Secretly a Jew
PISCATAWAY—This past Monday sophomore Krissy Mansfield attended her Jewish friend Shoshana Goldman-Silverstein’s Passover Seder on Monday night and boy did she not know what she was in for.
“I expected it to be kind of like Easter, without the whole Jesus coming back to life part. I’m cultured, I know Jesus is Jewish,” said Mansfield.
Upon arriving at Shoshana’s house she witnessed the beginning of the festivities. The started the night with a glass of Manischewitz–which was a Godsend since for alcohol that actually tastes good.
Then the real pain started.”They started reading from this little book for like a good two hours. I’m pretty sure this holiday is sponsored by a literacy organization or something because there was SO MUCH READING,” exclaimed Mansfield.
Things started to pick when they mentioned a burning bush and weren’t referring to a UTI, but it went downhill from there. After the burning bush the story moved to the Jewish slaves asking to be freed from the Pharaoh, but because Jews can never make it easy, it kept on going.
“Okay, I guess the Jewish slaves had a hard time, but I did too. I was sitting between a pervy grandpa and a pubescent 13-year-old boy still on an ego trip from his Bar Mitzvah. He thought he could ‘have me,'” she winced.
The most unbearable part proved to be the point the family made the youngest kid, a 5-year-old, read four lines in Hebrew. Poor little Sarah Goldman couldn’t read yet, so it took about 30 minutes to sound out the first word. The whole experience reportedly made Mansfield glad that Christians only speak in one language.
By the time the table got to the second cup of wine, Mansfield was ready to get wasted. Unfortunately the Goldman-Silverman family started eating raw horseradish and dipping some weeds in saltwater. Apparently this was to remind them of the tears of the Jewish slaves. It got worse when Mansfield ate the whole dish of parsley and chugged the tears of all of the Jews because she was starving.
“I was going to dinner!” said Mansfield. “I didn’t think I needed to eat beforehand!”
Finally, the matzah ball soup was brought out, a true staple in Jewish households. Luckily for all involved, Mrs. Goldman-Silverstein’s balls were delicious. Then it was onto the third cup of wine. After which the table opened the front door for Elijah which is where Mansfield lost it.
“No one was at the door, so I don’t know if it was actually a Jewish ritual, or everyone was just really drunk,” she said. “This is so fucking weird.”
Overall, Mansfield learned that Passover is really just an extremely long night with a lot of sitting around on an empty stomach, listening to people mumble in Hebrew and complain in English. Mansfield ended by saying that the highlight of the night was Mrs. Goldman-Silverstein’s soup was definitely the highlight, besides getting drunk and getting hit on by a pubescent teen who she realized would probably be her future congressman.
Does the Right Thing
NEW BRUNSWICK—The unseasonably warm weather has cheered up many students who have been struggling through midterms this week. Some students have taken the opportunity to go outside, enjoy some fresh air, and frolic among the many construction sites on campus.
“I love the smell of sunshine and fresh air,” says freshman biology major Catherine Barnett. She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath of fresh air, all whilst standing on top of a mound of dirt on Busch campus surrounded by chain link fence and orange cones. “I am in love with this weather. The breeze feels lovely and it’s finally warm. It feels like spring!”
As the gentle breeze blew a fine, red-brown layer of dust from the incomplete construction project into Barnett’s hair, she pranced over to go and climb a nearby JCB tractor. According to Barnett, climbing trees has always been one of her favorite springtime activities. However, on a day as nice as this, she would happily settle for some heavy machinery that isn’t being used to construct anything.
“It’s supposed to be nice all week,” Barnett says, tapping her shoes together to knock off the thin layer of caked on clay. “I’ll probably be out here with friends all week! Tomorrow, we’re going to throw the frisbee around all those industrial pumps and piping equipment. I can’t wait!”
All over campus, students are sharing similar stories of warm-weather joy while they play on unused construction equipment. Rutgers planning officials are optimistic that the construction sites will be around for students to enjoy for years to come.
BY Latin Mama
Pro Head Bobber
NEW BRUNSWICK—With the start of the spring season, University officials announced on Monday their plans to install a new cooling system in anticipation of the warmer days to come.
The state-of-the art system, designed by faculty in the School of Engineering, uses the Busch cogeneration plant as part of a high-powered refrigerator. Head of Maintenance Bill Trucco detailed the revolutionary system in an exclusive interview with The Medium.
“Well, ya see, we here at Rutgers are always aiming to offset good ‘ol Mother Nature. So when it’s, let’s say, 80°F outside, we like to set the classrooms to a comfortable 32°F,” he explained. “We are confident that that these new cooling systems will accomplish just that.”
Despite the university’s assurance that these new systems will promote a “comfortable environment conducive to learning,” some students think that the classrooms will be just a tit too nipply.
Much of the student body has voiced their disapproval of the school’s tendency to vastly overcompensate for outdoor weather conditions. Brittany Flowers, a sophomore Finance major, said that she was “forced to wear less clothing than a 2002 Christina Aguilera” and was reportedly “hotter than Satan’s balls” during the fall semester, as the classrooms were relentlessly blasted with heat.
Junior Matt Cho also took to Twitter last semester to complain about the sweltering indoor temperatures in the classrooms. “As if I’m not already sweating excessively from being hungover after $2 Tuesday, they have to crank the heat!” he tweeted last November.
In response to the students’ complaints, the university released in a statement that they will be equipping each classroom with nipple-cover vending machines free of charge.
“Well, it’s not actually free of charge, per se,” added Trucco. “A $75 nipple fee has been added to every full-time student’s term bill. And we know that they’ll need to cool off between campuses so we’ve replaced a couple of buses with mobile meat freezers. You’re welcome.”
BY Sue Denimm