Tag Archives: Christmas

Christmas to be Canceled as Santa put on Sex Offenders Watchlist

By Ivan Yakinoff
I’ve been Yanking off

NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn’t actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn’t exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards.

An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive
amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”.

After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many  of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren’t the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa.

These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don’t understand this urban slang, I’ve decided it’s not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”

Stop the Slaughter of Saplings!

BY Douglas Firfir

Each year, tens of millions of my brethren meet their demise in the name of the commercialist American Christmas holiday. Axemen and sawyers trespass our native forests to mow down scores of spruces, pines, and firs at the trunk, hauling away the carcasses and deracinating their remains.

Trees of all ages are sold off without a cent of reparation to their bereaved families in this complex of industry. Profits benefit the monsters that murder our young without regard and promote the continued subjugation of my race. The arboreal victims are then strapped atop Ford Windstars and brought to suburban houses, where they are roughly pushed through thresholds and covered in tinsel, trinkets, and baubles.

To further this indignity, the abducted trees are erected in living rooms beside heating vents and fireplaces. The carcasses soon dry out and weeks later, the desiccated corpses are thrown to the curb, to be collected and composted in mass-graves.

This mistreatment defies our nature as evergreens, a proud history of growing tall and wide in our old age. But of course even the elders of our tribe aren’t sacred! The great hundred-foot spruces are deposited in your cities for tourists to skate and shuffle by in congested crowds. But we never agreed to be treated as spectacles, cut down and manhandled in defiance of our innate rights.

To quote the horticultural freedom fighter Pamela Isley, I encourage you to be a conscious consumer this season and not participate in “the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December.”

Point/Counterpoint: Christmas

Christmas is the Best!christine.png

BY Christine Johnson

As a Jew, I feel I can objectively assess whether Christmas is great or not. Christmas is the BEST time of year. Can you tell me a bigger birthday celebration for a Jew? Jesus is the man! Hundreds of years later and he is the most celebrated man in the world. The only other people who’s birthdays are holidays are some presidents. With the lights, music, decorations, snow and food, it can’t get better than that. Not to mention, Christmas season is a full two months long.

The birth of Jesus has rocked more than just the religious world, it has significantly impacted the capitalist economy of the western hemisphere. From cards, to movies, to a magical old man delivering presents to all the children of the world, the true Christmas miracle is the creation of major economic markets.

And do not get me started on the beautiful melodies of Christmas music. So much cheer and joy packed into every single measure. And so many bells-I LOVE
BELLS. Bells are something everyone can enjoy.

And most important, eggnog. This thick and creamy beverage just really says Christmas to me. A lot of holiday foods are made of weird combinations of ingredients that just somehow work because of Christmas magic. Eggnog is one of these magical concoctions.


judah.pngChristmas Is the Fucking Worst

BY Judah Yisrolshem

Christmas is the worst fucking holiday in the world. I don’t fucking understand why has to become such a large part of our life for the next month. IT’S ONE FUCKING DAY. There is nothing about it that’s good. Let’s go over a few reasons why it sucks.

First off, as stated previously, the holiday lasts for one day. 24 hours. Yet somehow every single fucking TV station has you believing that the fucking holiday lasts from November 25th onward. ABC Family has their stupid fucking “25 Days of Christmas.” Guess what ABC Family, Hannukkah has 8 days, and they go from the 24th to the 1st of January this year, I don’t see you giving the Jews any time at all.

And then you have those stupid fucking shopping centers and malls that insist on playing Christmas music as soon as Black Friday starts. Mariah Carey’s Christmas song sucks. Bing Crosby is a cock gobbler. And Michael Buble’s Christmas album is arguable the Sgt. Peppers of shitty music. Seriously, Michael, go suck a massive chode. Also, I hope the Little Drummer Boy gets sodomized by Santa with a drumstick this year. He’s a cunt.

Seriously, there is nothing good about Christmas. There’s nothing jolly about it. And the only reason why kids are into the fucking holiday is because they teach them that some weird fucking old man is watching them while they sleep, and while they discover themselves in bed at night. FUCK CHRISTMAS.

Woman Already Decorating for Christmas

BY Grind All
Arctic Puffin #1

SOME WHITE SUBURB—At around 12:01 AM Monday night, neighbors say they saw Mary Ellen Callahan already decorating for Christmas. Callahan had apparently waited until the clock struck midnight on Monday, signaling the first day of November, to smash the pumpkin that had previously been perched on her step. Witnesses say they heard the smash of the pumpkin followed by Callahan shouting “Fa-la-la, motherfuckers!”

Neighbors reported that just mere minutes after the end of October 31st, Callahan had already begun blasting Mariah Carey’s hit “All I Want For Christmas Is You” while firing up the fake snow machine.

Eye witness reports say that within thirty minutes, Callahan had already blown up four reindeers, a sleigh for Santa, a menorah (for multiculturalism), and three snowmen. “I’m not done yet but I figured you have to start somewhere!” exclaimed the over-enthusiastic mother of three. Apparently, she still has a ferris wheel with all nine reindeers each playing different instruments to the tune of “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

Upon further investigation, it seems that Callahan has also already switched out her children’s entire wardrobe for more “Christmas-like” garment.

“It was seventy degrees the other day but she took all my t-shirts,” said son Calvin. “All I have now is a bunch of snowman and reindeer sweaters. I’m going to die!”

The family is also reportedly preparing their yearly Christmas letter in which they send a whole update of the entire family’s happenings to everyone from their family members to old friends from college they haven’t seen in twenty years.

When asked for his opinion on the early celebration Mr. Callahan said, “Leave me the fuck out of it.”

“This is my favorite holiday and it’s never too early to start celebrating!” said Callahan as she began to “casually” whip up some egg nog and Pillsbury Santa cookies, continuing her madness.

WHAT YOU SHOULD WANT FOR CHIRSTMAS/CHANUKAH

BY Grind All

Christmas/Chanukah is here (and yes I put the Jews in there because I totally fuck with them) and you guys gotta put together some lists for the fam to get you shit that you can’t buy yourself. So here’s a list of some stuff we think you guys could probably use and can’t get yourself.

1. A date
C’mon, moms fucking LOVE setting up their kids with their friends’ kids and let’s be real, you are doing a horrible job of getting one on your own.

2. Some self respect
We all saw what you did at the Christmas party Jenny, knock that shit off find some self respect over the holidays.

3. An acknowledgment of your birthday
This is a direct shout out to those kids with birthdays over the holidays. Hopefully someone will actually remember this year and not do that cop out shit with buying you ONE present for the whole birthday/holiday celebration shin dig.

4. A passing grade
You have got to have some hot cousin or something that can sleep with one of your professors to get you to pass a class. I mean come on kids we are at a Hail Mary at this point so you need to do whatever you can to actually pass your classes this semester.

5. A pair of socks
You’re at the age guys. You have no fucking money and you need socks. Stop wearing those ones with holes in them and having your pride about not asking for socks for a present. Face it, this is where you’re at, just ask for socks.

6. A sense of self
Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are any of us? Hopefully someone out there can give you some idea

7. A better singing voice
Unless this comes true PLEASE stop singing on the buses/showers/ anywhere public because everyone around you wants to die 🙂

Modern Day Santa Claus Brings Weed to New Jersey Hometowns

BY Robert Fakinaway
Shit Fling Champion

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“You Better Get High” The elusive Gum Shoe Clyde, found loitering at the Christmas display at a local Starbucks.

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—With the impending holidays come many students returning to their hometowns away from New Brunswick  or  any  city where they can get hooked up with some fresh kush. The winter break therefore comes much to the dismay of Rutgers Students as most must endure the festivities with their extended family completely sober. However, a particular man, known only as Gum-Shoe Clyde, is touring across New Jersey suburbs to deliver quality marijuana to the exasperated lttle boys and girls.

Amanda Lewis, a SAS junior and resident of One Horse, NJ, told the Medium how relieved she was to have a ready supply of drugs to help cope with her reality. “So it’s my dad’s side, my mom’s side, my older brother’s girlfriend, my mom’s foreign co-worker and the cat lady four doors down who are all coming over for a Christmas Eve party AND for New Years. Also, all the bars here are for the truckers, so I need some seriously dank shit to make it through this break.”

While Gum-Shoe Clyde remains elusive to the press, we were able to speak with Alvin Roechster, who has reportedly met with the generous dealer last winter. “It was magical. I heard the jingling and clanging coming from the engine of his ’96 Toyota Camry. Just leave him $10 in his cup holder and he’ll give you eight ounces of quality hash! But if you’ve been bad, he’ll give up coal. And a knife. He’ll stab you.”

Many Rutgers students have already been sending Gum-Shoe Clyde their wish lists for the holidays after receiving his number from YikYak. There have been sparse reports that he is already active since the beginning of Chanukah.

Secret Holiday Starbucks Drinks

BY Grind All

19starbucks2-web-master675So we all know that Starbucks is a sneaky bitch and has a million flavors they don’t feel like telling us about, especially during the holiday season. Sure, they advertise things like peppermint mocha and caramel brulee but we at The Medium did some digging and were able to find more.

Hitler Latte: Alright so everyone is freaking out that Starbucks hates Christmas and the Christians but honestly they hate everyone, they’re just not as public about everyone else. I mean a Hitler Latte? That’s pretty bad but Starbucks is a company that believes in EQUAL discrimination, which cancels out all the badness! So everyone needs to stop freaking out about this shit.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of Peppermint, 3 shots of the blood of the Jewish

Disappointment to Your Parents Cappuccino: Going home for the holidays sucks mostly because—let’s be honest—you are a disappointment to your parents. I mean they put all this money into your college and you are flunking all of your classes and spending your time getting drunk and sleeping with some idiot named Chad. So before you go home please do yourself a favor and pick up this drink. It tastes just like the disappointment your parents are bound to taste the second they look at you.

Ingredients: Espresso, Milk, 2 shots of vanilla, 2 shots of caramel, 1 shot of failure (the barista will ask you for this but don’t worry if you’re ordering this you have it)

Drunk Grandma Macchiato: Every family has one. You’re enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate and your grandma all of the sudden has had one too many and is being drunk and racist and sexist and everything terrible you can be. How did she even get this drunk? Is it because she’s like a million years old and has no tolerance or is she just so old that no one even pays attention to her drinking habits? Either way she’s slammed and you’re feeling left out. Also it’s fucking hell dealing with her when you’re sober so please pick up this drink if you know you’re going to have to deal with something like this.

Ingredients: Coffee, Espresso, Milk, 1 shot of vanilla, 5 shots of Jameson (They have it trust me. They’ll say “we don’t serve alcohol” but just say “DRUNK RACIST GRANDMA” and they’ll get you that Jameson for sure.)

That Black People Holiday Coffee: Black people have a holiday at this time right? Is it real? I don’t know and apparently Starbucks doesn’t either. Or they actually have a name for this but everyone just calls it this. I’m not sure. So if you’re black you should get this or if you’re celebrating the holidays with your black friend pick this up so you can seem “multicultural” and “inclusive” instead of “ignorant” and “stereotyping-just-because-we’re-black-doesn’t-mean-we-celebrate-the-black-people-holiday”.

Ingredients: Black coffee with a festive shot of “equal” rights