It’s that time of year again when kiddies from all over New Jersey and people who think they’ll be okay without mommy and daddy’s help without ever having done shit for themselves come to tour our great University. You love your fellow students here, we all share our bond like no other. So why not interact with your future classmates and show them what being a true Scarlet Knight is all about! Here is a list of some of the best things you can do to make them feel this is the best university for them!
1. Walk past the tour group hysterically crying. It helps if you are carrying an exam with a large letter F on it, or perhaps a half empty bottle of vodka, but this is entirely up to your taste.
2. Be on the phone with another fellow Scarlet Knight and walk past the group saying how thankful you are that you finally fucked your physics professor; not only was that dick bomb, but otherwise you would have never passed the class!
3. Yell “Fuck Penn State!” I know we lost and all, and were humiliated, but it’s really the only thing we have going for us anymore.
4. Ask all the girls for their Kik. They have to get used to it anyway!
5. Tell the group there is no way they will make it here with the ratio they have now. Tell them their dads are gonna have to throw 5s. After all, you’re just giving them a friendly warning!
6. Join the group! You’re not really going home to do homework anyway. Start asking impossible questions like what is for dinner in the dining hall today, or when the F bus is coming on Busch. You know the tour guide can’t answer these, and you’ll have a great time making them look like shit!
7. While in the group, whisper to several other members “God, I don’t know about this, this just isn’t as good as Stockton”
8. Follow the group around with a megaphone, spouting the latest “evolution is a lie” speech you’ve been preparing for months.
9. Fill your mouth with oatmeal (make it really liquid-y) and pretend to vomit in front of the group.
10. While in the group, someone WILL bring up the Douglass campus. Upon hearing the word, look petrified, gather your shit quickly, breathe heavily, and suddenly scream “NOOOOOOOOO” and run away.