Tag Archives: MLB

Man With Crippling Sunflower Seed Allergy Makes Baseball Team

BY Stephen A. Smiff
Underground Failure

FREEHOLD, NJ — Calling it a dream come true, 15-year-old Jessie Holdermann overcame his crippling sunflower seed allergy to make the Freehold Township Travel Summer League B Team.

Holdermann had not played team baseball since 2004, when his allergy was first discovered.

“We first realized he was allergic when he nearly passed out in left field,” said his mother, Annie. “We thought he fell down after chasing around a butterfly, but it turned out he was eating sunflower seeds while playing. Who knew you were allowed to eat a snack mid-game?”

SAFE FOR NOW Jessie thinks he won’t break out in hives in about five minutes.

Since, Holdermann had only practiced with his father in backyards and batting cages, fearing any accidental contact with any combination of salted, unsalted or ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

“I’ve been waiting for this moment my entire life,” a semi-intelligible Holdermann is assumed to have said in the dugout, as the dusting of sunflower seed shells coating the floor caused his cheeks and tongue to swell. “Making the Travel Summer League B Team is a big accomplishment. We get to showcase our skills in towns like Colts Neck and Wall, and I get to do it with a great group of guys around me, who still enjoy eating sunflower seeds all game.”

The season begins on June 15, but practices have already begun, giving the rest of the team a chance to get comfortable with Holdermann’s allergy.

“In no other sport are you eating something all game,” continued Holdermann. “I don’t really understand why we do it in baseball, but it’s part of the game. Baseball has a rich history, so who am I to interfere with it. If all it takes for me to play the game I love is to suffer in pain and struggle to breathe, than that’s fine with me.”

David Sunflower Seeds has yet to comment on the situation, but as of now the company is still supplying its product.

Cleveland Indians Kicked out of Restaraunt for Not Having a Reservation

BY Tonto Goldberg
Pun Enthusiast

CLEVELAND— After defeating the Chicago Cubs 6 -0 in the opening game of the 2016 World Series, the Cleveland Indians decided to go to the Red Steakhouse, a well-known restaurant in the Cleveland area, to celebrate the team’s first World Series win in 19 years. After arriving at the restaurant they were informed by the staff that they couldn’t be seated because they didn’t have a reservation. The hostess gave this statement to the medium. “The whole team walked into the restaurant and everyone was cheering and clapping, but I had no clue how we were going to seat all of these people, after all, the place was packed!” We had no choice but to ask them to leave.

NOT ON MY WATCH CEO protects his right to take other people’s things


An anonymous source at the Red Steakhouse reported that the Indians did in fact have a reservation, but their table was given away to an oil company who was conducting a dinner meeting with a potential client. A company spokesman made this statement yesterday. “We are very sorry that we took the Indian’s reservation. The table they reserved was in a prime location of the restaurant. It was a table that we needed to take advantage of because it had a direct pipeline from the kitchen to our table and we could get a lot more food to the table quicker.” The CEO of the company told reporters that “the deal that he made during that meeting could create 8,000 to 12,000 local jobs, so taking the reservation was better in the long run.”

The manager of the Indians, Terry Francona had this to say, “our reservations have been being taken from us for years. I don’t care how many jobs that deal created, enough is enough!” It is clear that someone needs to check this CEO’s privilege, clearly he doesn’t know how ‘dibs’ work.

Rantland, A Medium Exclusive: Utley was not malintentioned and also please buy my new EP

BY The Missing Reels

Call it a sixth sense, call it intuition. call it my gentle and forgiving nature, call it my tendency to be optimistic and see the good side of people. Whatever you want to call it, I know in my heart that Chase Utley did not intentionally slide into Ruben Tejada and that you should also buy my brand new EP “Can I Have Your Monster.”

The evidence is more or less irrelevant in this case. You have to put yourself in Chase Utley’s cleats to really understand what happened. Imagine this: you’re in the heat of a playoff game, game 2 of a series in which you trail the New York Mets one game to none. You just listened to my track, “Futile,” an action-packed tune that makes for a great pregame pump-up song, and you’re friggin feelin’ it baby! You take off toward second base, the only thought on your mind being how big this moment is and how a track like the one off my EP, “This Kind of Moment is Exactly the Type We Prepare for, Now Let’s Do It, Let’s Seize the Day! Yeah!” would be very timely were the MLB to blast it during games. Or at least during the outrow on tv, just before commercial breaks. That’d be swell.

Anyway, you’re about to reach second when you realize you’re charging headfirst into a double play. “Fuck!” you think to yourself, an exclamation that surely is a quote from the third track on my EP “Dammit! Fuck! This is Not a Good Thing, if I’m Being Honest.” When this happens, you lose track of all reality. Your mind slips into a fucking oblivion, much like the fictional protagonist that serves as the inspiration for my stellar track “His Mind Slips Into a Fucking Oblivion.” When all your senses leave you, you take your eye off the bag and lose control in your legs.

What happens as a result? Tejada, in the wrong place at the wrong time, gets injured. As unfortunate as this is, it was an accident. Immediately, a song from my EP pops into your head. “I Swear This Isn’t What it Looks Like. Alright Yeah, I Fucking Cheated. But Where’s Your Proof, Buddy?” If you find this scenario relatable, then leave Chase Utley alone and leave your couch to go pick up my latest EP, available for $4.99 (tax not included.)