Tag Archives: cry

How to Improve Your Tinder Profile

BY Latin Mama

I have been frequenting Tinder (strictly for scientific research, of course), and I came up with some ways to improve your profile in no time, and ultimately, get laid!

1. Show a picture of you making out with your dog, tongue and all. Everyone wants to know that there is a possibility that they may contract worms from kissing you, so tell Fluffy to pucker up for a selfie!

2. Don’t smile in any of your pictures. What, do you want them thinking that you’re some kind of a pussy with feelings?! Put on some brass knuckles and the best Resting Bitch Face you can muster.

3. List any awards you’ve ever won. Simple: achievements=sexy. Never won any awards? Well we all have at least won those trophies in T-ball because “everyone is a winner,” so, what the hell—throw that in to bulk up your list a bit.

4. Be honest and list your worst habit. Come on, they’re going to find out sooner or later anyway, so might as well be transparent from the beginning. Cackle during Friends re-runs? Cry after sex? Honesty is key!

5. State your penis size, not your height. Stop beating around the bush (;p) and tell everyone what they really wanna know! Even Peter Dinklage is loaded, so height is therefore irrelevant.

15 STEPS TO NOT HATE YOURSELF

Want to stop hating yourself? Maybe this will help.

1) Don’t cry.

2) Try REALLY hard not to cry

3) Cry Anyway

4) Sniffle for a few hours afterwards

5) Masturbate for a few more hours

6) Wallow in your post masturbatory shame

7) Bust out the Jagermeister

8) Liberally apply Jagermeister to face area

9) Cry again

10) Masturbate again

11) Ignore all calls from friends trying to help you

13) Skip Step 12

14) Pretend to get over it

15) Repeat until you can’t feel.