Tag Archives: Russia

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff
Sleepless

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

Russian International Students Raising Bears in Dorm Rooms

BY Hippie
Hips Don’t Lie

LIVINGSTON — Over the past year, several students have submitted complaints throughout the Livingston campus regarding loud “growl-like noises” in the middle of the night. After resident assistants failed to find the source of the growls, residence life began a full investigation to ensure the safety of all students. What they assumed to be a raccoon and/or sexual deviant living in the building turned out to be so much more.

Upon resident assistants being instructed to inform the police on suspicious noises, the cops raided the Livingston Towers to find a family of domesticated bears living in separate dorm rooms. Russian international students had been herding them in the middle of the night from the Livingston preservation to the dorms, drugging them with alcohol to do so. In fact, the students disclosed that making the bears extremely dependent alcoholics was the way to keep them quiet most of the time. The “growls” were only heard when the bears
were fiending for alcohol. When questioned about the domestication of these wild animals, transfer student Vasili Vasiliev stated, “It seemed unorthodox that we are not allowed pets in dorms. At home, I had three bears named Stalin, Cyka, and Putin.”

Another student, Natasha Steveslav claimed, “My bears is my best friends. I loves them dearly – they even good at making of the love.” Upon making this statement, Natasha was shortly removed from university premises and arrested for bestiality.

The final student to be interviewed, Alexander Zaslavsky, stated, “Fuck America. My parents send me to this ridiculous country to get second rate education, and now you fuckers tell me I cannot even haves my bears? Fuck you all. If this gets me kicked out of school, I will gratefully transfer to Moscow University, where they let you have not ONE, not TWO, but up to SEVEN cubs if you want them.”

By the end of the interviews, the police realized that the students could not comprehend what they had done wrong, and thus were kicked out of university housing.

Russia U18 Hockey Team Caught Doping Because Why the Fuck Not

BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Hates The Odyssey Online

MOSCOW—Over the past few weeks, news has developed out of Russia that their entire under 18-year Men’s National Hockey Team has been found guilty of taking Meldonium, an illegal substance, because well, they wanted to fucking win.

“We wanted to win, what the fuck’s the problem?” Russian Czar of Hockey Vladimir Putin said in a fucking smug Russian tone. You know the tone we’re talking about, it’s a little smug for our taste. “We’re talking about sports right? Doesn’t everyone want to win?”
Indeed “winning,” which results from scoring more “points or goals” than the opponent, is actually very important in sports.

However, sports scientists determined these players are actually children who, as research indicates, have important things to do. These children’s tasks include taking tests and jerking off.

“Taking these illegal substances will one day, without a doubt, cause so much harm to their bodies that they will drop fucking dead,” said sports scientist and health nutritionist Dr. P. Weiss.

Russian officials had opposing opinions.

russia

“Do you know what Meldonium does?” asked Director of Russian Medicine Vladimir Putin.
“It is a substance which improves exercise tolerance and recovery. When you get a headache or back pain you take an aspirin. So what’s the big deal? These boys’ bodies are growing at fast paces and it causes their muscles to hurt after long practices,” finished a smug Putin.

Wanting kids to feel good about themselves? Wanting them to be able to relax after sacrificing their childhoods to play a grueling sport for no money? How else will they prepare for the real world unless they feel pain, deep pain, all the fucking time. Heartless bitch.

“We cannot believe Russia would put their youth athletes in danger like that. That is no way to set the right example for children to follow,” said United States Hockey Director Brian Marrons in a Monday press release. “The United States would never force youth athletes to take illegal substances.”

The United States is the same country that encourages early youth sport specialization and refuses to pay student athletes, meanwhile giving them “role models” to look up to who get arrested for weekly for DUIs, like Abby Wambach or (insert NFL player’s name here). But hey, at least they aren’t using illegal performance enhancing drugs rapidly right before a huge international tournament.

Clearly, it will take a while for Russia to solve their chronic PED problem. If there was a bright side to this, it exposes that PEDs are still an important problem to address in sports today with our children.

It also means the United States is not going to lose to Russia in this year’s Men’s U18 tournament! A truly embarrassing tragedy, but hopefully one other countries will be caught guilty of, too.

Obama Shits on Kremlin Lawn

BY Some Schmuck
Novice Wabbit Hunter

headline2
“THAT’S THE SMELL OF FREEDOM” Pres. Obama squats down and pinches a loaf for America as he poots in front of Putin.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA —In what has been described by young liberals as a generally good diplomatic move, U.S. President Barack Obama was recently caught defecating on the lawn of the Moscow Kremlin, residence of Russian Federation Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Though the State Department is yet to comment on Mr. Obama’s actions, the move has been viewed favorably among his own supporters.

“I don’t care what Fox News and the Repub-LIE-cans say, Obama is a good president!” said Meredyth Jackson, treasurer of the Iona College Democrats. “This move is a strong statement against gun violence, and I am very proud of Obama for having the stridence to carry it out.” continued Jackson. “He’s basically my hero.”

Andrew Wheaten, a member of the Tennessee Tech Progressives, further clarified, “we are very grateful for President Obama’s statement in solidarity with Muslims. I’m not yet sure of the connection, but it should soon become obvious.” Wheaten declined to comment on the symbolic meaning of the Jack Daniels whiskey bottle present in Mr. Obama’s hand at the time.

“There are no legitimate criticisms of Obama; most of his critics are just racist.” continued Wheaten. When asked about the President’s 47% approval rating, he explained that the number is “according to both his supporters and opponents. If you polled only his supporters, the number would be closer to 100%.”

Wheaten further explained, “it’s a lot of rhetoric from Trump supporters, with an eerie, fascist-like faith in their candidate. Conservatives are so stupid, ugh.”

“I’m extremely proud of Obama’s latest statement in favor of LGBTQ* rights. He truly is a visionary” commented Amethyst Schwartz of the Black Lives Matter chapter at UC Santa Cruz. “I think Obama wrote some really great laws and I’m disappointed he’s not going for a third term. But I’m voting for Hillary. Hopefully, she too will symbolically shit all over cis-white-male oppression.”