Here are the most noteworthy quotes from Cohen’s closed door testimony. Someone leaked the script, and we got our hands on it. A lot of important things were said, and we’ve assembled the best information for you to know:
“Donald Trump made me blow raspberries on his tummy” – This is a quote we were all shocked to physically see, though we probably knew about deep down the whole time.
“Trump was constantly angry that sports teams kept showing up and eating his fast food” – This surprised me. I mean, I know he can stand to lose a few pounds, but weren’t there like 800 hamburgers at some of those events?
“He once mistook Ivanka for Melania. Then again, maybe he just grabs all women by the pussy” – Disgusting.
“He thinks Donald Trump Jr. has a dumb name… unironically.” – Hilarious.
“He always said ‘Tim Apple is one of my best friends.’” – It makes sense that he doesn’t know the name of one of his best friends, but hasn’t he talked to this guy like three times?
“He often was on the phone with Putin and said things like ‘oh stop it you rascal’ and ‘validation from you is literally more important to me than anything.’” – Pretty obvious, but again, nice to see it in writing.