Tag Archives: ESPN

Stephen A Smith to Campaign for 2020 Presidency Just so he can Run his Mouth

By Ivan Yakinoff
Prefers Undisputed

BRISTOL, CN—As Black History Month is halfway complete, Stephen A. Smith, the furious outspoken host of ESPN’s First Take and as well as the main expert on all black athlete’s issues, has announced that will be running as a Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections.

Smith made the sudden announcement on the show while yelling at the top of his lungs. While he and Max Kellerman were talking about wether the black athletes who compete in the Winter Olympics were blacker than Russell Wilson, Smith, just feeling touched by the seriousness of the topic, announced that he will be leaving First Take to engage in more serious conversations.

Although he left the crowd stunned in silence and just wondering what these serious conversations were, in classic ear bleeding Stephen A. Smith style, he announced his plans to run for president.

While many believe his decision to run for president is so he can fight for the issues facing minorities today, many sources close to him say his real reason is to just give have another outlet to run his mouth. “If Stephen tells you his decision to run was based out of fighting injustice, it’s truly just a load of bullshit. He really doesn’t care about that. His mouth is just an attention whore and he just wants to run it more on national TV.” said an anonymous friend of his.

“Stephen’s mouth has a mind of his own. Ever since Skip Bayless left, it’s fallen into a wormhole of depression and it’s believed that the only cure is a diarrhea of the mouth death fight with Donald Trump.” said Momma Smith.

When confronted, Stephen went on a big rant and denied everything. Listening to him rambling on for a hour straight, though we tried our best, the Medium could not get any quotes from him as we all went deaf listening to him. We’ll get back to you after our ENT visit.

Trump Fills Out Uber-White Jai Alai Tournament Bracket Over NCAA Tournament

BY Throb Lowe
Dropped as a Child

WASHINGTON D.C.— Rather than participate in the annual tournament that unites the nation, Trump has elected to make picks in the World Cup of Jai Alai over the NCAA March Madness tournament.

During a White House press conference a confused and sweaty Sean Spicer told the press “more people pay attention to Jai Alai than they do to college basketball. The numbers show that more people attend the World Cup of Jai Alai than they do the NAACP basketball tournament, and that’s a fact.”

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LIVIN’ THE JAI-LIFE Trump taking another break from “running” the country

The World Cup of Jai Alai, hosted at a private estate in Moscow, is set to begin two days after the NCAA basketball tournament ends, giving Trump almost no excuse not to participate. Rather than choosing Duke or Syracuse to win his bracket, the President reportedly chose Jon Denning to win the WCJA.

In a diarrhetic middle-of-the-night stream of tweets Trump informed the people that “Basketball is failing! Jai Alai is a $3.2 billion dollar industry, NCAA has never come close! SAD.”

ESPN analysts didn’t know what to make of Trump’s prediction of an early round fall of Timofy Carcello because not a single analyst knew who that was. In fact, a total of four employees at ESPN knew what Jai Alai was.

Rutgers Alumni on Their Takeover of Superbowl LI

BY Maximum Powers
Hates Carrots

PISCATAWAY— The Super Bowl teams have been decided and it appears that it will be the New England Nationalists against the Atlanta Really Really Fast Birdies. While this outcome surprised absolutely no one, what did surprise sports fans was that Rutgers held the symbolic award for most athletes participating in the championship game. Between New England and Atlanta a staggering number of 5 players got their start as Scarlet Knights, twenty percent more than the next three colleges behind them.

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The Big…Something I can’t read Roman Numerals The five Rutgers Alumni who are showing that we don’t all suck

Despite naysayers claiming that this is the result of pure coincidence and is in no way reflective of Rutgers Football’s quality as a program, the university has wasted no time and made announcements praising the football program for it’s great recruiting and training of top class football players. Rutgers Football Coach Pat Hobbs told The Medium, “Of course Rutgers alumni would be all over Super Bowl LI. I remember turning on the TV, seeing these kids play back when they were freshmen and saying to the guys next to me ‘Why are we watching Rutgers? Notre Dame is playing on ESPN2.’”

As the administration provided no answers, many turned to the athletes themselves to inquire how attending Rutgers translated into a successful football career. While most were unable to comment on how Rutgers helped in their success, Logan Ryan had given the question a lot of thought and told The Medium “[Rutgers] was like playing football in five feet of pudding. It’s not until you have a competent team backing you up that you realize that this football thing is really easy. I remember as soon as I left the Scarlet Knights it felt like I had taken fifty pound weights off my legs.”

Hobbs had no comment for Ryan’s hypothesis, but told The Medium,“All we know is that Rutgers clearly has the best recruiting out of any college in the U.S. and have no need to ever change the way we do things.”

Conor McGregor Wants to Fight Donald Trump

BY Mike Hawk
In Love With Coco

NEW YORK—For those of you who don’t know, Conor McGregor became the first ever UFC fighter to hold two championship titles at the same time this Sunday, a feat that has never before been achieved by anyone in the UFC.

Conor McGregor has always had a cocky personality so naturally this gave him an even bigger head than he has ever had before. During McGregor’s crowning as the new featherweight champion he took the time to speak his mind.

“I have ridiculed the entire roster and I want to take this opportunity to apologize to absolutely nobody.”

McGregor took this time to express his dismay with the election results from last week Tuesday. “I would like to take this time to call out my next opponent. Donald Trump has been voted this year’s biggest shit-talker and I want one more title under my belt. I challenge Donald Trump to a full timed UFC match, no weight restrictions. Winner gets ultimate bragging rights to being the world’s biggest douche.”

Donald Trump is no stranger to the entertainment biz and this could prove to be an amazing business venture for him. He even starred in a fight of the WWE.

We reached out to Donald Trump but could not get a hold of the new President-elect.

Based off of his previous decisions we think it is safe to say that he will take on McGregor seeing as he gets paid either way the fight goes, however, if he wins it would be considered his greatest achievement ever.

Rutgers Football Ranked Below Trump University

BY Mike Hawk
Most Likely to smile

PISCATAWAY—This past week on ESPN, the NCAA released the recent rankings of all college football teams. This was an extensive, well thought out list that was concluded by polls that took into the account of all coaches as well as some analysts.

Our analysts here at The Medium took a look at the list and our very own Scarlet Knights are ranked at 129th place. That is directly below the famed Trump University. We have reached out to a spokesperson for Trump University asking how they managed to gain a spot on the NCAA rankings for football teams when they do not possess one.

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TRUST ME Trump towers, the practice area for the football team

“We here at Trump University expect nothing but the best from our staff. We will be the best non football having team this country has ever seen. No other college will be better at not having a football team than us, no one; I can promise you that.”

Although the university spokesperson did not answer our question, it was clear that he was very passionate about being the greatest non-team having sports team this great nation has ever seen. Trump University will do everything in its power to make college football great again. We should do our part as the Scarlet Knights to help as well as chant “Lock up Penn State” this Saturday.

Browns Land Trifecta, ESPN Bias Multiplies

BY Rebellious John Clayton
Slayer Enthusiast

Bristol, CT—Over the years, ESPN has been criticized for its overt love and coverage of specific players, especially LeBron James, Tim Tebow and Johnny Manziel.

Unfortunately for ESPN viewers, the Cleveland Browns signed all three players Sunday, and the Network is set to pounce.

New Browns head coach Hue Jackson reportedly convinced the trio to help rebuild the team, though Tebow consistently ranked as one of the worst quarterbacks in the league during his brief tenure. James knows he cannot deliver an NBA title to Cleveland, so he will try his hand in the NFL. Manziel was reportedly in disguise as someone with his life together during the signing.

The ESPN studio is preparing for the upcoming Browns season by scrapping all Network programming in favor of round-the-clock coverage of Tebow, Manziel and James as opposed to the current model, which features only nine-tenths of the clock coverage.

“Oh man, you should have seen how animated everybody in the studio was today,” said senior ESPN President John Skipper after news of the signings broke. “I’m not using an expression here; everyone was just jerking off like elated freaks in the middle of the office. All that pent-up sexual frustration was released all over the place after the big news. It’s great to see our employees are as invested in our business as the executives.”

ESPN is going so far as to reportedly change the name of some of its channels. The four new confirmed channels are “ESPN At Night: Manziel Party Edition,” “Home-cooking with LeBron,” “Sunday Mass with Timmy,” and “The Non-Browns Network for only 15 Minutes”.

Though the moves seems bold, ESPN has proven if anyone can sacrifice journalistic values in favor of garbage news about celebrities, it’s them.

Mark Jackson ‘Only Low-key Upset’ About The Warriors

BY Rebellious John Clayton
Recently Retired

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“Sad Boi” Mark Jackson is pretty bad at lying. It’s hard not to sympathize with him after The Warrior’s end to 2015

OAKLAND, CA— Former Warriors head coach Mark Jackson was always going to be in a tough spot after getting fired two seasons ago. Jackson knew full well what his roster was capable of and it more likely than not augmented the pain of watching his former team close out the season as NBA Champions last season.

As tough as the championship was to handle, the Warriors appear to be unstoppable right now and are off to the greatest start in NBA history. A recent interview with the former head coach revealed how he was handling the frustrations of his situation.

“You know what? You’d assume I’d be incredibly upset at this situation, but I’m honestly not,” Jackson claimed. “I’d be a liar if I claimed that it wasn’t kind of tough to watch last year, sure. But I’m just so proud of those guys and Steve Kerr. They really deserved it and I’m totally at peace with it, even though it looks like Steve has a roster loaded with the talent to win multiple championships for the foreseeable future.”

After lying through his teeth for thirty more minutes, the cameras turned off. Mark Jackson threw his chair out a glass window and cursed Steve Kerr for “stealing my fucking roster and harvesting the fruits of my labor. You lucky son-of-a-bitch!”

Jackson then proceeded to sprint and jump headfirst down a large flight of stairs in an incredible display of rage and frustration resulting in complete disregard for potential self-harm.

“AAHHHHHH!!! AHHHAHAHAH! ARGHHHHHHAHA!!!” Jackson yelped.

“It was sort of like that scene in Breaking Bad where Walt realizes Skyler gave his money to Ted and has that dark, terrifying fit of laughter in his crawlspace,” announced the cameraman present for Jackson’s interview.