1) Take it easy on yourself
“Congrats, you got through college. Whoop tee doo. So, yeah go ahead and take a break. Just remember that things will catch up to you, and if your biceps aren’t prepared you could be caught in unfortunate situations. *hugh*
2) Work hard
*grunt* “Look, life won’t take it easy on you. In fact, your life is just going to get harder from here. The trick is to always look at the future and the benefits that your work will eventually achieve, like a nice juicy pickle.”
3) Work out biceps
“You had a free gym membership for 4 years and I can bet my prized horseshoe crab that you didn’t take that opportunity, you sad sack. Well you better get to work, son.” *FUCK!*
4) Prepare for disappointment
“There will be times when you will be working hard and nobody will appreciate what you’ve done. But you gotta keep at it, because someone has to put pickles on the table for the family”
5) Keep your mind open to alternatives
*HUUUUURGH* “Sometimes, things just aren’t going to work out. You have to learn to let things go and try something else” *FUCK!* *DICK!* *ASS!*
Have you ever sat in class with an emptiness in your gut, an aching in your groin, and your muscles quivering from the mornings workout? Leg Day or “Put it in My Ass Day,” as I like to call it, is dreaded by most gym bros, but to me the squat rack is my temple. Placing the bar on my upper back puts me into a trance. I dip low into the squat, imagining my sphincter being dipped in honey. Every exhale empties my life force into the atmosphere.
Hours later, I sit in class with blood flowing through my muscles; my breath keeping rhythm with my heartbeat. My mind recalls the glistening pecs of the man whose face I’d love to plunder with my rectum. The thought’s making my grundle pulse, teasing me of a time when my jeans fit comfortably.
I fidget in my chair desperately attempting to lend my ear to the bag of bones lecturing the class. His eyes like a window to the bluest of skies, curtained by the last remaining strands of his balding head. His voice evolves into a symphony whose notes were precisely chosen for my ears. I cannot refuse him. The inside of my mouth grows moist and my chest as tight as a newborns anus. I am drowning in my hunger for his bones. I need his skeletal fingers to part my ass cheeks like Moses did the Red Sea. His tongue be the Israelites upon my sea floor. I read his liver spots like a Rorschach test, he wants it too. My tongue grazes my lips in an attempt to taste his decaying flesh.
I stand from my chair, all eyes in the room gazing in awe in my direction. Murmurs from the crowd pollute his ancient symphony, which grows louder with every step toward his body. Beads of sweat accumulate on my forehead; my breath sharper and deeper. My mind knows of the sins I am committing, but all the blood in my body has rushed to my throbbing member. It’s leg day after all. I stand above his body, the silhouette of my cock pressed against my Levi jeans. I hear screams from the room as I embrace his beautiful head. A surge of fluid soils the blue of my jeans. My legs are weak and my body limp. The fog of leg day lust quickly disperses and I realize I am not in class, I am at my grandfather’s funeral.
BY Randy Butternubs
Swole Anxiety Disorder – Responding to one’s own lack of sufficient gains with feelings of fear and panic that the $120 whey protein may not be working.
Post Thursday Smashed Disorder – Chronic inability to go out to bars on a Friday night because that total pussy got too hungover.
Ornithia Nervosa – Fearful tendency that one’s buffalo wings need increasingly more sriracha.
Antisocial Benching Disorder – Having little concern for others waiting to get their lifting in after you on the bench. I mean, c’mon bro!
Syphophrenia – Grandeur belief that no woman will have sex with you because they think they aren’t good enough for you, when in reality, it’s because you are obviously infected with syphilis.
I’m Making Gains
BY Rambo Gio
It’s been a month now, and I swear these muscles are just getting bigger and bigger now. Like look at these guns, they even now start to bulge and stretch out my shirts. And I know you can’t see my abs right now, but I swear they are growing in. If I took off my shirt right now, I swear that all girls in the room would begin to fawn over me, and all these bros would immediately hit the gym to work on getting these same gains. Hell, I can even feel my jeans now sticking to my thighs like a second layer of skin, that’s how big they are getting. From a measly 125 pounds to a good 150 pounds now, I am able to get these gains in just a month and I am going to continue to with them and achieve insane Brolic-levels.
No, You’re Just a Fucking Fat Ass
BY Rambo Gio’s Body
Alright, just fucking quit talking because you’re literally killing me right now. The only gains you have been making is in the fat percentage. Those twenty-five pounds you gained? Just pure human blubber. In fact I think whatever small amount of muscles you had prior to you starting to work out has just transformed into more fat. The only reason you can’t fit in your clothes anymore is because you have gained several inches of flab around your entire body. And if you took off your shirt, people would actually hurl and there would have to be a mass evacuation in this room. How does anyone even healthfully gain twenty-five pounds in a month? How can you be so daft? And you definitely aren’t headed towards becoming like Broly, at best you would become Yajirobe or Mr. Popo.
Quit thinking you have been making any gains and give me a break. An entire pizza, two hamburgers, and a mega-sized Slurpee doesn’t count as a post workout meal if you eat that same shit every night. Do you know how much your asshole cries every time you start eating? Get it through your fat-fuckhead and realize that your anus literally cannot take this abuse anymore.