BY Radio Raheem
Does the Right Thing
PISCATAWAY—Exciting progress is being made on Busch Campus by the DEVCO construction teams. The giant pile of dirt by the Library of Science and Medicine has been smoothed out in preparation for turning it into a pile again.
“We’re really astounded at the progress these men are making. It’s been 9 months and we’ve already built up and knocked down this gigantic mass of dirt seven times,” said Keith Stone, the project manager behind the giant pile of dirt. “Rutgers has been paying us an exorbitant amount of money to just look busy and cause a massive inconvenience for all the students and faculty. I would say we’ve been doing an outstanding job. Our contract is to pile up all of this dirt and then just smooth it out again once every six weeks, and we’ve been beating that every single time.
Rutgers School of Engineering senior Michael Goldberg, who hasn’t had a class anywhere near the construction since last semester, remarks on the construction; “I’m really not sure what they’re trying to do there. I’m was just tired of having to walk all the way around the Library to get to the pharmacy building. It’s especially annoying when all of the space in between the two buildings is taken up by this gigantic amount of dirt which is sometimes piled up really high, but also sometimes smoothed out. I’m not sure what that’s all about.”
“We should be finished by the time anybody who is currently inconvenienced by this construction has graduated,” Stone says. “In the meantime, we’re probably just going to lay down some more exposed pipes in arbitrary locations.” Stone advises all Rutgers students and faculty to do your best not to trip on them.
PISCATAWAY, NJ—Amidst controversy at Yale University over several professors speaking out against groups of students who demand the campus be a safe-space for the various minorities at Yale, Rutgers University has decided to open up several “Danger-Spaces” to promote free speech and protect the constitutional rights of students. While safe-spaces are made to protect certain types of minorities from any uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe discussion concerning sensitive topics, many oppose the existence of such places undermine free speech at academic institutions.
Wednesday morning, President Barchi released an announcement that several popular locations at Rutgers University will promote free speech and be declared “Danger-Spaces.” They will serve to protect all forms of hate-speech, violent expression, and general douchebaggery. Over the past few months, Mettler Hall served as a trial for one of these Danger-Spaces and after the recent stabbing, President Barchi decided to move forward with opening more locations.
“I’m very pleased with the results in Mettler Hall,” said President Barchi. “Not only do students feel comfortable expressing their hate verbally, but now they feel comfortable enough to express their hate physically, too.”
Danger-Spaces will also be opening at the following locations: Livingston – Beck Hall basement, Busch – Third floor of the Library of Science and Medicine, and Cook/Douglass – Dudley’s. Each Danger-Space specializes in a different form of expression. For example, the third floor of the LSM, currently known as the Silent Lounge, will continue to be silent and only allow violence such as shanking and water-boarding.
To pay for these Danger-Spaces, Rutgers University announces a partnership with the National Rifle Association. Each Danger-Space will come equipped with a firearm closet, megaphones, blackface paint, and ready-made “_____ are Going to Hell” posters.
Rutgers University hopes the implementation of these Danger-Spaces will enable the community to hate freely without the fear of progress for minorities.