Tag Archives: creative writing

English Student Writes about Writer’s Block, Thinks he’s Profound

By Heywood Jablomi

Sick of this idiot yet?

 

Brandon Smith, sophomore, spent a solid hour sitting in front of a blank google drive document last week, “waiting for inspiration”. Not realizing that being in an entry-level creative writing class meant his paper could be borderline incoherent and his classmates would still be forced to find praise for it, he wanted to go above and beyond for his next assignment. He imagined submitting the first part of a grand insight into the human mind, a meta-narrative on the creative process itself, something that would last for generations.

Unfortunately, he was writing checks that his clearly stunted creativity couldn’t catch. In his caffeine-fueled stupor, he made the grave mistake of thinking the first idea to pop into his head was even worth considering, and decided to write about writer’s block. Somehow, Brandon missed the memo that every creative writing student in history has had this idea, and the only ones that found success in later classes were the ones with the common sense to scrap it. Brandon fumbled on through his story, infused it with transparent metaphors, quoted generic writers, and just barely hit the word minimum before going to sleep with a misplaced sense of triumph.

Two days later, Brandon came to class with his freshly printed story, expecting to wow the entire class. Instead, he found that someone else in his group had produced almost the exact same story, the same plot about writer’s block with the same weak metaphors and the same overused structure. After both writers refused to comment, we asked the professor for his thoughts. “This is pretty standard, we see it a few times a year. The first time it happened, I almost had them written up for plagiarism, but the stories were just barely different enough for me to give them the benefit of the doubt. From then on, I just let it happen. I’m tired as hell of reading it, sure, but at least they’re always short.”

It’s not all downhill for Brandon, though. One of his classmates posted snippets of his story on r/im14andthisisdeep, and it’s rocketed to the best of the week section and might even break the first page for best of the month. A hollow victory for sure, but at least there’s a place for writers like Brandon.

Local Idiot Tries to Fight all of Literary History, Loses

By Heywood Jablomi
Bad Writing Enthusiast

NEW BRUNSWICK — Deep in the dungeons of Murray Hall reside the creative writing students, most of them a couple commas short of a full sentence. They spend a lot of their time endlessly distracted by anything they can get their hands on or chugging energy drinks, but occasionally they focus for long enough to produce a mostly-complete short story.

Many of them are content to write whatever they can think of, maybe give it a proofread if they aren’t sleep-deprived to the point of being brain dead, then turn it in, but occasionally someone wants something more. Every once in a while, someone will think of something that they think hasn’t been done before. If they’re lucky, then they just don’t know who had the idea first, but some aren’t so fortunate. What the students don’t realize is that if something hasn’t been done in the hundreds of years that humans have been writing novels, it hasn’t been done for a reason.

Of those, some will have a rare moment of clarity and scrap the bad idea entirely. Some will even realize they’ve been trapped for weeks and search for an exit, only to realize that Murray Hall has been designed to keep them within indefinitely. Unfortunately, some will insist on seeing their project through to the bitter end, not realizing their mistake until it’s time for workshopping.

On workshop day, the student will be tied to a stick and held over a bonfire while their fellows will list of everything they hated about their story. The better the story, the higher their chance of getting out alive. Write something absolutely atrocious, however, and the student runs the risk of being roasted to death.

Such a fate befell a young freshman on a cold February morning, when he failed to realize that writing an avant-garde piece from the
perspective of a villain was an absolutely horrible idea, and spent a half-hour over open flames while his classmates gleefully tore his story to shreds, some of them literally, in front of him before finally succumbing.