Monday was the annual Homecoming / RUPA / Greek Week Bonfire, which ended tragically when the fire got out of hand! Taking in the sweet air of Busch Campus feeding the flames of the freshly lit enferno! Quickly it rose to the skies and shot into the unexpecting crowd catching hold of three unaware students, ending their short lives. BUT, which life would have been most worth saving? We have them RANKED!
3. Kevin Wei: Coming in at number three is Kevin. Kevin was standing with his girlfriend Sarah when the fire sprang forward and caused his leg hair and fingers to catch fire. He burned slowly and painfully, but he was only a 3.30 GPA in Pharmacy, so lucky for you there are two people we will miss more!
2. Anderson Jetson: Number 2 is your boy Anderson. He was dancing to Silento, which was being played by a car passing by, when the breath of the Devil came flying through the air, attaching to the poor boy’s skin and turning him into a human roast. Goddamn. But you only had one class with Anderson, it was two semesters ago? Right? General Psych? He sat three seats down, but doesn’t compare to our #1 pick.
1. Monica Wells: Our number one life lost is the one and only Monica, who helped you get a B in Collective Bargaining last semester. You didn’t do any of the readings, didn’t watch any of the movies. But fuck, Monica helped you pull one out of your ass didn’t she? You will miss her every Wednesday afternoon from 6-8pm, but other than that you’ll be just fine.
Sara V; daughter to Rand Paul and Mother to liberty;
Sara was Serbian, but we call her French Sarah because we were ignorant.
According to the Medium staff, she is the first Serbian to ever actually come to America. She’s also the first Serbian ever go to college!
She was not merely adopted by Serbia, she was born in Serbia, molded by it. She didn’t see the light of America until she was already a woman, but by then it was nothing to her.
Sara left Serbia during an coupe de tat and after getting all the way to France from Serbia, she decided to come to America. She quickly dominated the staff of The Medium and had all members eating out of her liberal hands before we could even pronounce her name.
Her tenure in America was tragically cut short during a feminist Yes Means Yes protest, because she yessed too hard. She leaves behind a hamster named Gloria Steinem and a packets of Russian permafrost.
Joseph E, 22, recently died in a tragic crossfit accident. Joe will be survived by his life partner J.S. Hallman, his 83-year old best friend Vince and his massive collection of oversized Polo shirts. The former aide to Hilary Clinton was known for being socially oblivious but politically brilliant, suggesting to the candidate that social networking was no longer a viable aspect of campaign strategy. His friendship with Bill Clinton was particularly legendary. Paparazzi often caught the two of them enjoying back alley lizard fights.
He won’t be missed at The Medium since he was always too weird for us anyway.
Joe was known for his love of writing obnoxiously old-fashioned love letters and pooping in bathrooms in Alexander Library, using the novels to wipe.
Eli Y died last night after former sisters of AXO finally figured out that they sent their hate email to the wrong email address. Three years of burning hate fire grew…grew..grew…too the point where the sisters couldn’t take it anymore and had to seek revenge on the poor motherfucker. Known for his laziness, lists, love of wine and all things associated with “life” Eli was internally drowned with melted cheese, Franzia and his own tears. Some people know Eli right? He went here for 4 years. Has glasses. He is currently wearing grey.
Slowly he cried, as the man who rarely showed emotion except for intense hatred and furious anger when people brought up “meme” humor or took too long to make speeches, Eli thought of everything he would never see again. Never again would Eli see cute picture of cats, bunnies, even deer. Never again would Eli think of random numbers associated with nothing. Think this sounds sad? It is, which only made Eli cry more, decreasing his lifespan with every second.
Eli’s highlight of his time at Rutgers is actually unknown, as during his sophomore year he went missing. Not on College Ave, Not Livingston, definitely not Cook! Possibly Busch in the LSM basement which has since been closed off to students. Was it something Eli did down there? We didn’t want to ask because frankly, we don’t care.
Kaitlin R passed suddenly after a horrible accident at Coachella, involving her pet hermit crab, Patrick. After a huge battle over Patrick’s fringed vest with another guest, Kaitlin was knocked unconscious. Who knows the real cause of this death match?
Was it the overwhelming beauty of the homemade vest which was actually cut to pieces, or was it jealousy for Kaitlin’s recently attained high level of Cat Power on Buzzfeed? Her hermit crab tried his best to revive her, unfortunately, he was unsuccessful and Kaitlin, our dear tree-hugging, flower-eating friend died.
Kaitlin has been a well loved member at The Medium and poor little Patrick will be lucky if he can survive this trying time. He may be the only person that misses her more than her best buddies at The Medium. If Patty makes it, please send hotdogs in honor of Kaitlin’s love of Rutgers’ annual hotdog day, in lieu of flowers.
Lesly K faced a tragic death after eating free pizza that had been poisoned.
Lesly was confronted with her horrible demise in Olive Branch bar last Wednesday.
The man she had grown so close to and referred to as “Staff“ betrayed her by sprinkling some poison on her pizza after growing tired of her only coming in for free food and repeatedly shouting “STAFF!” as loud as she could.
Lesly, a champion on the color guard team, has also moved up in The Medium, mainly securing her position through her skills to seek out all the free food events on campus and occasionally “stealing” it for meetings, giving her instant popularity. She will be missed at The Medium; members have been saddened by her passing and are questioning the source of their next pizza.
Lesly wishes that a collection of Human Centipede tapes be sent to her parakeet, Kurt in lieu of flowers. A funeral service will be held at Brower Commons, Lesly’s favorite place on Earth, where she was always a loyal customer and where she spent her happiest times.
Michelle, the secret love child between Lady Gaga and a werewolf, has tragically been found dead in Passion Puddle this morning.
Michelle was known for her quiet demeanor during the day time and rowdy behavior in the night. This can be described by her werewolf blood as well as the fact that she came from south Jersey.
Described by friends as “I guess she’s okay” and “She’s the one with the brownies right?”, Michelle proves to be a vital part of the Rutgers community.
During her time she served as secretary for The Medium taking upon the dreaded task of trying to censor her peers but always failing. It’s the effort that counts.
Speaking of effort, Michelle had put a lot of effort into other things besides schoolwork.Michelle was also a part of the drinking team at Olive Branch.
Her official team name was “Thuggin Chugger” and her family as requested that she be remembered as such.
Her legacy will be remembered within the Olive Branch and their community of drinks and pizza. Michelle will be buried 6 feet under the Sears parking lot. A ceremony and burial will be held in said parking lot and the family requests only cats show up.