Walter Kronkite Jr.
Part of the Family
WAUKEE, IA— As Juancho Gutierrez rounded the bases after socking a walk-off home run, team Santeria encircled home plate and prayed to the Yoruba dieties in thanks of winning the first inaugural inter-cult softball league title.
The Cuban Santerians, who appease the gods by allowing the bloods of sacrificed animals to flow onto the sacred stones of the santero, defeated the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo, an alt-terrorist doomsday group that wreaks havoc on the Japanese subway system, 7-6 on Sunday.
Cult leaders across the world called for a softball league after complaining they were being blackballed by religious, cult-lite softball leagues.
“It’s time cults had a league of their own,” said team manager and Santero priest Pedro ‘Jobu’ Cerrano through a translator. “To be champions in the first year is humbling, and it is sure to please the orishas we aim to satisfy with ritualistic offerings.”
The Cuban team mowed down the competition to make the final best-of-three series, as it only faced all-white, American cults.
“These white boys just focus on mass suicide, man,” said Gutierrez. “They gotta focus on the game. We had to fight off the Castro regime to make it here and stave off evil spirits to make it here. We’re focused.”
The Santerians won in two, but the last game was tight. After going back-and-forth, the Afro-Cuban lucumis dances finally paid off.
“Our prayers were answered,” said Cerrano. “We were finally able to hit curveballs. Gutierrez came out to some Sublime music, he was dialed in–you should have listened to that crowd. He got a hold of that curveball and destroyed it like our god of war and iron, Ogun.”
After a successful first season, the inter-cult league will be back next season. Scientologists, who were not invited to this year’s tournament, will vie for a spot again next year.