By Ivan Yakinoff
I’ve been Yanking off
NORTH POLE- After a year long investigation into the rumors that Santa isn’t actually real, a recent raid by Interpol revealed that Santa does indeed exist, but isn’t exactly the jolly old man that we expected him to be. A search of his mega factory turned up thousands of kid elves, many who were kidnapped and forced into child labor, and an entire storage room of counterfeit toy parts smuggled from China. But the most shocking find was the secret room in the basement and all the shocking revelations that followed afterwards.
An in depth search of the secret room showed that Santa was quite the party animal. He threw huge raves every week and did massive
amounts of blow and acid. Documents found in the room also showed that Santa was a pimp and ran the North Pole’s biggest elf prostitution ring. After being arrested and asked to explain himself to the authorities about this, Santa simply said, “My catchphrase is Ho Ho Ho, seriously guys, where in the world did you think that came from?”.
After his arrest was made public, more disastrous news about Santa came to light. Taking advantage of the timing with all the sex abuse scandals going on in Hollywood right now, many of his former elf workers and prostitutes came forward about their history with Santa. “Every day Master Claus would just wake me up from bed and make me sit on his lap just to fondle his beard for hours on end. He would then set me up in a room in with a video camera and force me to make cookie baking videos. His weird fetish tormented me for years” said Brunelfa, one of Santa’s long time prostitutes. Santa’s sex workers weren’t the only ones to go through this kind of abuse. Many of his factory line workers have also shared similar stories about their abuse with Santa.
These serious revelations were enough to put Santa in the sex offenders list. The terms of being on this list gave all of his workers and prostitutes a lifetime restraining order against him as well as banning him from being in any building or house where there are children present. This means that he will no longer be able to operate his factory with his child elves nor be able to sneak into kids’ houses to drop presents. With no one to help make toys anymore, Santa, speaking from a video feed while in prison, has decided to officially cancel Christmas. “To all the great people of Earth, there will be no Christmas this year as I will not be able to employ my child elves or go into your houses anymore. While I can employ actual adults and another mall Santa to take my place and to work in my factory, all of them keep talking about nonsense like minimum wage, unions, vacations, and benefits. Since I don’t understand this urban slang, I’ve decided it’s not worth dealing with adults. So Christmas is a no go.”