By Flick Booger
SHI(t) Stadium – Rutgers vs. Boston College. But it was not that kind of fight night. During the second quarter of Saturday’s game, Rutger QB, Artur Standkowski threw a deep line drive to some random wide receiver for a touchdown. (While a measly effort was made to identify the wide receiver, the Medium Sports team has decided that the name is probably irrelevant given he will probably not make it to the NFL). It was time for celebration both on and off the field. The hundred or so freshman that have yet to realize that no one actually stays past the first quarter rejoiced with a non-alcoholic orange juice. On the field however, was a different story. A Rutgers Offensive Lineman (Again, an effort was made. Alas, no point in mentioning a name) clocked the Rutgers QB right on the left side of his temple. While the motive was unknown, inside sources claim that the OL wanted to knock some sense into the failing QB. Many media outlets covered the hit, including Bleacher Report and ESPN.
After the field goal kick, it was reported a fight broke out on the sidelines of Rutgers. In normal football games, fights usually break out against opposing teams either due to a conflict of interest or a bad call. However, those reading this must be considerate of the fact that this is Rutgers football, the alleged birthplace of college football. What transpired was a story to remember. While sitting down and listening to the defensive coordinator, the OL in question was met with a hit, this time from none other than Rutgers’ highest paid employee/failure as a coach, Chris Ash. Apparently, Coach Ash was enraged with the fact that the OL dared to even touch Sitkowski. Last year, Ash made a huge campaign and wasted the funds of even more Rutgers students’ tuition in order to recruit the QB from the prestigious IMG Academy – he was not going to allow some OL from Beavertown, NJ deter him from this program.
Slowly, yet surely, the brawl escalated. Coordinator followed by coordinator, offense followed by defense, the benches cleared out. It was all out war. The fight lasted about two minutes, but the injuries will for sure last a lifetime. All in all, the brave Rutgers EMS squad showed up in their four ambulances to treat the 50-member squad. Some players vowed to quit the program, but recanted their threat after realizing that they would be losing not only their scholarship, but also free housing, free food, a multi-million dollar training facility, “passing” grades, and Barchi’s personal protection. As a result of the brawl, the Rutgers Athletic Dept. announced that the football team will lose all their games on purpose this season. Sure…”on purpose”.