Tag Archives: slavery

Student From South Jersey Finds Out Area Was Part of Union

BY Grind All
Masshole

CHERRY HILL — In a shocking turn of events local South Jersey resident Karen Hall recently found out that South Jersey was in fact part of the Union during the Civil War rather than the confederacy. This revelation came after Hall enrolled in an American History class during her second semester at Rutgers. As the class was wrapping up Hall realized that she had hardly attended class and in order to pass the final she would need to actually open the textbook. But when she sat down this past Monday to finally read about some good old American history she found herself paralyzed by shock when she got to the history of the Civil War section. Right there in writing was the listing of the states that fought for the Confederacy in the 1860s.

“I just sat there re-reading it over and over again!” exclaimed Hall. “Right there it said South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas, Tennessee, and North Carolina! No mention of Jersey!”

Hall attempted to calm herself down by telling herself that Virginia was close to Jersey so maybe South Jersey was actually a part of Virginia in the 1800s! Unfortunately, to her dismay she turned the page and was greeted with a map that outlined where the Confederacy ended and the Union started, which made it very obvious that South Jersey was a part of the Union.

“I was just so shocked,” she stated. “I mean the Union?! The icky no fun Union that wanted to CRUSH personal rights and take away Southern pride and heritage?!”
Enraged by this and still not totally believing what she saw, Hall stormed to her professor’s office demanding an explanation. The professor had no idea who Hall was and was reportedly concerned that Hall not only had no idea that New Jersey was a part of the Union but that she was upset by it.

“I thought I had some real Southern heritage in me!” cried Hall with a fake southern drawl in a recent phone interview.

According to her roommate, Hall has not left her room since reading the passage insisting she is going through an “identity crisis” citing that even though her family has lived in South Jersey since America’s birth, she does not know who her ancestors are anymore. Hall’s friend Chantel, a black woman, tried to sympathize with her stating she knew none of her ancestors because they were slaves that were not recorded in a censuses but Hall insisted it wasn’t the same and her situation was much worse.

No word on when Hall will exit her room or whether she has even accepted this fact yet.

Why Are You First Complaining About Racism Now?

BY Col Henry Rutgers

Revolutionary War Hero & White Land-Owning Male

henry_rutgersThere has been a lot of controversy lately surrounding my history of slave owning and general racism appropriate from that time period. In fact, some people are even demanding reparations for my actions, as if my statue will somehow magically come to life and take the podium to apologize.

Well I have news for you: my slaves LOVED being slaves! Or at least, I didn’t hear any complaining about it. I mean, if they hated being slaves so bad, why didn’t they ever say anything? It just seems awfully odd to me that people are complaining about it NOW, you know? I mean, I owned slaves for decades! My whole life, almost! Are you telling me that throughout that entire time, not one of my slaves thought to poke his head through the door and just be like, “Hey man, this isn’t cool.” I don’t believe it. I consider myself to be an open and considerate slave master- if one of my pieces of property had a problem with how I ran things, I’m certain they wouldn’t have had a problem telling me! I mean, with all the singing they did all the time…weren’t they having any fun in the fields like that? No, no, certainly the people of the present must be exaggerating. If there’s one thing I aimed to do on my Rutgers Estate, it was to make sure that all the people — and slaves — had a good time.