Tag Archives: south

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

White Student Goes to Popeyes

BY Walter Cronkite JR.
Chicken Enthusiast

For the first time in his life, Allen Jeffries, a white male, went to Popeyes. It was nothing he had ever experienced before.

Though a frequent customer of white-person food staples like Panda Express and Panera Bread, Jeffries had always been intrigued by Popeyes. It took a walk down New Brunswick’s George Street with some new friends for the second-semester freshman to finally expand his horizons.

“I’m from a pretty white town, so this is all new for me,” said Jeffries, a Short Hills, New Jersey native. “I was walking with the first black and hispanic friends I had ever made, and we passed Popeyes. The line was so long. That was the only thing stopping my friends from going in. I told them I had never been before and they were shocked. They just turned around and left me there.”

Confused, Jeffries walked alone to Chipotle, another gathering hole for white people, for a solo, contemplative meal. After he finished his bowl with a wrap on the side, he vowed that tomorrow would be a new day.

popeyes
Apparently there’s a Popeyes on George Street WHO KNEW?

“At that moment I told myself I’d man up,” said the 18-year-old Jeffries, whose only experience with black food culture was rushing into a KFC to use the bathroom while coming home from a middle school travel soccer game. “I’m in college now. It’s time for me to experience new cultures. That starts tomorrow with some Louisiana Fast.”

The next day, Jeffries returned to Popeyes alone for lunch. Walking city streets by himself for the first time, he shuddered and jumped every time he walked by a homeless person. The notorious Sax Guy was frightening.

“I powered through the streets of New Brunswick and proudly stood in line for about three seconds,” said Jeffries. “Then confusion hit. I didn’t know how to order. Whenever we go out my parents usually order for me. If I’m out with friends, it’s at a place I’ve been before. It was so scary.”

Jeffries stood at the counter flabbergasted. With a hungry line behind him, he froze.
“The cashier asked what I wanted,” said Jeffries. “She could tell I was lost, so she asked if I wanted a four piece. I said, ‘No thanks, I don’t do drugs.’ Then she gave me this look like I had just offended her. I don’t know their slang.”

Jeffries finally buckled under the pressure of an increasingly angry line, so he scrambled and asked for “some of that Louisiana Fast.”

“I don’t know how, but I got my food,” said Jeffries. “I just stood there like an idiot, but I finally got my food. And let me tell you, it’s pretty good. I mean what do you expect. It’s just some fried chicken. I’m sorry to let you down but it’s nothing special. I don’t think I’ve learned anything from this experience.”