Tag Archives: Scarlet Knights

Yankees Cancel Rutgers Game to Preserve Reputation

PISCATAWAY — After a solid postseason run, the New York Yankees have decided to cut the Rutgers vs. Maryland game from its schedule of events to improve their image.
The Scarlet Knights were set to face Maryland at Yankees stadium on Saturday, November 4th, but both teams have had their invite rescinded in order to preserve the Yankees’ image.

In a press release the Yankees stated, “We regret to inform the public that the Rutgers vs. Maryland Football game will be canceled. We want to take the energy from this postseason and run with it. Allowing Rutgers to play at the stadium, against Maryland of all teams, would tarnish the groundwork we’ve set this season.”

The Rutgers Football program is shocked that the Yankees have decided to cut ties this way. After winning two consecutive conference games and not getting blown out by Michigan, fans were ecstatic to see their teams play at Yankee Stadium.

“We understand why they wouldn’t want to associate with Maryland. Nobody wants that, but we’re practically their backyard,” said University President Robert Barchi. “Our business program has been loading Wall Street with douchebags for years. They can’t even throw us a bone?”

Not everybody is torn up about the decision though. Freshman lineman Norman Suggs was quoted saying, “Thank god we don’t have to go all the way to the city to lose. I get car sick.”

When questioned about their decision, the Yankees responded with vague answers and beat around the bush when it came to logistics. However, one message was clear:

They were glad to have canceled this event.

“Yeah, we’re trying to be associated with winning over here,” said a Yankees representative who preferred to remain nameless.

Tune in to a sketchy stream from a Russian website to watch the Scarlet Knights and the Terps face off, because there’s no way this makes it to TV.

Rutgers On Pace to Win Big 10 “Most Improved” Award This Season

PISCATAWAY — The Rutgers Scarlet Knights are on a world-shocking two game win streak, and they’re officially eligible for a special honor.

Each year the Big 10 honors the most improved team in the conference, and this year it’s the Scarlet Knights. The week before last, Rutgers secured their first conference win in nearly two years against the Fighting Illini, who went home hanging their heads in shame.

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AN AWARD SUITED FOR A CAMPUS SO LIBERAL The Scarlet Knights take this year’s Big 10 Most Improved Award

Big 10 commissioner Jim Delany stated in a press conference, “Not only did the Scarlet Knights manage to not get blown out buy double- digits, they actually won a fucking game. The board is so astounded we’re officially nominating Rutgers University for the award for most improved organization.”

A week after Rutgers topped the Purdue Boilermakers at High Point Solutions Stadium by a whopping two points, after nearly blowing the lead after allowing a late game touchdown and a near two-point conversion.

Quarterback Kyle Bolin was overheard telling teammates to “…simmer the fuck down out there. We’re not trying to win a bowl game or anything, so let’s not get expectations up. Let’s feed off this energy and shoot for most improved. Worst case, we still get our participation awards.”

The energy won’t stop here though. Rutgers will face off against the Michigan Wolverines on Saturday, and things are looking not so terrible for the Scarlet Knights.

So long as Rutgers scores at least a field goal, and limits Michigan’s points to 35, they’re almost a lock for most improved this year.

Coach Jim Harbaugh even extended a congratulations to Chris Ash and the entire Rutgers Football organization. “I’m genuinely proud of you guys,” he said, “It’s nice to see a team we absolutely pummel do a little better the next season. I’m just glad I could help make a difference.”

Tune in to the Big Ten Network this weekend to watch the Scarlet Knights try their best.

Rutgers Beats Illinois, Decides to Call it Quits On Football

BY Throb Lowe

PISCATAWAY— This past Saturday the Scarlet Knights topped the Fighting Illinois 35-24 in their first Big 10 victory since 2015, and Pat Hobbs has decided it’s quitting time.

The Scarlet Knights have had a rough few years, losing to major Big 10 teams by dozens of points, and even taking a loss to Eastern Michigan University. But this Saturday was different for Rutgers, this weekend snapped the cold streak.

Following an absolute blowout by Ohio State and a bye week, Rutgers was extremely well-rested and ready to beat the team ranked one spot below them in the latest AP polls. After the thrilling victory, the organization decided to call it quits on college football to preserve the feeling.

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“A SWEET END TO OUR SUFFERING” Rutgers beats first Big 10 team, makes a smart move to protect reputation.

In a press conference, Chris Ash told reporters “It’s a decision that the whole organization was on board with. I don’t think anyone can tolerate the constant flow of negativity surrounding this program. Frankly, I’m just glad we can end it on good terms.”

Rutgers University has been renowned as “The Birthplace of College Football,” as the first game in history was played on its campus. Rutgers beat Princeton 6-4 in a riveting matchup that would set the tone of the sport forever. But the university that started it all has decided to end it all on a good note.

Wide Receiver Janarion Grant stated “The locker room was the most electric it had ever been, and we all knew that we should just quit while we’re ahead. I’m glad I can go out feelin’ like a champ.”

The news of the program being dissolved shocked fans, who are left wondering what they’ll do instead of watch a shitty football game and spend the rest of their day pouting. The university had a quick response to the fans, saying that Mason Gross students will be performing “Cats: The Musical” at High Point Solutions Stadium in place of games. Tickets will not be refunded as the university sees “Cats: The Musical” as objectively more entertaining than our football team.

Coach Ash Warns Fans Not to Get too Excited Following Win

BY Throb Lowe
Store in a Cool, Dry Area

NEW BRUNSWICK—Calling it a dream come true, Rutgers football fans are ecstatic after coming out on the winning side of a 65-0 blowout against Morgan State, but coach Chris Ash is warning fans not to get their hopes up.

The Scarlet Knights put their balls right on the table this past Saturday, recording 322 rushing yards and 152 passing yards. The student section was full for the first time in 13 games.

Sophomore Jimmy Grant said “It was the first time I had ever been shoulder to shoulder with people in there. And practically no one left at halftime. Hopefully we can ride this energy.” But Head Coach Chris Ash warns against just that. “Look, I’m glad everyone’s happy, but I really wouldn’t look too much into it. Morgan State? Who’s even heard of Morgan State?” Reminding fans that the victory had snapped an 11 game losing streak for the knights.

“I really hope people come to the games, but I don’t want them to expect anything special. All I can say is we’ll try not to get spanked out there anymore.”

Senior student Vivian Jean replied to Ash’s statement, saying “[Ash] Just needs to have faith. I think that this one huge victory is setting a tone for the season. And maybe we’ll even get payback on all those teams while we march to the Rose Bowl! Chop!”

Rutgers is set to travel to Nebraska this coming weekend to get their cobs husked in their second Big 10 match up of the season.

Red-shirt senior Jadaveous Smith said “Those Morgan State dudes were soft, but I’m a little worried about playing Nebraska. I bet all those guys do are practice, what else is there to do out there? Honestly, I just hope its not on TV, just in case.”

If you want to tune into the game, Rutgers Athletics will be broadcasting the game at The Yard, so students can ride the emotional rollercoaster together.

Rutgers Alumni on Their Takeover of Superbowl LI

BY Maximum Powers
Hates Carrots

PISCATAWAY— The Super Bowl teams have been decided and it appears that it will be the New England Nationalists against the Atlanta Really Really Fast Birdies. While this outcome surprised absolutely no one, what did surprise sports fans was that Rutgers held the symbolic award for most athletes participating in the championship game. Between New England and Atlanta a staggering number of 5 players got their start as Scarlet Knights, twenty percent more than the next three colleges behind them.

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The Big…Something I can’t read Roman Numerals The five Rutgers Alumni who are showing that we don’t all suck

Despite naysayers claiming that this is the result of pure coincidence and is in no way reflective of Rutgers Football’s quality as a program, the university has wasted no time and made announcements praising the football program for it’s great recruiting and training of top class football players. Rutgers Football Coach Pat Hobbs told The Medium, “Of course Rutgers alumni would be all over Super Bowl LI. I remember turning on the TV, seeing these kids play back when they were freshmen and saying to the guys next to me ‘Why are we watching Rutgers? Notre Dame is playing on ESPN2.’”

As the administration provided no answers, many turned to the athletes themselves to inquire how attending Rutgers translated into a successful football career. While most were unable to comment on how Rutgers helped in their success, Logan Ryan had given the question a lot of thought and told The Medium “[Rutgers] was like playing football in five feet of pudding. It’s not until you have a competent team backing you up that you realize that this football thing is really easy. I remember as soon as I left the Scarlet Knights it felt like I had taken fifty pound weights off my legs.”

Hobbs had no comment for Ryan’s hypothesis, but told The Medium,“All we know is that Rutgers clearly has the best recruiting out of any college in the U.S. and have no need to ever change the way we do things.”

Deluxe Dorm Room Asian Noodles

BY Latin Mama

Ingredients:

1 Package of Ramen (**doesn’t matter what flavor, they all taste like butthole**)

Salt

Preparation

1. Place Ramen and water into the same dirty bowl that you ate ice cream out of last night because it’s the only one you own. Press wrong microwave setting and cook until molten lava hot.

2. Spill some of the water on yourself as you take it out of the tiny-ass microwave on top of your fridge. Scream expletives loudly (fuck, mierda, cockmonkey, ballsack-shitballs, etc.).

3. Add salt. I know, Ramen is already salty AF, but it’s the only flavor additive you have in your room (unless you count the strawberry-flavored lube they were giving out for free at the student center).

4. Eat Ramen as you burn your tongue 40 times, while simultaneously allowing a single tear to fall down your cheek as you slowly realize: if you don’t eventually date someone who knows how to cook, you’ll be eating this way for the rest of your life. Enjoy your high sodium reality, Scarlet Knights!

Rutgers Football Ranked Below Trump University

BY Mike Hawk
Most Likely to smile

PISCATAWAY—This past week on ESPN, the NCAA released the recent rankings of all college football teams. This was an extensive, well thought out list that was concluded by polls that took into the account of all coaches as well as some analysts.

Our analysts here at The Medium took a look at the list and our very own Scarlet Knights are ranked at 129th place. That is directly below the famed Trump University. We have reached out to a spokesperson for Trump University asking how they managed to gain a spot on the NCAA rankings for football teams when they do not possess one.

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TRUST ME Trump towers, the practice area for the football team

“We here at Trump University expect nothing but the best from our staff. We will be the best non football having team this country has ever seen. No other college will be better at not having a football team than us, no one; I can promise you that.”

Although the university spokesperson did not answer our question, it was clear that he was very passionate about being the greatest non-team having sports team this great nation has ever seen. Trump University will do everything in its power to make college football great again. We should do our part as the Scarlet Knights to help as well as chant “Lock up Penn State” this Saturday.