Tag Archives: Hockey

Americans Upset There Won’t be Miracle on Ice Part 2 This Olympics

By Ivan Yakinoff

PYEONGCHANG— As the 2018 Winter Olympics come to a close in their final week, Americans are visibly distraught at the fact that Russia is not at this year’s Olympics. As many already know, the entire Russian team was banned from the Winter Olympics this
year due to a massive state sponsored doping program that would make Jose Canseco jealous. Many of Russia’s biggest Olympic rivals such as sobriety and wild bears rejoiced at this news but Americans took it personally because they still won’t get the sequel to the original Miracle on Ice.

The original, which occurred at the height of the Cold War in 1980, made Americans care about hockey for the first time in their nation’s history. The event gave us both the greatest moment in American sports history as well as a kick ass movie.

Seeing the modern political tension with Putin and Russia, many Americans believed this would be the perfect time for the miracle to happen again.

“Miracle was an amazing movie. I’ve been waiting ages for a sequel, but noooo, Russia just had take athletic advice from Lance Armstrong” said local movie critic Roger Baker.

Although the Russian Olympic team is just disguised as the OAR team, Americans won’t accept that because it wouldn’t give the sequel a genuine feel. With the great new Black Panther movie coming out, this adds an extra layer of sadness for hockey fans because they won’t have a new white accomplishment to trump black people this year.

This disappointment wasn’t just exclusive to America either. Many of Russia’s biggest sponsors, such as Adidas tracksuits and HD car dash cams are reporting record losses due to Russia’s ban.

This year was the 1 in every 4 that makes Americans acknowledge hockey exists. But in typical American fashion, No one knew we lost to the make-up Russian team 4-0 already.

NHL Adds Clay Aiken to Banned Substances

BY Throb Lowe
Wants It That Way

NEW YORK— The National Hockey League announced that they will be adding music by Clay Aiken to their list of banned substances.

Commissioner Gary Bettman told reporters in a conference on Monday that “The National Hockey League is an institution with a storied history. To protect the legacy and the future of the sport of hockey, we will be adding music by Clay Aiken to our list of banned substances.” Bettman continued to say that the amendment will become effective after the post-season has ended.

Research from a third-party group of analysts shows that players who test positive for Clay Aiken are on average less productive on the ice, and more prone to injury. To test whether a play has been listening to Clay Aiken’s music, doctors will softly play the song “Invisible” in the background of the waiting room. If a player quietly hums the chorus or taps along to the beat, doctors mark them as positive.

Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella told reporters, “I think the ban is good. I know damn well that my players don’t listen to Clay Aiken. We don’t need guys out on the ice underperforming because they’re daydreaming about his soft eyes.”

Repercussions for a positive test are severe. The first time a player violates the new amendment they will suspended indefinitely for 20 games. The second time a player is caught listening to Clay Aiken they will be suspended for the rest of the season.

While harsh, the rule is justified according to Penguins star Sidney Crosby. “When I broke my jaw back in 2013 it was totally preventable. I’ll admit it, I was singing along to Clay in my head when I got hurt. If I had been paying attention I would have been fine. I’m on board with the new rule, since it’ll help protect the younger guys coming into the league.”

Russia U18 Hockey Team Caught Doping Because Why the Fuck Not

BY Dr. Tossed Salad
Hates The Odyssey Online

MOSCOW—Over the past few weeks, news has developed out of Russia that their entire under 18-year Men’s National Hockey Team has been found guilty of taking Meldonium, an illegal substance, because well, they wanted to fucking win.

“We wanted to win, what the fuck’s the problem?” Russian Czar of Hockey Vladimir Putin said in a fucking smug Russian tone. You know the tone we’re talking about, it’s a little smug for our taste. “We’re talking about sports right? Doesn’t everyone want to win?”
Indeed “winning,” which results from scoring more “points or goals” than the opponent, is actually very important in sports.

However, sports scientists determined these players are actually children who, as research indicates, have important things to do. These children’s tasks include taking tests and jerking off.

“Taking these illegal substances will one day, without a doubt, cause so much harm to their bodies that they will drop fucking dead,” said sports scientist and health nutritionist Dr. P. Weiss.

Russian officials had opposing opinions.


“Do you know what Meldonium does?” asked Director of Russian Medicine Vladimir Putin.
“It is a substance which improves exercise tolerance and recovery. When you get a headache or back pain you take an aspirin. So what’s the big deal? These boys’ bodies are growing at fast paces and it causes their muscles to hurt after long practices,” finished a smug Putin.

Wanting kids to feel good about themselves? Wanting them to be able to relax after sacrificing their childhoods to play a grueling sport for no money? How else will they prepare for the real world unless they feel pain, deep pain, all the fucking time. Heartless bitch.

“We cannot believe Russia would put their youth athletes in danger like that. That is no way to set the right example for children to follow,” said United States Hockey Director Brian Marrons in a Monday press release. “The United States would never force youth athletes to take illegal substances.”

The United States is the same country that encourages early youth sport specialization and refuses to pay student athletes, meanwhile giving them “role models” to look up to who get arrested for weekly for DUIs, like Abby Wambach or (insert NFL player’s name here). But hey, at least they aren’t using illegal performance enhancing drugs rapidly right before a huge international tournament.

Clearly, it will take a while for Russia to solve their chronic PED problem. If there was a bright side to this, it exposes that PEDs are still an important problem to address in sports today with our children.

It also means the United States is not going to lose to Russia in this year’s Men’s U18 tournament! A truly embarrassing tragedy, but hopefully one other countries will be caught guilty of, too.

Budget Cuts Force Men’s Ice Hockey Team to Practice on Local Sidewalks

BY Shreg Giano

“Oh the weather outside is frightful!” Pictured here are the captains of the Rutgers Men’s Ice Hockey team looking particularly menacing as they skate down an icy sidewalk on Douglass en route to their practice.

Piscataway—Rutgers’ men’s Division-I hockey team could be the worst team the University fields in any sport. With a 3-24 record, not many would call the team a powerhouse squad. Perhaps more shocking is that Rutgers has fewer wins (3) than losses to Lebanon Valley College (4).

It comes as no surprise then that the squad is being hit with massive budget cuts that leave them without the funds to spend on renting time to practice at an indoor practice rink. But the resourceful coaches of the team have not let that misfortune lead to cancelled practices. Instead, the coaches have taken to running practices on the icy sidewalks populating Rutgers campuses.

According to head coach and general manager Andy Gojdycz, the major motivation for his bold move to outdoor practices was two-fold.

“The first motivator to do this was a logistical one. Rutgers clearly does not give much of a hoot about salting their sidewalks, so we knew we had a healthy area of thick ice for our guys to skate on,” Gojdycz explained.

“The second reason we’re doing this is publicity really. Maybe people will actually know we have a team after this.”

Gojdycz’s first reason makes plenty of sense, but his goal of gaining publicity from this stunt seems to be failing. Interviews with Rutgers students revealed that people do not even realize it is the hockey team that is skating by them around campus.

“That was the hockey team?” perplexed freshman Alex Rodgers asked. “There were like, 6 skinny dudes that could barely stay upright on a small stretch of ice. That’s our hockey team?”

Junior Allie Marshall was quoted as saying that “[she] thought that they were a bunch of twelve-year-old girls skating with their dads” when the team passed by her.
Despite their shortcomings so far, we have to expect that these practices will help out the team in the long run. As Coach Gojdycz put it: “Well, we certainly can’t get much worse, can we?”