Tag Archives: Starbucks

Re-opening of Starbucks Attracts Unusual Customers

By Mike Hawk
Pelvis Safety Officer

NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday was greeted by a grand re-opening of the Starbucks located at The Yard. Many have long awaited the opening as they had to resort to Panera for their regular dose of coffee. Some of you may be wondering why the Starbucks closed down in the first place. It turns out that Starbucks has a diversity quota to fill for their customers and they weren’t receiving enough support from the black community.

With the recent release of Black Panther and the overwhelming support it received, Starbucks decided it was the right moment to
make a comeback at the prime real estate location that is the Scott
Hall bus stop. This combined with the added bonus of it being black
history month would surely allow for the coffee shop to meet their
ever so daunting diversity quota.

Once the store opened, tons of customers flooded the shop with many old and some new faces. We spoke with the manager about how he thought business was going and he had this to say. “Business has been booming my dude! It definitely looks like we’ll be hitting our diversity goals this year which is great because I’m still on probation with corporate for racy comments and this will surely make me look great! Man, the blacks sure do love their coffee! I might just get a raise out of this!”

The manager could barely contain his excitement. We’re unsure how long this increased traffic towards the coffee shop will last but if one thing is for sure, it looks like it will be staying open for a long time.

How to Walk

BY GRIND ALL

Since there seems to be some confusion universally of how to walk properly in a social setting I figured I’d create a handy little how to guide for all of you out there who can’t just get that darned walking thing down!

1. Waddle: That one foot in front of the other bullshit is not efficient in the slightest. Seriously, just channel your internal penguin and waddle down the fucking side walk.

2. Look at your phone: Phone’s have maps right? So I mean there is literally no reason for you to ever pop your head up to look if you’re going to run into someone. If people are really that concerned they can move around YOU!

3. Stand in a doorway when you arrive deciding whether to go in or not: Let’s be honest it’s hard to see what bus is arriving when you’re standing inside one of the student centers. Instead of walking outside for two seconds to check or looking at your phone just stand in the doorway and try to figure out whether that is your bus or not. Make sure to squint really hard to everyone around you knows what you’re doing.

4. Multitask: Drink your coffee, text your significant other, listen to music, and try to snap chat at the same time. No one will care that you’re barely even moving on a sidewalk of 100+ people. They understand how important YOU are.

HAPPY WALKING!

English Major Pens Beautifully Written Burger King Application

BY Ned Flanders
Dating DTS’s Sister

PISCATAWAY — Graduation is just two short months away, which means it’s time for English majors to decide what they want to be when they grow up. For some, it’s a teacher. For some, it’s a stripper, or perhaps an alcoholic. But Angelica Vikander can’t be held down by stereotypes. Angelica strives to become a Burger King employee.bk

On Saturday, Angelica made the most important decision of her young life: applying to the Burger King Fast-Food Emporium Extraordinaire (as she likes to call it) in the Busch Student Center in Piscataway. As witnesses account, she confidently strolled in, asked for an application, and promptly began filling it out at a nearby table.

“Most people take under five minutes to complete the application. After about fifteen minutes I saw Ms. Vikander pull out some more paper, so I thought she was doing homework and forgot about Burger King like most people do. Then she came back three hours later and handed me a stack of papers. I was very confused,” Burger King Manager Leonardo DiScorpio explained, happy to be holding his new gold crown for finally winning the Best Manager award he so rightfully deserves. “She wrote an essay about Burger King! The other managers thought I was high when I told them. But damn if it wasn’t the most enchanting thing I’ve ever read.”

Fellow English majors are in awe of her high expectations for herself, and frankly, they can’t help but feel a tad envious of her. After all, it wasn’t easy for her to achieve that 3.95 GPA while doing all of her studying for the semester during happy hour at Olive Branch. Word spread quickly among Rutgers students about Angelica’s stunning application. “Angie is such a bitch. She tries to look so much better than the rest of us even though she drinks just as much as we do. I love her so much,” claims her best friend, Kate Letswin.

Angelica’s Burger King application (now referred to as “The Gift”) has been distributed to all of the Burger King managers as an example. “I didn’t understand what most of the words meant, but I couldn’t help but cry a little when I read the part about her loving the stove and grill like a family,” stated Burger King Executive Mike Bassfender.

The essay was filled with phrases such as “energetically aspirational,” “communicative management,” and “very desperate,” to describe Angelica and the ways she was going to “make Burger King great again”. Some are saying Angelica’s enticing composition is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature of all time, even compared to revered classics such as Captain Underpants, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, and The Kama Sutra.

“The essay was so incredible, I thought that just maybe this young lady was actually a competent person who didn’t realize she was applying to a Burger King. We can’t have our food coming out quickly, correctly, or with a smile, so I had no choice. I didn’t hire her,” DiScorpio muttered while finishing a box of Girl Scout cookies.

“Yeah, I was pretty pissed off when I heard I didn’t get my dream job. I guess it happens to most of us,” Angelica explained. “But I spent three hours on it, which is harder than I’ve worked on anything in my whole life.
Oh well. I guess I’ll go to my second choice, Starbucks, and tell them in a three-thousand-word story about how I spiked their coffees to get me through college.”

Secret Holiday Starbucks Drinks

BY Grind All

19starbucks2-web-master675So we all know that Starbucks is a sneaky bitch and has a million flavors they don’t feel like telling us about, especially during the holiday season. Sure, they advertise things like peppermint mocha and caramel brulee but we at The Medium did some digging and were able to find more.

Hitler Latte: Alright so everyone is freaking out that Starbucks hates Christmas and the Christians but honestly they hate everyone, they’re just not as public about everyone else. I mean a Hitler Latte? That’s pretty bad but Starbucks is a company that believes in EQUAL discrimination, which cancels out all the badness! So everyone needs to stop freaking out about this shit.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of Peppermint, 3 shots of the blood of the Jewish

Disappointment to Your Parents Cappuccino: Going home for the holidays sucks mostly because—let’s be honest—you are a disappointment to your parents. I mean they put all this money into your college and you are flunking all of your classes and spending your time getting drunk and sleeping with some idiot named Chad. So before you go home please do yourself a favor and pick up this drink. It tastes just like the disappointment your parents are bound to taste the second they look at you.

Ingredients: Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of vanilla, 2 shots of caramel, 1 shot of failure (the barista will ask you for this but don’t worry if you’re ordering this you have it)

Drunk Grandma Macchiato: Every family has one. You’re enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate and your grandma all of the sudden has had one too many and is being drunk and racist and sexist and everything terrible you can be. How did she even get this drunk? Is it because she’s like a million years old and has no tolerance or is she just so old that no one even pays attention to her drinking habits? Either way she’s slammed and you’re feeling left out. Also it’s fucking hell dealing with her when you’re sober so please pick up this drink if you know you’re going to have to deal with something like this.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 1 shot of vanilla, 5 shots of Jameson (They have it trust me. They’ll say “we don’t serve alcohol” but just say “DRUNK RACIST GRANDMA” and they’ll get you that Jameson for sure.)

That Black People Holiday Coffee: Black people have a holiday at this time right? Is it real? I don’t know and apparently Starbucks doesn’t either. Or they actually have a name for this but everyone just calls it this. I’m not sure. So if you’re black you should get this or if you’re celebrating the holidays with your black friend pick this up so you can seem “multicultural” and “inclusive” instead of “ignorant” and “stereotyping-just-because-we’re-black-doesn’t-mean-we-celebrate-the-black-people-holiday”.

Ingredients: Black coffee with a festive shot of “equal” rights

Rutgers Track Team, seeking to end racism, launches new campaign

BY Shreg Giano

"white chocolate? why not dark chocolate!? you bigot!"                                                               #RaceTogether is already picking up steam even before its official unveiling, gaining monetary support from corporate sponsors such as Starbucks. One can only assume Starbucks is in it to break racial barriers and not to gain minority customers or get positive media attention. Of course.
“white chocolate? why not dark chocolate!? you bigot!” #RaceTogether is already picking up steam even before its official unveiling, gaining monetary support from corporate sponsors such as Starbucks. One can only assume Starbucks is in it to break racial barriers and not to gain minority customers or get positive media attention. Of course.

PISCATAWAY— Rutgers Men’s and Women’s track teams are launching a new campaign that they will begin implementing immediately. The campaign, given the name #RaceTogether, involves pairing a runner of any racial background with a partner that is of African-American descent. The goal of the program is more or less to facilitate conversations about race between the partners.

“This campaign is going to catalyze the breakdown of racial barriers and bring together our student-athletes in ways that never before seemed possible. Our boys and girls will hugely benefit from participating in #RaceTogether,” assistant Men’s track coach Mark Harris expressed to reporters. “We have to get comfortable addressing that racism still exists in our world before we can change it and we hope that this is the first of many steps in doing so.”

“Are you guys fucking brainless?” Men’s 100M sprinter Isaiah Jones asked of members of the media. “This campaign has nothing to do with facilitating discussion about racial equality. This has one major purpose: to pair slow-ass white people with fast black people who push them to run faster. That’s it. They’re not helping us discuss the past oppression of our people or the modern day issues facing African-Americans. In fact, they’re using us for their own gains and trying desperately and pathetically to garner positive media attention. Please, God, don’t give them any credit for this!”

Women’s distance runner Samantha Springer echoed the sentiments of Jones, questioning “how anyone could possibly focus on a thoughtful conversation about racial inequality, one of the biggest problems facing the world, while running furiously? Maybe, like, discussing it over a cup of coffee would be better? Yeah, I think that could work.”

“There will always be doubters,” athletic director Julie Hermann proclaimed at her press conference, “but if we have an opportunity to help get the conversation going on racism while also making white people run faster, it’s a win-win if you ask me.”