Rutgers Rebrand SAS to SOS

By: James Terri

Shortly after its first week of classes for the Spring 2024 semester, Rutgers University President, and unlikely felon (We don’t know for sure), Jonathan Scott Holloway made an announcement at a dinner hosted by the popular artificial intelligence firm OpenAI. The institution would be renaming its most recognizable college from the School of Arts and Sciences (SAS) to simply the School of Sciences (SOS).

“Looking at the trends, it simply makes no sense to continue offering an education in the arts.” Holloway explained to the crowd of insufferable tech bros in attendance, many of whom were too absorbed to actually pay attention from arguing about who stole whose idea of a brilliant new web3 social media platform. “Anything an artist can do – whether it be drawing, animating, composing, or writing funny satirical news can be done much easier and cheaper by just making a robot to do it. Besides, you can legally kill a robot if it claims to have had sex with you.”

To kick off their new direction, the university celebrated the very
real and necessary holiday “Lego Day”, with the official Instagram account posted poorly rendered photos of famous Rutgers iconography recreated with Legos, with the caption “It’s Lego Day! (AI generated images…duh)”

The following day, the account announced a one-hour contest in which participants were tasked with “drawing” a new logo for the school. Some of the submissions included recognizable children’s cartoon characters piloting an airplane towards various U.S. landmarks, those same characters wielding firearms, and explicit pornography of President
Holloway with various anime characters. The contest was suspended not even ten minutes following its unveiling.

“That idea’s goofy as fuck,” said newly displaced SOS animation major, Joli Masada when asked for her opinion. She further elaborated, adding “That shit gives me the ICCCKKK! ‘Artificial intelligence’? More like, FARTificial intelligence!” before she skateboarded off down College Ave into the sunset.

“I actually think it’s a great idea.” opined one engineering student dressed in a black and white fox costume, who wished to remain anonymous. “Now I can indulge in all the grotesquely niche pornography I want. And all without paying a starving X (the platform formerly (and better) known as Twitter) artist’s medical bills? I wish it happened sooner!”

Please Help With Rutgers’ Turkey Problem

By: Anonymous Rutgers Administrator

Shhh! Keep this on the down low! I am a high-ranking administrator here at RU. I need your help. There’s been a situation on campus. Nobody has been looking after the farm on Cook because campus is empty. In our absence, Reginald the farmer has gone out of control with breeding Thanksgiving turkeys. Last night the turkeys organized a large rebellion and pecked Reginald to death. They then broke out of their enclosure, and I mean all 472 of these turkeys are now roaming the campuses. The geese are afraid to come out as a result, and the entire ecosystem has been disrupted. What I need is for all the students reading this to come to RU and help make these turkeys disappear. Bring them home for dinner, mail them to Siberia, tie them to hot air balloons and release them over the ocean, I don’t care. If I can’t fix this problem in the next 48 hours, I’m majorly fucked. If you’re really a bunch of Scarlet Knights, then you won’t mind getting a little scarlet on your clothes to help a brother out. Seriously. Also, we need to figure out what to do about Reginald. His boss is gonna be here later today and I can’t turn another person into Wendy’s Baconators or else they’ll get suspicious. I know that this student body can think of a solution before these Thanksgiving turkeys wreak total havoc on our way of life.