By: Anonymous Rutgers Administrator
Shhh! Keep this on the down low! I am a high-ranking administrator here at RU. I need your help. There’s been a situation on campus. Nobody has been looking after the farm on Cook because campus is empty. In our absence, Reginald the farmer has gone out of control with breeding Thanksgiving turkeys. Last night the turkeys organized a large rebellion and pecked Reginald to death. They then broke out of their enclosure, and I mean all 472 of these turkeys are now roaming the campuses. The geese are afraid to come out as a result, and the entire ecosystem has been disrupted. What I need is for all the students reading this to come to RU and help make these turkeys disappear. Bring them home for dinner, mail them to Siberia, tie them to hot air balloons and release them over the ocean, I don’t care. If I can’t fix this problem in the next 48 hours, I’m majorly fucked. If you’re really a bunch of Scarlet Knights, then you won’t mind getting a little scarlet on your clothes to help a brother out. Seriously. Also, we need to figure out what to do about Reginald. His boss is gonna be here later today and I can’t turn another person into Wendy’s Baconators or else they’ll get suspicious. I know that this student body can think of a solution before these Thanksgiving turkeys wreak total havoc on our way of life.
The Medium 