Tag Archives: global warming

Rutgers Researchers Have Officially Stopped Global Warming

Yes, it’s over. Feel free to use two straws in each drink, drive around just for fun, and throw those water bottles in the regular trash guilt-free. Rutgers scientists have figured out the solution to global warming.

“It actually wasn’t that difficult. We developed the process in a matter of months and it’s fairly simple.” said PhD student Ronald McDonald. “We built a machine that can take carbon dioxide out of the air and shove it up people’s asses. All we need to do is mass produce these relatively inexpensive machines and get enough volunteers to hook it up to their butt and let the machine do the rest. It’s painless and quite effective. It also poses no threat to the human body. The only side effect we have found is a significant increase in sex drive” McDonald said.
If they can produce 1000 machines and find enough volunteers, the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere will remain constant. Any more machines than that will slowly lower the level.

“I am so proud of what this lab has accomplished. I’ve already sucked over 1 liter of carbon dioxide up my ass and that’s just the start. After I take my next shit I’m gonna go right back to the machine. Then I’m gonna go home and plow my wife!” exclaimed Professor King Burger.

The scientists predict that the carbon dioxide level in the atmosphere should be back to normal within a few years. This is exciting news, and if it works as planned we may save the planet for generations to come. “I cannot express enough gratitude to everyone involved in this project. This is just one part of the life-changing work we do here at Rutgers. I can’t wait to join in and stick some carbon dioxide right up my fun hole” said Rutgers President Robert Barchi.

Inclement Weather Due to Legendary Pokemon Battle

By, Ass Ketchup

Gotta Catch ‘em All

Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the man-made overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the Tri-State Area.

Most of the melee was happening in less populated, obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a  charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes.

Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem of this part of the world. Whenever Ho-Oh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.”

Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.

Trump Sabotages Solar Industry in Hopes for More Snow Days

By Sawyer Masshole
Likes Mass Holes

NEW BRUNSWICK— On Monday, President Trump approved a new set of tariffs for imported solar cells supposedly intended to reduce competition for domestic manufacturers, starting at a 30% rate and
descending thereafter.

“Years ago, China made a bad deal–not like any of my own deals, this was bad, bad, no good– and they subsidized solar panel factories,” Trump explained, “which was surprisingly stupid for such a smart people.”

“China’s factories accidentally flooded the market,” said Blanche Wasp, one of Trump’s economic advisors. “That sent the price of solar panels from over $1000 down to $200.”

Some critics label this tariff as ambiguous in its intentions. “It looks like it’ll help American solar panel producers, but it’s just going to raise the price and make solar less affordable again,” commented John J. Johnson, Jr., a sophomore in RBS. “And you know Tesla’s solar roof tiles won’t be cheap!”

These criticisms are validated by the fact that, despite bipartisan congressional appeals, Trump has not included climate change as a major security threat in his administration’s national security strategy.
“Of course I don’t want ‘global warming’,” explained the President last week from his Mar-a-lago golf club resort, “because then I wouldn’t get my snow days! And Mar-a-lago would get too sweaty and swampy!”

President Trump made his announcement after his routine weekends at the White House just before he boarded his jumbo jet plane to spend his weekdays golfing in Florida.

Trump Environmental Team Warns “The Air” Greatest Threat To World’s Water Supply

Mr. Midwest
Suspiciously Nice

WASHINGTON—Trump’s EPA Transition Team held a long-awaited press conference today to outline their plans and concerns for the next four years. The conference, however, came with a grave message for the masses.

“We’re here today with a serious warning for the American people. We believe that we have uncovered the greatest issue facing our environment— the water crisis. Forget the Global Warming myth. Forget pollution from, uh, factories and garbage and whatnot. Forget whatever that Flint, Michigan thing was. We have never seen a threat of this magnitude,” the Speaker of the Transition Team delivered in a most somber tone.

The threat in question? — The Air. After pouring through vast amounts of data, the transition team has concluded that while pollution and other issues might compromise the cleanliness of the world’s water supply, they don’t quite “steal it, like The Air does.”

Every single day, evaporation is taking place over the entire planet. In the world’s oceans alone, evaporation accounts for the loss of 425,000 cubic kilometers of water per year. That’s roughly 1,400 cubic kilometers (or 1,400,000,000,000,000 liters) of water lost to The Air each day on Earth. The Transition Team also emphasized the threat to the average American consumer, stating that the typical backyard pool loses about a quarter-inch in depth of water each day to evaporation.

This is water that pool owners are directly paying for, emphasized the Transition Team Speaker. “Now how much is that? Like a whole bottle or something? Me and my wife, we usually buy those big packs from Costco— you know, it’s like forty bottles for three bucks? That means the average family is losing like, uh, maybe a dollar each week… Well, you can to do the math. But whatever the case, that’s money gone with the wind, pun intended,” he said, which was followed with a chuckle from the rest of the Transition Team.

When the Q&A portion arrived, a reporter for The Medium inquired what was going to be done about this water crisis, but the press conference ended before a response could be provided.

These Bureaucratic Hippies Have Gone Too Far!

 

Recently, Rutgers University has silently been replacing the functional urinals with ones that cannot flush. This is in addition to how the students lost paper towels in bathrooms, and trays in dining halls. This epidemic is not confined to the university, with air blowing hand “dryers” being commonplace, for example. This must be fought against.

Air dryers would be fine, if it wasn’t for the fact that they don’t even dry your hands! If you use a bathroom with them, you wash your hands, then use the blow dryer, which spreads harmful bathroom bacteria, and wipe your hands on your clothes so that your hands will actually be dry. We cannot continue to buy expensive bacteria spreaders for our bathrooms!

Similarly, the waterless urinals have sanitation issues of their own. As difficult as this might be to believe, we should not be going out of our way to strengthen the odor of piss that plagues university bathrooms! It also encourages men to not flush actual toilets, because these urinals spread the message that doing so is environmentally dangerous. More importantly, these God-forsaken urinals spread the message that human health is worthless. Next time you use a toilet and there’s a steaming pile of shit already there, you know what paved the way for such despicable behavior.

Other environmental issues are fought against in ways that inconvenience people in general. Separating trash and recycling is prejudiced, for example. My brother identifies as trashkin, and the separation triggers him. We might as well travel around campus and paint all the ducks a uniform color! Abolishing trays in dining halls forces you to either take multiple trips, risk dropping your plates, or limit the amount of food you consume. The latter suggestion is inexcusable considering how overpriced dining halls generally are. These actions waste seconds, and over the years, they add up to minutes! Minutes that could be used with self pleasure! And nothing beats that. We can’t give up masturbation,! We must instead give up environmentalism. What has the Earth ever done for us, anyway? Life is overrated.