Head of Boy Scouts Explains Why Their Sexual Abuse Not That Bad

By: Cin Drariug

 

After Joe Biden blasted the Boy Scouts of America and the Catholic Church for the now over 105,00 claims of sexual abuse, the head of the BSA, Roger C. Mosby, released the following statement:

“We have mandatory youth protection training and background checks for all volunteers and staff. We have policies that prohibit one-on-one interactions between youth and adults and require that any suspected abuse is reported to law enforcement. Our volunteers and employees take youth protection extremely seriously and do their part to help keep kids safe.

“In no way is it still possible for a person to ‘Not Listen To Our Rules.’ Also, it is not possible that kids that were molested recently still feel too raw or connected to their pasts to reveal the trauma that happened to them.

“In fact, we recently started a new campaign to further reduce the remaining (non-existent) sexual assault that still occurs in the BSA. In the past five years, we have aggressively reduced our membership numbers. The fewer scouts we have, the fewer scouts we can sexually harass.  

“While we can never repair the damage caused, we can improve for the future.”

In the same conference where he addressed the abuse within the BSA and Catholic Church,  Biden talked about the recently released STD Surveillance Report that documents more than 115,000 syphilis cases, a 5 percent increase in Gonorrhea, and a 3 percent increase in Chlamydia. He said:

“STDs can come at a high cost for babies and other vulnerable populations. Come On America. We need to curb the spread. We are in this together. You know what I told the American people and that is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope that tomorrow will be brighter. We’re gonna build back better. We’re going to make America fair for people of all kinds and for people everywhere. For people in all states. Not Blue states or Red states but all of them. ”

He continued for several minutes after.

In unrelated news, the BSA and the Catholic Church announced a sponsorship deal with Trojan™ Extra Large.

Meryl Streep’s Pussy So Bad, Colin Firth Now Gay

By Harry Nuttsaac

 

During the constant stream of interviews he’s conducted for his new movie Supernova, Colin Firth revealed to fans why he kept accepting gay roles and who was to blame for it. For those unfamiliar with Firth, he is an Academy Award-winning actor (for his portrayal of King George VI in The King’s Speech) who has also taken on a considerable number of gay roles for an allegedly straight actor. One of those roles is in Supernova, in which he is half of an adorable and sad gay couple with Stanley Tucci (yes, I know he’s the pedophile from The Lovely Bones, but he makes a cute gay).

This is not the first notable role that Firth has taken on as a gay character, though, as he has previously appeared in A Single Man as George, mourning the loss of his lover and dealing with being shunned by his in-laws, and in Mamma Mia! as Harry, who had experimented with Meryl Streep’s character years before. This trend in playing gay characters was finally addressed by Firth in a new interview when he was asked if he was really gay. He then shocked everyone with this answer:

“Not many of you may know this, but I’m a very dedicated method actor, when I can, I take every step to personify the character. For Mamma Mia!, this involved sleeping with Meryl Streep 21 years before the making of the movie so as to solidify the possibility of me being her baby daddy. Unfortunately, though, Meryl’s pussy was so rancid, so horrible that I immediately realized that I must be gay. Meryl and I have talked about it over the years and it turned out she had this happen to her multiple times with Ian McKellan, Elton John, and even Anderson Cooper, so I’m starting to believe that something about her rank vagene flipped a switch in all of us.” Streep has not responded to us regarding a follow-up interview, but we at The Medium are hopeful that we can get her to tell us more about her nasty-ass cooch.

The Best Movies on Netflix DVD Right Now

By Chill Dude

 

8 Mile — Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up! Make sure to rent this in time for your sleepover after the sixth-grade dance.

Ronald Reagan Presents: The Dangers of Reefer — Famous actor Ronald Reagan gives us a masterpiece, outlining exactly what will happen if you inhale marijuana. The results are scary. Physically you will be unchanged, but your mental state will never recover after you are placed in federal prison for an unfathomable amount of time.

The Shape of Water — This movie won Best Picture at the Oscars. It’s about a woman who fucks a fish!

The Heist by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis — This album won Best Rap Album at the Grammys. Over Kanye West, Jay-Z, and Kendrick Lamar!

The Art of The Deal — The audiobook is now available over a repeating slideshow of the picture of Donald Trump playing tennis, the picture of an exhausted Donald Trump that Republicans post when they want to make it look like he did something, and the picture of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein.

The Office: Psycho Jim — In this little-known spinoff of The Office, disgruntled employee “Jim” brings a gun to work.

Kim Kardashian Sex Tape With Ray J — With Kimye officially in the books, this classic is back in demand. Unfortunately, the quality is still -480p, so you’ll have to artificially piece together Kim’s artificially constructed body.

Kanye West Sex Tape With Jeffree Star — It has arrived.

The Godfather Part III — The acclaimed third installment of the legendary franchise is now available to rent not only on DVD but also BLU-RAY DVD!!!!!!!! Get it while it’s hot.

How to Make Gloppy Jalopy

By: PP Harding

 

Wow! What a nostalgic throwback for me and my family. The flavors really pop in your mouth! It really warmed me up on a particularly cool February evening. It was the day right after my grandmother passed away – we will miss you dearly, Nana. She survived The Great Depression and World War 2, but it was the lung cancer that finally got her. Her memory will live on through this recipe that was passed down to her by her mother, and then she passed it on to my mother. Then when I was born, my mom’s neighbor stole that recipe (damn that rotten bitch, Paula). Then, my mom beat the ever-loving shit out of Paula and got the recipe back and THEN she gave it to me. So now I’m giving it to all of you.

Ingredients:

• Hot dog
• Grapefruit
• Baked beans

Instructions:

1. Heat a saucepan to medium heat
2. Throw all the ingredients into a saucepan – including the can of the beans, rine of the grapefruit, full hot dog with the works, throw ‘em in
3. Mix everything together
4. Voila!

 

The Armie Hammer Guide to Sustainable Eating

By Big Baller

 

It has been several weeks since we found out Armie Hammer is a cannibal, so this piece is no longer relevant or in demand. But it also has been several weeks since I’ve come up with anything good. Anyways, suck my balls. I’m sorry I’m sorry. What I said was, how would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison. Fuck, that didn’t make sense and wasn’t even remotely funny. Fuck. Shit. Fuckin’ hell. God fucking damnit.

Make sure your meat is farm to table — Farm to table is the latest buzz phrase in dining. Buzz phrase? Not a thing. I did it again. Fuck. Fucking cocksucker. Shit fuck. Shit. Fuckin’ shit. Son of a bitch.

Pay attention to breed — The rise of industrial farming has wiped out a large number of original livestock breeds in the United Arab Emirates. Wait, what? We live in the United States. Jesus fucking christ I’m all over the god damn map. I mean, fuckin’ hell. Get your shit together, Big. Your name is Big fuckin’ Baller for heaven’s sake. Clean it up. Let’s go.

Say no to genetically modified crops — Armie Hammer is a known vegetarian. STOP. WHAT? HE’S A FUCKIN’ CANNIBAL. What the fuck is up with you today, Big? It’s almost like you’re completely avoiding writing specific details about Armie Hammer’s cannibalism because it feels really fuckin’ weird writing specific details about cannibalism. That’s probably why I didn’t write about this shit in the first place. Why can’t I write about cannibalism? Is it because I’m a fuckin cannibal? Fuck. Son of bitch. Fuck. Looks like I’m moving to Hollywood, the only place a cannibal can live in peace these days. Whatever happened to free speech? So the Democrats can say whatever they fuckin want but I can’t shoot the shit with my cannibal buddies? Have we forgotten the first amendment? Thank god for the second amendment, the right to own a fuckin bazooka. Of course we canceled Armie. Just a hard-working American trying to get some affordable nutrition. In a god damn pandemic.

I Always Lose Playing Video Games and it Fucking Sucks

By Johnny D. Ghost

 

For those unaware, there is an epidemic going on in the video gaming community, making it completely impossible to win any games at all, unless you’re a dirty fucking cheater and you fucking suck, and that epidemic is mouse and keyboard users. If you’re a mouse and keyboard user, you are inherently using hacks by playing with a different type of controller, I hope you know that because I’m going to report you because that’s not cool. The only difference between mouse and keyboard and regular console users is that they use mouse and keyboard instead of our controller, but that’s cheating because some of them are really good, so good they can even beat me which is impossible.

Me and my friends are always on Call of Duty and we’re all really good, especially me, I’m so awesome, and we encounter a lot of these assholes and cheaters. It’s gotten so bad, none of my friends want to play with me even when I see that they’re on and playing, poor guys. It fucking sucks, but it’s not so bad, I just go ahead and play some Assassin’s Creed instead, I’m really good at all of them, I’m like a real assassin, but sometimes I encounter mouse and keyboard users in there as well, especially the main bosses, those guys are really good at cheating, too.

University Voices: Mommy and Daddy Issues

Let Me Go Back When Completing Online Exams

By: Me and the entire goddamn student body

 

Let me be frank. I took an exam today and I think I did fairly well. But you know what grinds my little gears? You know what blows my stack? You know what is the pet to my fucking peeve? I’ll tell you! Once I answer a question, I am not allowed to go back. I hit “continue” and that’s that! A few questions later you realize you got it wrong? Too bad, you might as well try and resurrect John Lennon from the underworld because you’re shit out of luck. Why is this the new normal? I’ll wear a mask because I’m not stupid. I’ll sanitize my hands after I touch each piece of produce in Shoprite. I even put on gloves when eating wings at the bar cause I am crazy. But I can’t go back and review my answers after I finish an exam? What has the world come to?! I suggest Canvas and Rutgers collaborate in secret like JFK and the USSR when they ended the Cuban missile crisis because this is of the same magnitude. In fact, it might be a bigger deal than that. So, that’s the end of my rant. I don’t know what else to say here with this extra space. People shouldn’t do drugs. I haven’t used a printer in a while. Watermelons are too big. There, take some opinions.

Tiger Woods Needs a Self-Driving Car

By: Elon Musk

 

Hey it’s me, everyone’s favorite South African, Elon Musk! That makes me African American, right? No? Whatever, screw you. So, here’s my latest hot take: Tiger Woods needs a Tesla! It’s clear that he cannot be trusted behind the wheel. I’m not even saying that he can’t hold his liquor. That only caused him to have problems once or twice or something. I don’t know, you think I do my research on the people I have opinions about? I have some interns do it for me and I pay them 0.0000003 bitcoin, a.k.a. 400 dogecoin. Back to my point. Mr. Woods clearly has no idea how to drive. Not drive like golfing-wise, but yanno, like big boy on the road cruising with the caddie there giving him road head driving. So here’s a solution: he can buy a bunch of Teslas from me and I can make a lot of money in the process. It also keeps him and everyone safe the next time he feels like careening down the side of a mountain. Think of it this way: I’m saving his golf career, too! If the Tiger doesn’t lose a leg, it’s cause my fleet of self-driving sexys protected him. As a fellow African American, Woods and I truly understand that…you know, I lost my train of thought. I don’t remember what I was thinking. I think I’ll go back to inflating some worthless stock through Twitter. To the moon, virgins! Hurrah!

“Grandpa! You Forgot Your Clothes” by Cin Drariug