on Baby Yoda was my idea,” former CEO Bob Iger said, “And now that they really need the money they can cash in on the demand.”
Fans of the show have been anxiously waiting for season two to drop, watching reruns and looking at old memes to get their squishy green fix. Disney-phile adults, the least desirable group of derelicts on the planet, have been hurting extra hard.
“Look man, I just need some Child,” Star Wars buff Zachary Fawks said, “I’ll pay anything for a little more of that adorable little green guy. I’m just jonesing right now. Season one gets real stale after the 34th time.”
The company reportedly has been making a killing pushing their cute intellectual property. A baggie of ‘Child’ goes on average for $45, but some users say they’ve paid as much as $150 for a bag. At this rate, Disney may be able to keep their California park open through the pandemic.
“We really need this money, haHa!” Disney icon Mickey Mouse told us, “These chumps will pay for anything with ears on it, haHa! Seriously, we could charge people $300 to have a group of people dressed like me and the gang to kick the shit out of them, haHa! They’ll pay, they keep coming back!”
Since Disney began selling small doses of Baby Yoda their evaluation on the NYSE has climbed nearly 2 points as the wealthy scramble to get in on the latest scheme.
The Medium 