Dear Kelly,
I desperately wanna get hit by the LX so my tuition is free. What are some good locations where I can get hit “accidentally” so this can happen?
From,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
To be honest, I’m right there with you. I didn’t expect this semester to go downhill so fast. I suggest waiting till after 7:00 on any given day on College Avenue, right in front of Scott Hall. There’s one LX driver who doesn’t give a single fuck. You fall over while standing? Fuck you and fuck anybody who you fall onto. Kamikaze tenpin those motherfuckers.
Maybe if you slip her an extra fifty, she’ll do you a favor and run your ass over. Also, why only the LX? Just fling yourself in front of any bus; odds are they suffer from as much exorbitant overcrowding, ridiculous underfunding, and masochistic lane stragglers as any given LX line.
You could also get a skateboard, without actually learning how to skateboard. Then, you have to go as fast as you can near the curb at a bus stop. There’s a single moment before the bus pulls into the stop; you must yeet yourself off the skateboard and onto the road. If you get hit and die, you’ve gotten lucky. You get to experience the sweet release of death, that eternal dust nap you’ve clamored for since the 13-14 billion odd years before you were born.
If you live, you better hope that the legend of free tuition is true because that fucking hospital bill is going to fuck you sideways and in the ass. You think this is one of those Eurasian systems where Mommy and Daddy Government are doling out unrealistic freebie asspats like universal health coverage, or not leaving you to rot in the street if you don’t have that Cigna card handy? In the free, great, and prosperous U S of A? Fuck out of here.
Warmest Regards,
Kelly
The Medium 