By Throbin Williams
Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your late-model sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa.
Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle.
Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold.
Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food.
Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier.
Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom.
Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community.
Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended.
Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heart-shaped candy from Walmart.
Step 1: Travel to the land where the beast lives
Step 2: Track the beast by following foot prints and scents
Step 3: Approach the beast’s lair
Step 4: Coax the beast out with a blend of herbs and spices, saving half your bag for later
Step 5: Slay the beast with the harpoon that has been passed down through your family for ages in anticipation of this quest
Step 6: Carve yourself a large chunk of leg meat from the beast
Step 7: Build medium-small fire log cabin style
Step 8: Place large flat stone atop the burning wood
Step 9: Season chunk of leg meat with reamaining herbs and spices
Step 10: Sear on hot side of the rock
Step 11: Cook until medium rare on cooler side of the rock 3-5 min
Step 12: Drizzle with olive oil and sprinkle with crushed nuts
Step 13: Pair with a glass of beast blood and serve with parsley
Step 1: Receive your paycheck via direct deposit.
Step 2: Think you have a lot more money than you actually do.
Step 3: Open whatever ordering app you have on your phone.
Step 4: Take the next 45 minutes to browse the vast selection of restaurants they have to order from.
Step 5: Choose a restaurant that you’ve never eaten at to order from.
Step 6: Add something that looks tasty to your cart.
Step 7: Immediately second guess your decision and order from the same place you always do.
Step 8: Order two additional items to the one you actually wanted to hit
the delivery minimum.
Step 9: Pay the additional six dollars in delivery fees.
Step 10: Wait for 45 minutes for your food to arrive.
Step 11: Run outside barefoot and in your pj’s to get your food.
Step 12: Don’t skimp on the tip, dicks.