NEW YORK— Baseball has made its return, and dads everywhere are losing their damn minds.
Liquor stores across the country are experiencing light beer shortages across the country and Home Depot has tripled last year’s revenue off grill sales and outdoor projector set ups alone. Local supermarket clerk Barbara Reed, 32, said “The store has been full of middle aged men buying red meat, wings, and beer and arguing with each other over which pitcher is better. I’ve never seen so many in one place before.”
Stadiums have been packed with men who should be at work and boys who should be in school since opening day. Citi Field was entirely full, with over 41,000 people attending the game, with an estimated 21,000 of those participants missing lessons in school that are integral to their academic success. Local teen Brandon Grosmen said “My dad took me to the Yankees game which was cool, but I missed a review for a really big history test and picture day. I guess it was worth it to see the game.”
The Yankees went on to lose the game to the Houston Astros 8-1 in the game where Brett Gardner tore his ACL sliding into second base. He won’t return to play this season.
Highways entering major cities have been backed up for miles before games after stadiums established DUI checkpoints every quarter mile. An unnamed Citi Field “The stadium said they want the check points coming in to prevent drunk driving and disorderly fans, but they’re really just doing it so people have to pay for stadium beers. No one can watch baseball sober with their kids and the stadium know it.”