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Eli Manning Swapped for Dumber, Uglier Version of Himself

By: Flick Booger

East Rutherford – In a strange twist of events a look alike of Eli Manning has been picked as the starting quarterback of the New York Giants. The news broke early Tuesday morning, as the clear blue sky opened up above the Giants training facility above East Rutherford, New Jersey. However, what should have happened was for the sky to turn blood red. This can be said because Eli Manning and his career have been publicly axed. Until now, no one knew who he was, or how he got there. He just randomly showed up because he claims he won a Eli Manning look-alike contest back in high school. Giants’ General Manager, Dave Gettleman, says that he can’t see the difference between the two. His father calls him the next best thing. His sister calls him her husband. His mother calls him her lover. The man in question? Daniel Jones from Duke University. 

In what has shaped out to be a situation similar to when the real Buzz Lightyear was packed away in a box by a FAKE Buzz Lightyear at Al’s Toy Barn in Toy Story 2, the news comes as a huge loss for not only New York, but also the sports world in general. Daniel Jones officially took Eli Manning, stuffed him into the Football Hall of Fame, and went to go play with Woody and his other Giants friends. Jones, the 6th overall pick, comes from a football program that is the polar opposite of its basketball program. With last year’s stars Zion Williamson and RJ Barrett actually ready to begin their respective basketball careers, Daniel Jones looks like he just used his white privilege and oddly-similar looks to get his spot on the starting lineup. 

Eli Manning, arguably one of the greater quarterbacks of his generation, is a two-time Super champion, and a two-time Super Bowl MVP. Additionally, he ranks within the top 10 of TDs thrown, and yards received. With such stats backing up the aging quarterback, you can only wonder whether or not Gettleman and crew were smoking long doobies one Sunday evening when they made this decision. Daniel Jones has a long road ahead of him. With already a 0-2 season, there is not too much room for error. At this point, going 0-16 would look a lot better than 1-15. The Giants definitely need to reconsider their draft pick and get their heads straight. Many people are already showing their concern, with one fan saying, “I dread the second coming of Jesus less than this”. At the Medium, we wish Daniel Jones all the bad luck ahead of him.