Tag Archives: fruits

Fruits Ranked from Most to Least Fuckable

#30- Small fruits: Automatic disqualification for fruits smaller than your dick. Which I suppose might be smaller than average assuming you’re desperate enough to fuck a fruit.
Honorable Mention- Bananas: While you can’t put your dick in it, you can put it up your ass, and in some cases that’s almost as good. Also an honorable mention because bananas are actually berries (not that that’ll stop me from putting anything on this godforsaken listicle)
#26- Durian: Literally the worst. Spiky, smelly, and what the fuck is all that shit on the inside? Stay the fuck away.
#25- Pineapple: Spiky and its juices will digest your dick. Seriously, stay away from the demon fruit unless you’re incredibly masochistic.
#24- Jackfruit: Same problems as the durian, it’s spiky and got a weird inside.
#23- Custard Apple: I’ve never seen this before, but it looks similar to a durian, just less spiky on the inside. I think this ranks as “unusable”, but if anyone wants to give it a try, be my guest.
#22- Passion fruit: Your dick probably wouldn’t fit in here and even so the texture’s probably pretty weird. It only makes the list so I could make a pun about the word “passion”.
#21- Avocados: These things are technically fruits, but just barely. This fucking thing wouldn’t even work, you’ve gotta cut it open to get the seed out and at that point it’s already worthless. Just keep your sweaty dick out of this one and ask your mom to make some guac out of it. Apricots have the same problem, just don’t bother.
#20- Carambola: What the fuck is a carambola? Honestly, this might be worse than an avocado because of its weird shape, I’m just putting it up here because at least I know avocados and I can’t be fucked to rewrite anything. Just like you can’t be fucked by a normal human being, fruit freak. Actually, lump cherimoyas in here too, I don’t know what it is but it’s probably terrible.
#19- Pomegranate: This is literally just a giant seed pod. Maybe you could get some pleasure out of the friction? Probably not.
#18- Papaya: Their skin’s a little thicker than pomegranates, so it might be alright if you’ve got a micropenis. Of course, everything else below is probably better in every respect, so just make a smoothie or something out of the papaya and try to control your depraved urges
#17- Nectarine: Texture’s probably on par with melons if you microwave them, but it also has that giant seed inside, don’t even bother.
#16- Plum: Goddamn, what is with all these fruits having giant pits in the middle?
#15- Peach: Has the same problem as the nectarine and plum. It only outranks it because of the connotations attached to peaches.
#14- Coconuts: Big enough, but it’s got a weird texture and it’s also hollow.
#13- Apples. This one’s not great, it’s small and the flesh is incredibly hard. Just eat it, maybe do something healthy for once.
#12- Pear: Pretty much the same as an apple, except it looks like a ballsack. Mentally rearrange the two if that’s not what you’re into.
#11- Breadfruit: Again, I don’t know what the fuck this is. I’m just assuming it’s better than an apple.
#10- Figs: I have actually never eaten a fig before. It’s probably not much better than an apple, but it’s probably not worse either. I’d tell you to contact me if you try this out and determine an actual, experimental order, but chances are I don’t want to know you if you’re the kind of person who does this.
#9- Orange: So you could probably microwave this and cut a hole in it and fuck that? I’m not sure exactly how well it would work what with the slices and all, I’d just recommend eating an orange instead of trying to fuck it. Actually, I’d recommend eating any of these, but that’s not what you’re here for. You sick fuck.
#8- Kiwi: Skin might be a bit uncomfortable, but the texture probably feels alright. Of course, far superior to fucking a fruit would be fucking a New Zealander, but there’s no way a kiwi that isn’t a literal fruit would let you within 100 meters.
#7- Pummelo: Again, I don’t know what this is, it kind of looks like a colorblind kid tried to color in a picture of an orange. It’s decently sized though, so it’s probably alright.
#6- Mango: A bit small, but probably won’t be a problem. I’ve never microwaved one of these so I don’t know how that affects the texture, but it probably has a similar feeling as some more standard fruits. If  you’re too cheap to buy a melon, a mango is probably fine.
#5- Cantaloupe: I’m sure you can’t elope if you’re trying to figure out what fruit to fuck. Seriously, just use your hand like a goddamn normal person, freak.
#4- Honeydew Melon: Probably about the same as the cantaloupe, but it’s green so that automatically puts it on top.
#3- Watermelon: Has anyone tried to fuck a watermelon ever? It would be hard to microwave, but if you’re reading, you might be able to become the first person to fuck a watermelon.
#2- Grapefruits: Old reliable. I assume most of you reading this have already tried this, but it’s a classic and I couldn’t justify not putting it all the way at #2.
#1- Elton John

The Farmer’s Market in Our Backyard

BY Kevin Marceski

Screen Shot 2015-11-13 at 1.12.51 PMEvery Thursday morning, Douglass campus is delivered a fantastic bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables sold at dirt cheap (pun intended) prices courtesy of the New Brunswick Community Farmers Market. The NBCFM is a joint partnership between Rutgers, Johnson & Johnson, and the City of New Brunswick that brings fresh, high-quality produce right onto our campus at a fraction of the price you’d see in many of the local grocery stores in town. The market is run almost exclusively out of Pop’s Farm, a local farm located in Monroe Township that has an extraordinary selection of produce from garlic to cabbage, radishes and broccoli, apples of every variety you’ve ever seen (and then some!), and all the leafy greens you could want! Past week’s markets have even featured Benson’s Barbeque, a local favorite, grilling up ribs and chicken to satisfy your inner carnivore. All of these options come at an extreme bargain too, which is always a plus for that college sized hole in your wallet. For less than $8 you can stock up on an entire week’s worth of vegetables that would otherwise cost you twice as much at Bravo. But the greatness that is the NBCFM doesn’t end with us as students. The New Brunswick Community Farmers Market is so much more than just a sweet deal for Cook/Douglass students; their official mission is as follows:

The New Brunswick Community Farmers Market exists in order to provide high-quality food for members of the community who are at risk of hunger and lack of access to healthy foods. By purchasing from our market vendors, you are supporting our mission to provide a place where families can buy fresh, locally-grown fruits, vegetables, and healthy products.

Screen Shot 2015-11-13 at 1.12.58 PMYou see, New Brunswick is what we would call a food desert—an area, often a city or densely populated area, where dietary options are restricted to few, if any healthy choices. Most of the food available in these areas are processed, fast foods that remain popular out of necessity both geographic and economic.

The few options that tout healthier selections are often far more expensive than their unhealthy counterparts, providing further incentive to remain on a diet of fatty, processed foods. New Brunswick fits this model to a T, where even Chipotle is a contender for one of its healthiest options.

The Farmers Market brings a healthier option to the table at a much lower cost than any of its relative com petitors, and they do it in a way that helps even those most disenfranchised from buying healthier choices make that change. The Market has developed a system in coordination with the SNAP program to help those with tighter budgets include even more fruits and vegetables in their diets. For every $10 spent using SNAP/EBT, WIC, or Senior Farmers Market Checks, customers get an additional $5 to spend on anything in the market. At their already low prices, gaining an additional $5 in produce lets members of the community get the most for their money while moving towards a healthier lifestyle. Having an outlet for people to choose healthier foods at prices that won’t cripple their wallets is an essential service for the city of New Brunswick. Just awarded Best in Class by the American Farmland Trust, the NBCFM is well on its way to becoming that outlet. Support from the students of Rutgers means a more prosperous community for us all and if we can do that while enjoying a crisp apple on a windy day, I’d say it’s worth it.

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