Hi!! I’m Ada, and I have no less than fifty academic integrity violations! I specialize in writing papers for other classmates, but I’ve been known to dabble in stealing answer keys and recycling old assignments. Now, you probably know that violating academic integrity is fun and an incredibly helpful victimless crime, but did you know that you can also make money off it? That’s right! Charging desperate students $15 a page for essays they just can’t be bothered to do adds up quick, and before you know it you can be making enough money in a semester to buy textbooks for the next.
Surprised? I was too! A friend of mine who never showed up to lecture and didn’t even had a textbook was worried about his psychology paper, so I offered to do it for him. It was just a bit of fun, I could only submit one paper and couldn’t narrow down my topics so it was nice to be able to do two. To my surprise, he venmo’d me $60 a few days later! It was amazing to see that one of my favorite hobbies (essays) could actually turn a solid profit! From there, I was addicted. I could write all the essays I had time for, and the money couldn’t stop flowing in.
Of course, all this comes at a price: this is technically against the rules. Not the little “teacher rules” where you’ll just get shamed in front of the class and maybe lose points, but me and my clients could all get kicked out of school if we were caught. It’s stupid, I’m just trying to run a business, but if Rutgers gets its big nose involved then I’d be facing some serious disproportionate retribution. To be honest, though… running around, trying to get customers without anyone at Rutgers finding out… that’s part of the fun. And so is the knowledge that if I get taken down, I can take dozens of people with me. This all started as an innocent hobby, then a job, but I like playing a puppetmaster a lot more.
So we’re all cramming to nail that dreaded interview…Here a few tips to land you that unpaid internship where you’ll probably be pouring coffee and making tedious copies for hours on end!
1. Bling yourself OUT! I’m talking 2005 Lil’ Jon style, grillz and all. The more gaudy jewelry you wear, the more important you’ll seem, so pile that shit on till you can hardly walk.
2. When shaking your future employers’ hands, stare into their souls. Intimidate the shit out of them. Then they have no choice but to hire you out of fear for losing their lives.
3. Make sure to have a friend purposefully telephone you during the interview. This makes you seem important. Bitch, your time is valuable! They should be lucky you even penciled THEM into your busy sched.
4. Once they inevitably offer you the job cuz you CRUSHED IT, say that you have gotten a million other job offers and that you´ll “have to get back to them.” We all know this is the biggest lie since Milli Vanilli’s lipsyncing or Trump’s entire life, but, hey, better to lose out on a job than seem desperate…am I right?
Okay so I told you all about how we’re all growing up and need jobs and all that shit, but damn it’s hard to get one! Especially since we’re all just stupid little copies of each other, I mean come on all girls wear that same raincoat and all the boys wear Vineyard Vines. So basically, you are extremely forgettable so we’re giving you the tips you need to stand out in the crowd of applicants!
1. Don’t smile
2. Don’t say hi
3. Don’t smile and say hi
4. Start complaining if asked how your day is going
5. Make sure you haven’t showered, shaved, used deoderant, brushed your teeth and, whatever you do, don’t you dare wear clean, pressed and fashionable clothing
6. Try to mumble, stutter, lisp, whisper and make frequent non-language noises such as squeeking, tittering laughter, oohs and aaahs, grunts and moans and other animal sounds
7. Forget what people tell you immediately
8 . Assert your dominance by farting aloud and blame it to the interviewer or recruiter and then giggle at them
9. Ask people for their middle names and then ask them if you can call them by their first names and then promptly forget their names
10. Take the interviewer out in a date at Brower
Congrats on your fucking job motherfuckers. Send me and Hen part of your first paycheck
The football fiasco on the banks gained even more momentum this past weekend as Rutgers lost in embarrassing fashion to Washington State. The team also lost its best player Leonte Carroo to an indefinite suspension.
It all started before that though, when Flood got enveloped in a scandal involving emailing a part-time lecturer about a player’s academic status. I do not know the exact content of the email, but I imagine it went something like this:
“Hey. This is Kyle Flood. I’m an arrogant fucking prick. Why don’t you walk your pathetic, part-time ass over to your shitty computer and give this stupid fucker an A so he can stop other student athletes from catching balls. Did I mention you should fuck off? Die.”
As if that was not enough, under Flood’s careful watch five hundred or so of his players were arrested recently with tie ins to robbery and assault cases. I don’t really know how many players are on a football team but five hundred certainly seems like a lot to lose. Is this man, who wasn’t aware of everything all his players did during their personal time like the omniscient being head coaches are apparently supposed to be, the one we want at the helm of our football program?
I think not. I think we need a guy like me. I avidly read nj.com and shout things like “why is he open? Cover him!” and “Fuck you ref!” while I attend games. I played NCAA Football 2008 and led the then unranked Scarlet Knights to two national championships. I even relentlessly taunt opposing fans, especially the young ones. What more does one need to coach a football team?
No, seriously, what else do I need? A bachelors at least? Cause I honestly have idea what the fuck I’m talking about here.
PISCATAWAY— College students and common folk alike think that being a college football player is filled with glorious parties, intense on the field action, and light course schedules. If thinking about the football player’s experience during the Fall semester, they would be correct. However, at Rutgers University, officials pay little to no mind to football players during the semester, forcing most of them to take on-campus jobs for no pay just to stay enrolled.
“Oh yeah, the football team is amazing during the Fall. The way they energize the campus and surrounding communities, it’s just incredible to watch,“ said President Barchi at his latest press conference. “And I won’t pretend to not understand the revenue they bring in. The team really is crucial for our brand.”
“But when the Spring hits, they don’t do jack shit to help me, so why should I help them?” added Barchi. “Those bastards need to keep making at least a little money for me, or else I have no reason to keep them around!”
The NCAA was very pleased to hear the news about the new system Rutgers was implementing. They toured the Rutgers facilities on Monday and were very pleased, noting the agility of running back Justin Goodwin as he weaved a snowblower between paths on Douglass, the power that guard Kaleb Johnson displayed hauling around bags of salt, and the quickness receiver Andrew Turzilli demonstrated while swiping students into the Livingston Dining Hall.
Next season, students and fan can expect to see Leonte Carroo adding to his receiving touchdowns record at High Point Solutions stadium. In the meantime, they can expect to receive a delicious heap of pulled barbecue chicken on their plates during his time behind the counter at the Busch Dining Hall.