Grow Out Your Fucking Hair
BY Stephen Galante
We all have that friend who has so much potential stored in the roots of their skull. That one friend who could walk among the greats with luscious locks springing next to their ears. I have this one friend who is this guy, we’ll call him Jim. My friend refuses to let his hair grow passed the first layer of his skin. His pasty scalp could be used to guide ships into docks at the midnight hour but instead he looks like a nearly shaved tennis ball when he returns from his barber. His hair, when seen, is a viscous jet black. It reflects the light in a way comparable to ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. A modern marvel constrained by the teeth of his set of clippers, further vandalized by the sharp edge of a razor and possibly a drunk and blind haircutter. I would love for his follicles to serve a purpose. A dark mane of hair against his pale skin would parallel classic symbols of balance and unity. His current tennis ball hair is just a crime against humanity.
I Need to Keep My Hair Short
BY Jim Rockland
On the other hand, we all have that other friend whose hair looks like it’s been growing since ‘Nam. By now it looks like a paintbrush from a first grade art class and the only treatment is to kill it with fire. That friend is me, I am Jim. You can kind of see what I’m going for, but everyone would rather I take an axe to it so we can stop staring. My hair gets tangled up in knots that even the Boy Scouts don’t understand. I constantly have change stuck in my hair due to people mistaking me for a homeless person when I don’t keep it close to my head. I could charge rent for the family of canaries taking residence in my curly afro. Basically when I grow my hair out, I look like a hairball made love with a tumbleweed that rolled around in shit. I look like a smacked ass. If Donald Trump’s toupee and a dingle berry had a test tube baby mixed in feces and piss that would be my hair grown out. That’s why I don’t grow it out, because I don’t want to look like a fucking pile of hairy turds.
My fellow Americans, I would like to preface this speech with a heartfelt congratulations to the Republican nominee and *take deep breath Hillary, you can do this* winner of the 2016 Presidential Election, Donald J. *stands for jerk* Trump. I, of course, will concede the victory to him, and this in no way has affected my ambition to help this country to my best ability. I will continue to wo- GOD DAMN IT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT YOU PEOPLE ARE SUCH MORONS! ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP AND WHAT DO YOU GO AND DO? THAT! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME AGAIN AMERICA?! ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IN THE WHITE HOUSE AS SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SMOKING HOT BITCHIN’ FIRST LADY BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU GOTTA ELECT THE ONLY MAN IN THE COUNTRY THAT IS ACTUALLY DOWNGRADING HIS LIFESTYLE TO LIVE THERE? DO YOU THINK HE’S GONNA PAY TAXES ON THAT SHIT? THE GUY WON’T EVEN SPEND MONEY ON A DECENT TOUPEE. MY HAIR WOULD BE THE GREATEST HAIR A LEADER HAS HAD SINCE YOUNG STALIN! AM I TELLING IT LIKE IT IS YET, AMERICA? FUCK IT, I’M MOVING TO NORTH KOREA, I’LL SEND YOU ALL AN EMAIL WHEN I GET THERE, HOPE I DON’T DELETE IT FIRST.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Folks, it is bad. It is sooo bad. Let me tell you. This country, and this is a tremendous country by the way, is going to bad places, people. I’ve had thousands of people come up to me since yesterday, and they say, “Donald, how could you let crooked Hillary Clinton steal this election from you, you should really do something about that nasty woman.” Let me tell you, if this election was not RIGGED, this country would have elected the correct candidate, let me tell you, I am the right president *wait for hordes of people to stop applauding and chanting your beautiful name*. Now folks, I know that all of you are upset, and believe me, I am so upset, you have never met anyone more upset than me, but I can also back down like a man, and I am a man, big league. That is why I want you people to go out there and keep this thing going, we are still in this people. I am NOT saying that we should march on Washington, but let me just say, there was a guy that did that a long time ago in the 60’s, and people loved that remember? I’m not saying I’m Martin Luther King, but the blacks do love me, folks. But I will say people, the Second Amendment people could take care of Hillary, if you know what I mean. Folks, let me tell you, I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that we should make our own America, even though it would be way better than the America that Hillary is going to turn this one into, because let’s face it people, if I left the country, none of the good people would be left here to stop Hillary. People, no matter what the lying media tells you, I am the real president.